Nessa's blog: "THE STORY OF JACK SCHITT"

WHY ARE THE OPPOSIT SEX ALWAYS OUT OF THE LOOP WHEN YOU TRY TO TELL THEM SOMTHING AND THEY JUST DON'T GET THE PICTURE, BUT YET THEY STILL TRY TO MAKE WISE CRACKS ABOUT IT???? I SWARE SOMETIMES I COULD BE IN THE MIDDLE OF SAYING SOMETHING AND WHEN IT'S THEIR TURN TO SPEAK ALL THEY REALYY HURD OF THE CONVERSATION IS BLA BLA BLA......... I MEAN REALLY!!!!!!!! IT GETS TO ME WHEN THEY COMPLEATLY MISUNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO TELL THEM AND THINK ITS REALLY SOMETHING ELSE.......... I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GIRLS DOING????? TALKING TO THIN AIR......???? WE MIGHT AS WELL BE CAUSE THATS ALL WE'RE EVER GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY THEN LET ME KNOW AND I'LL SHANCE THE SUBJECT......... OTHER WISE DON'T TELL ME YOU ARE INTERESTED BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOUR NOT..... AND IF I DON'T THEN I'LL KNOW AFTERWARDS CAUSE YOU KNOW I'LL BE ABLE TO TELL!!!!!

when i feel, its not something that goes away!!!!!! it stays there waiting for some one to feel back...... i hope the person i'm wrighting this for reads it and takes this to heart and knows that i love him more than anyone can ever imagine!!!!!! because love is not somthing to take lightly...... you should know who you are, for i want you to read this and tell me you love me too!!!!! don't take me for granted!!!!! i don't take you for granted and i cherish every moment we have together...... even if its not every that we see each other or talk all the time... but he knows that if i had it my way we would be together all the time and never part..... my heart goes out to this person and i wish that you would let me know you feel the same way, because you don't show it all the time like you should.... but know that you are in my mind and in my heart always and i will never feel any diffently about you..... I LOVE YOU ~Vanessa~

I'm starting to think that feelings get in the way of many many things. I'm tired of being hurt. I just want one thing and i know i'm not going to get it so why try? My outlook on a lot of things is starting to change. Not really for the worst, but not for the best either. I seem to be getting wiser in my train of thinking. If I let this get to me then I know that I have lost the battle I've tried so hard to fight for. The new song on my profile has a meaning and a purpose which is going to go un-noticed. I'm hurt and thats never going to change. So for now I'm going to stop trying,because i'm not in the right position to push it anymore.

ok... so here's the deal.... i don't mean to hurt you.... in fact i want to do just the opposite!!!! i love you so much it hurts me cause i worry about you and not seeing you along with knowing your with someone else... but in the end nothing changes and though you care, it's obvious that you don't care in the way i want you to, and its's not your fault, and i'm not blaiming you. i'm a big girl.... you work all the time, this i know- and i don't mean to rag on you about it... i really don't, but like i said, i worry...... it's just really been hard on me to go from seeing you all the time to not ever seeing you at all, or getting a phone call at least once in a while.... thats the kind of thing i miss... the surprise call i get once in a while to know you still care about what happens to me.... i'm not bitching you out, i'm just trying to let you know how i feel and wish you would understand that instead of getting all defencive and not even try to see if every things ok.... i miss the you i first met.... if anything in this world could make me happy, it would be nothing more then to get a phone call from you saying you missed me and wanted to hang out for a little while..... but once again that term "out of site, out of mind" is true for this situation, and i doubt you'll even see this unless i tell you to read it.... and even then you won't reply to it cause you feel your getting bitched out, and i'm not even bitching you out.... remember when you told me that you felt dumped because i started dating chuck..... well i don't just feel dumped, i feel like you compleatly dropped me off the face of the earth!!!!! i didn't make you feel that bad... and i was so in love with you that i even did the shit that i never in my life would have done any other time, and you know that..... and i hate to say it on here, but when i cheated to be with you it wasn't because i was getting bad sex from him..... it was because i loved you and just being in the room with you that day, and the fact that you didn't even have to touch me was just so overwelming that i realized just how much i was in love with you and that he really didn't even matter..... i would do anything to make you happy!!!!! you are my first love and i won't ever get over you..... honestly i hope i do, cause i don't want to pine over you for the rest of my life..... but in the back of my mind you'll still be there, and i'll still love you..... it's as true now as it was that first time i said it to you when i was in your kitchen ....... I LOVE YOU!!!!!! DO I HAVE TO SCREAM IT at THE TOP OF MY LUNGS FOR THE HOLE WORLD TO HEAR???? I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! AND I MISS YOU!!!!! at least a call on my birthday would be nice..... that much i hope you actually do..... Love Always, Vanessa

THIS GOES OUT TO MORE THEN ONE PERSON!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ALL ARE SO DON'T ACT DUMB!!! EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW WHAT IS MENT FOR WHO.... IF NOT THEN ASK..... Fuck caring. Fuck all those tears I cried for you. Fuck all the times I tried to make shit right. Fuck the lies. fuck the pain. Fuck being the only one who EVER stuck up for your ass. Fuck all the I love you's. Fuck the fact that I gave my heart to someone who just walked all over it. fuck all the cheaters/Liers. Fuck all the backstabbers. Fuck the people you THOUGHT were your friends. Fuck all the feelings that were hurt. Fuck all the feelings that were hurt. Fuck all the trust. Fuck being there for you. Fuck the late nights on the phone talkin for hours. Fuck all the shit I gave up just to be with you. Fuck all you haters. Fuck being lol miss nice gurl. Fuck you losers who try to be someone you're not just cuz everyone else is that way, doesn't mean that you have to be like them. Fuck Love. Fuck You!!

all i want from you for my birthday is to see you for at least one hour, so i can at least pretend for one moment that you are still the person i fell in love with... will you give that one wish to me dave??? i'm begging you, please make that one wish come true.... because only you can.... i leave in the middle of july.... my aunts driving up here to get me and all my things... i'm not comeing back... ever... i have no reason to, because i have no life here, and i never will... you had my hopes up at one point, but just like everything else in my life that fell through too, so now i'm leaving because i have nothing else to look forward to... and this isn't a guilt trip, and it isn't bitching at you..... it's me simply stateing the truth.... after i move i would like you to deleate me from your friends list..... i don't want any reminders of what i fucked up.... i hope you understand why i'm doing this.... i give up... i'm glad i met you dave... but i wish i never had... and i'm so sorry about everything.... I'm In Love With You... But Thats All It Will Ever Be, Is Me In Love With You.... Never The Other Way Around.... and there's no point in waiting anymore for you is there??

Have you ever noticed that sex is a very contraversal topic when it comes to things that either are or are not appropriate!!!! It pisses me off when people who aren't mature enough to handle the topic start the conversation!!!! I mean come on!!! Only those who are uneducated about sex in-general are the ones who are repulsed or un-nerved about the unconventional things that some or a good percent of the people like. For example: a man and a woman meet fall in love and have sex. Then if the women will allow it they will expariment to keep there sex life from becoming the same old boring routine!!! it perfectly natural that a women would want to try something differant then the man will, and each idea will do nothing but repulse the other until they hear something differant from another person that will make them intreaged..... Then, and only then will they try it. It is things like this that scare most people. When you give in to the one thing that you trully want and you find that you like it, it scares you into thinking that it is either wrong or gross, and you will have denied ever trying it for fear of being branded as a freak and being a reject..... But the truth of the matter is that we are all human, and it's in our nature to be couious and explore the unknown. This is why most people are startled when they really speak to someone who understands what they are going through and hopefully that person is open with the other enough to realize that it's ok to like whatever it is that turns you on.... You should never be ashamed to talk about sex openly with anyone because it is a natural part of life. and anyone who is imature enough to make you feel uncomfortable isn't worth talking to because they obviously have a lot of growing up to do.

so when does everything get better??? this i'll never know.... do i love him, or should i let him go? this questions, a hard one... i really can't explain, for even when i sleep.... i seem to speak his name..... some one else now loves me..... someone else now cares...... and held, and comforted me..... when he was not there..... he promised me the world..... and at one point i obliged..... for i needed to get rid, of those thoughts and feelings inside.... and yet the others back.... things didn't go his way.... and once again he needs me, just to get through the day...... i wonder what he's thinking, and if he ever cared.... or if i was just someone, that he wanted right there..... now i hold the aces...... i stacked them up nice and neat.... but what i didn't expect was to get caught as a cheat..... like my hand in the cookie jar, i feel all the shame.... and i don't know what to think..... was i really that vain.... but though i still love him.... i belong to another.... and with three simple words...... he is gone forever.... though he might try, to find a way back in.... i'll know in my heart, the pain of this sin.... and that is why i stay farther then the eye can see.... for though i still love him..... he never loved me......

another one Here I'm alone Out under the stars Sitting on a stone Wondering where you are There are words I want to say Thoughts you need to hear But at the end of the day I just run away from fear I want you as a friend I want you as a lover But will you hold my hand? Or will you just say never? I glance at the moon And stare out at sea One day you'll be back But it won't be for me I heave a sigh and pray My dreams seem so grey Hopes are just so faded And I feel so jaded I guess just maybe so You'll never ever know My words just so true When I say I love you

I reach and try to touch you, I strain my eyes to see, I force my ears to listen For words meant just for me. I fool myself with make-believe, And have done so for a while, Your glance says that you love me, When really it's just a smile. And when I'm feeling lonely, I tell myself you're there, Your arms protect and hold me, Then do I even dare To imagine you beside me, With me every day, To hope you'll come and find me And take my pain away? And when at last I'm woken And taken from this world I find no arms around me, No words of love are heard. However hard I listen, I hear no heart-filled speech, However long I search for it, Your love stays out of reach.