The Psychology of Pain
I strongly feel it is very possible to have a sadomasochistic experience completely without physical pain, one in which domination-submission is acknowledged in other ways; this is can be referred to as psychological pain. This can consist of such feelings as uncertainty, apprehension, shame, embarrassment, humiliation, powerlessness, and above all, fear. The most common component of SM mental pain is, of course, humiliation, where the dominant embarrasses the submissive by pointing out his or her helplessness. Example: Subs may be humiliated by being made to lick their dominant's boots or kiss the dominant's buttocks. I know that female dominants sometimes demean their male subs by forcing them to wear female clothing, or by giving them tasks or chores to do which. Of course, raises the specter of misbehaving or necessitating punishment that it is very important that none of the concepts being utilized here are of a malicious nature, but they are strictly consensual.
Psychological pain is probably the most subjective area of sadomasochistic play, for I believe it is truly in the mind of the beholder, as the concept of beauty vs. ugly. The subjectivity exists because what humiliates, intimidates, or embarrasses us, what makes us fearful, may not affect us in the least. And vice versa. Also, what is humiliating one evening might not seem that way the next time we do the same thing, just as something that hurts tonight may not even, under different circumstances, hurt tomorrow. Being told to stay on one's knees in a corner of a room during a party would be humiliating to some people and just boring to others. I feel that being naked in a room filled with fully dressed people, who I might add is an experience known to most subs, can be quite a humiliating experience, thus creating feelings of exposure and vulnerability. While there is an element of humiliation that is inherent in the dominant-submissive relationship itself, in that the focus is on the vulnerability of the submissive and the intimacy of the dominant's power and control, there are, in addition, other types of humiliation play.
Pride and self-esteem are essentially two character facets upon which humiliation play impacts and both qualities can be diminished during such play. Since pride and self-esteem are such integral parts of what makes us who we are, it is vitally important to show the caring and loving feelings that exist between us. Playing this way both before and after such a scene, thus allowing a nurturing, a healing, and a return to the equal status between our partners and us. Being able to handle humiliation is often a sign of the strength of character that a sub who participates in such heavy, extreme scenes. I submit that one must be certain of one's own personal strengths to come out the other end of humiliation play with his or her character intact, and also, one must be sure, too, of the respect one's dominant has for them. I strongly emphasize that if this crucial knowledge is missing, humiliation scenes become real turn-offs. Fear and teasing are two more aspects of mental pain, and both are issues that require a great deal of trust between partners when they come into play. Fear may be an immense turn-on but terror is not; it is too damn real and goes well beyond eroticism. When the submissive can trust the dominant will not actually do the things he or she may threaten to do, the partners can then play with fear. I knew that when I held a burning candle so close to s sub’s breast, she was terrified that it was so close. I could see the fear in her downcast eyes. She knew I would not burn her though. I came extremely close, but I did not do it. We talked this through, and she was quite secure in the knowledge. And because of her secure feelings, she could relax and really immerse herself in the fear. She would scream, plead, or beg, be highly excited or frightened by the possibilities. She told me it was fun, though, at the time to believe that I would do it; it is an illusion that made our play all the more real. She also knew that fear was useless, that I would do what I wished, and that the decision was mine, that I left nothing possible to her except the thing she desired most--submitting.
Playing with fear provides the sub the opportunity to play the pleading-begging part of the fantasy, or the "against his or her role," or the victim role, thus increasing the specter of fear, vulnerability, and the arousal. The begging-pleading fantasy often plays a part in another intense but fairly common aspect of sadomasochistic play, which is acting out a nonconsensual scenario. Kidnap, rape, and torture are common fantasies and acting them during sadomasochistic play is no more real than in the movies. With acknowledged pre-negotiation and consent, these fantasy games can be quite exciting and erotic. One of the most intensely humiliating fantasies, is the "loss of control" scene. Giving a sub golden showers, or giving him or her an enema, thus forcing her retain the water, are definitely humiliating experiences. Water sports like taking control of his or her bladder and bowel functions is another way of demonstrating one's dominance, thus allowing another to exercise such immense control is truly a demonstration of submission. These activities tend to reinforce and underline feelings of humiliation and create the experience of what I call a "delicious shame." I will say that this type of kinky, intense water play is not my scene. Though I see the immense power and high to have control over a sub's bodily functions in this manner, I used to get my ass beat for playing with piss and shit. Orgasm is another example of a physically out-of-control experience that can be turned into humiliation during SM play by a dominant's references, for example, at a party as to how embarrassing it will feel to be forced into orgasm in a room full of people. Humiliation is a hard limit for many subs.
