Master D's blog: "Master ?"

The Natural Submissive I feel that courtesy is a strong indication of a good submissive as well as a good dominant. As a submissive, he or she asks his or her dominant for an immense amount of time, attention, and thought. Dominating someone requires a great deal of work and effort. While the submissive obviously has needs, he or she should devote himself or herself to pleasing his or her dominant as best they can. The submissive being honest and sincere about what types of play interests him or her. If the submissive is a masochist, with little or no interest in performing personal service for a dominant, he or she may tend to annoy or frustrate a dominant that has high expectations on being served. Also, there are those subs that are only interested in performing or providing a sexual service. While others tend to provide such services on a limited basis, such as domestic or office help, and then there totally devoted submissive’s who serve their dominant any way they can. One of the qualities of good submissive is to show honesty with respect to his or her needs and desires, to the extent that he or she currently knows and understands them, will serve the sub well here. While a dominant is not essentially under any obligation to request that the submissive do things that suit him or her. The sub should offer numerous ways to his or his dominant as reasonably possible. after all, the more way a submissive can make a dominant's life pleasant, the more useful he or she is as a sub. A good submissive should diplomatically be as clear as he or she can about his or her limits. I strongly believe that a frustrated and resentful submissive is no fun for any dominant. Another characteristic that describes a good and true submissive is to not be pushy. A good sub won't approach a dominant and, uninvited, descend to his or her knees at his or her feet. I can tell you from my lifestyle experience that it is a truly a turn-off with many dominants, myself included. This can be viewed, in its own fashion, as a non-consensual act, given the fact consent and negotiations are the one of the cornerstones of SM and DS. I appreciate and can tolerate a certain amount of subtle, low-key flirting. I am definitely impressed by formal introductions from potential submissive’s, whether by email, in person, or introduced through a known third party. A good and true submissive won't approach another sub's dominant and come onto him or her by kneeling or acting submissive in a conspicuous manner without that dominant's prior and express approval. Doing so can create immense hostilities between the two submissive, which can spiral out of control. A good and true submissive should avoid being a smart-ass masochist. SAMs will misbehave on purpose to provoke their dominants into punishing them. This can be fun and erotically hot within the context of a pre-negotiated scene. I love for my sub to be what I call "sassy defiance." I absolutely love it when a submissive can make me rise to the challenge of making her hot ass heel. Being a SAM is frowned upon when it is engaged in a non-consensual fashion, or when the couple is outside the SM scene. A sub who acts in such a manner is essentially weak to ask for what they really desire in an honest manner. In my lifestyle experience, I have some smart-assed masochists provoke real anger in some dominants. This essentially denotes a deliberate emotional or physical hurting of the dominant to receive the desired response. Such behavior, in my opinion, would not be indicative of a good submissive because it is manipulative, unethical, and it stinks of being non-consensual. Provoking a dominant is not a good idea. As I mentioned with respect to good dominants, domination is likened to surgery, it is a highly refined skill in a highly that takes a long time to learn and master. Good Doms exercise their skill in a highly controlled, thoughtful manner. A good submissive would not deliberately disturb a dominant's emotional balance, as it would be quite dangerous. Even though many dominants exhibit immense amount self-control, we are still human; when we are injured, we hurt. Many subs will say that a raging, out-of-control dominant is definitely terrifying. A dominant friend of mine was purposely provoked by his sub to the point of losing control. He was quite shaken and sorrowful after SM scene was over. It took over two years before he could regain his confidence. I am not going to go into any detail here other than the fact he did erupt. A submissive should not engage seriously in being a smart-assed masochist, unless he or she knows the dominant can deal with that. As I mentioned earlier, being a SAM can be quite hot and erotic under the right circumstances. Under the wrong circumstances, it can be quite disastrous. As I have I said a good and true submissive also has to exercise self-control like a good dominant. I strongly feel that a good submissive would not engage in the behavior of resistance, at least, until he or she got to know their dominant quite well. Resistance on a submissive's part, especially, if the dominant does not know him or her well can send mixed messages, which can be quite difficult to interpret. When I am in a dominant role in a SM scene with a novice submissive, I will tell my partner that any physical resistance on her part will essentially be successful. I will regard such behavior as a yellow light, or even an immediate termination of the scene. There are some subs that enjoy being forced, and this type of behavior being exhibited can essentially ruin a session, as well as, cost me an occasional play partner. To overcome physical resistance, even if it can be done quite easily, in the mistaken assumption that it is play resistance can definitely lead to disastrous results. I submit that physical resistance must be carefully pre-negotiated. I strongly suggest that any dominant, which is in doubt, back off immediately. Like being a smart-assed masochist, resistance can be erotically hot if engaged in under the right circumstances. Topping from below is another behavior that I feel that good subs should refrain. This denotes a submissive trying to control the scene in progress by making excessive requests, suggestions, and complaints. Of course, this is quite different from the sub that makes suggestions and requests to the dominant, yet leaving it for him or her to decide. It is also different from asking for particular activities, or ruling out particular activities during pre-scene negotiations. Topping from the bottom is typically frowned upon. A submissive should let the dominants make as many decisions as reasonably possible, as the submissive is there to please the dominant. I talked about dominant masochists and submissive sadists on DS and SM archetypes. A submissive sadist enjoys serving their partner by providing them exactly the kind of pain they desire, or as a dominant masochist which connotes those who enjoy receiving exactly, and only the kind of pain they desire. I will say that these personas work well as long as both partners agree in advance that this is the type of scene they want to do. There is an ethical use of the topping from the bottom behavior, which is when an experienced sub is respectfully offering suggestions to a novice dominant. I know that beginner dominants often feel quite insecure, being trained by their more experienced submissive. In my years as a dominant, I have seen few cases where the novice dominant went on to become excellent and outstanding. Also I have seen a few cases where the submissive was abusive to the novice Dom and he or she essentially never realizes his or her potential. I knew one or two to actually leave the SM or DS community entirely. As in the other behaviors I mentioned in the above paragraphs, topping from the bottom can also be erotic and hot under the proper circumstances. Many of you may or may not agree with what I am about say here. I strongly believe that a dominant that can relinquish control and reclaim it at the appropriate time essentially controls control, the essence of power, if you please. A good and true submissive will topping from the bottom in a constructive, circumspect, and respectful manner with regards to a novice dominant. My vision of the ideal submissive is one who will be able to discern between strength and stubbornness, with a preference for the former. I love that woman who possesses the fiery, feisty nature that dwells deep within her bosom, sassy defiance, if you will. But I also desire a submissive that has strong sense of self-worth, a woman who is happy with herself and can honestly communicate what it is that she desires. My ideal sub will cherish the romance and be totally enthralled by a perilous, dramatic fantasy. She will be unified and complete, special and significant, and she will possess the immense courage to listen to the spirit beyond what she is. Play hard!

The Psychology of Pain I strongly feel it is very possible to have a sadomasochistic experience completely without physical pain, one in which domination-submission is acknowledged in other ways; this is can be referred to as psychological pain. This can consist of such feelings as uncertainty, apprehension, shame, embarrassment, humiliation, powerlessness, and above all, fear. The most common component of SM mental pain is, of course, humiliation, where the dominant embarrasses the submissive by pointing out his or her helplessness. Example: Subs may be humiliated by being made to lick their dominant's boots or kiss the dominant's buttocks. I know that female dominants sometimes demean their male subs by forcing them to wear female clothing, or by giving them tasks or chores to do which. Of course, raises the specter of misbehaving or necessitating punishment that it is very important that none of the concepts being utilized here are of a malicious nature, but they are strictly consensual. Psychological pain is probably the most subjective area of sadomasochistic play, for I believe it is truly in the mind of the beholder, as the concept of beauty vs. ugly. The subjectivity exists because what humiliates, intimidates, or embarrasses us, what makes us fearful, may not affect us in the least. And vice versa. Also, what is humiliating one evening might not seem that way the next time we do the same thing, just as something that hurts tonight may not even, under different circumstances, hurt tomorrow. Being told to stay on one's knees in a corner of a room during a party would be humiliating to some people and just boring to others. I feel that being naked in a room filled with fully dressed people, who I might add is an experience known to most subs, can be quite a humiliating experience, thus creating feelings of exposure and vulnerability. While there is an element of humiliation that is inherent in the dominant-submissive relationship itself, in that the focus is on the vulnerability of the submissive and the intimacy of the dominant's power and control, there are, in addition, other types of humiliation play. Pride and self-esteem are essentially two character facets upon which humiliation play impacts and both qualities can be diminished during such play. Since pride and self-esteem are such integral parts of what makes us who we are, it is vitally important to show the caring and loving feelings that exist between us. Playing this way both before and after such a scene, thus allowing a nurturing, a healing, and a return to the equal status between our partners and us. Being able to handle humiliation is often a sign of the strength of character that a sub who participates in such heavy, extreme scenes. I submit that one must be certain of one's own personal strengths to come out the other end of humiliation play with his or her character intact, and also, one must be sure, too, of the respect one's dominant has for them. I strongly emphasize that if this crucial knowledge is missing, humiliation scenes become real turn-offs. Fear and teasing are two more aspects of mental pain, and both are issues that require a great deal of trust between partners when they come into play. Fear may be an immense turn-on but terror is not; it is too damn real and goes well beyond eroticism. When the submissive can trust the dominant will not actually do the things he or she may threaten to do, the partners can then play with fear. I knew that when I held a burning candle so close to s sub’s breast, she was terrified that it was so close. I could see the fear in her downcast eyes. She knew I would not burn her though. I came extremely close, but I did not do it. We talked this through, and she was quite secure in the knowledge. And because of her secure feelings, she could relax and really immerse herself in the fear. She would scream, plead, or beg, be highly excited or frightened by the possibilities. She told me it was fun, though, at the time to believe that I would do it; it is an illusion that made our play all the more real. She also knew that fear was useless, that I would do what I wished, and that the decision was mine, that I left nothing possible to her except the thing she desired most--submitting. Playing with fear provides the sub the opportunity to play the pleading-begging part of the fantasy, or the "against his or her role," or the victim role, thus increasing the specter of fear, vulnerability, and the arousal. The begging-pleading fantasy often plays a part in another intense but fairly common aspect of sadomasochistic play, which is acting out a nonconsensual scenario. Kidnap, rape, and torture are common fantasies and acting them during sadomasochistic play is no more real than in the movies. With acknowledged pre-negotiation and consent, these fantasy games can be quite exciting and erotic. One of the most intensely humiliating fantasies, is the "loss of control" scene. Giving a sub golden showers, or giving him or her an enema, thus forcing her retain the water, are definitely humiliating experiences. Water sports like taking control of his or her bladder and bowel functions is another way of demonstrating one's dominance, thus allowing another to exercise such immense control is truly a demonstration of submission. These activities tend to reinforce and underline feelings of humiliation and create the experience of what I call a "delicious shame." I will say that this type of kinky, intense water play is not my scene. Though I see the immense power and high to have control over a sub's bodily functions in this manner, I used to get my ass beat for playing with piss and shit. Orgasm is another example of a physically out-of-control experience that can be turned into humiliation during SM play by a dominant's references, for example, at a party as to how embarrassing it will feel to be forced into orgasm in a room full of people. Humiliation is a hard limit for many subs.

True Master A Man who displays sensitivity will be a Master who is sensitive to you. A Man who displays humility will be a Master who will show you respect. A Man who is not afraid to cry will be a Master who understands your tears. A Man who is quiet will be a Master who will hear your quietest whisper, A Man who knows fear will be a Master who will not leave you to face yours alone. A Man who will listen to a child will be a Master who will always work to understand your words. A Man who can stand alone will be a Master who will not crush you under His weight. A Man who controls Himself with ease will be a Master with the ability to control you in the same way. A Man who does not have to prove His point will be a Master with many worthwhile points to share. A Man who never makes demands will be a Master who treasures anything you give. A Man who doesn't run after you will be a Master you will never need to run away from. A Man who is calm will be a Master who can weather your storms. A Man who has walked the path to peace will be a Master able to guide you along that path. A Man who does not shout will be a Master who will never deafen you. A Man who knows Himself will be a Master who will have time to know you. A Man with an open mind will be a Master who never stops learning. A Man who never stops learning will be a Master who never stops growing. A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

The Successful Master When I am mentoring a submissive about his or her life and relationship, the most prevalent cause of sorrow and/or difficulty that receives significant comment, is the transition from a virtual dominant-submissive relationship to a full-time, 24/7 real-time situation. I feel that there several reasons why this occurs in such a frequent manner. Online media demonstrates to us that dominating someone or submitting to someone is relatively easy and quite fun. All he or she has to do to be a very popular and admired online dominant is be aware of what keywords and phrases to say at what times. Any one of us dominants could be assuming a false online identity and easily have a huge stable of virtual subs swooning over us and vying for our attention, simply because we know the appropriate words to say. Novice subs who have discovered and/or decided to pursue and explore the source of their unfocused desires with respect to their human sexuality tend to be erotically and emotionally needy for any kind of control. They fall right over if an online dominant assumes a stern, forceful demeanor and cyber-presence and issue the type of commands that one may hear about in sadomasochistic pornography. Then, publicly, repeat all the basic tenets accepted by the lifestyle community at large as the highest wisdom. It is very easy to learn what these key lifestyle facets are and rattle them off like a parrot and build a reputation as a wise, respected, and loving dominant, a paragon of the sadomasochistic scene, if you please. It is incredibly easy to dominate someone from long distance. It is so easy, in fact, that many folks who are not inherently dominant have discovered that if he or she can create this impression, these people can have numerous, non-committal online subs or slaves as they desire. It becomes problematic when such "dominants" start to become pathological and believe their own propaganda and begin to believe themselves as super-dominants, despite the fact they have never had any experience in controlling anyone in reality. This particular type of dominant archetype feels that actually dominating someone in a real-life situation is pretty much similar to virtual, effortless fantasy play that he or she conducts in cyberspace or on the phone. So considering himself or herself to be uniquely qualified, they command some poor love-struck submissive to uproot from their established life and environment and move in with them. When either he or she and their gullible partner are forced to deal with reality of dominance and submission, the disaster commences. That to actually dominate a submissive in real-time requires much more from him or her than the ability to create an erotic fantasy on a computer monitor or assuming a stern tone or to issue orders via the telephone or email. To a very compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends a significant amount of his or her life without a dominant. Very few people have what it takes to be a successful dominant, and true dominants are exceptionally rare, as many folks have the desire to control someone in a sadomasochistic fashion than possessing the ability to do it well. To truly have dominion over someone in real-time and full-time takes an immense amount of hard work on the dominant's part. A successful dominant because the rewards for him or her are worth it. It also requires information and wisdom, regarding what both a dominant and submissive must do to make this particular aspect of the bond work, which presently, is unavailable in the fantasy-laden sadomasochistic community and its written or printed materials. When I dominated my former soul mate, the success was derived from controlling in a manner that ensures that both of us were happy and fulfilled. Even a highly motivated, sincere, and obedient submissive needs the ability to cope with numerous emotional freak-out, resistance, and confusion, especially during the first few real-time live-in years of the relationship. Even the most inherent submissive can have significant difficulties, initially, with learning to obey and submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of persona or will-power, although these aspects are helpful, it is not a matter of being "submissive enough." It is a completely a matter of training and experience. The most willing and compliant submissive is not knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put his or her dominant's needs and desires above their own. In fact, a submissive is taught from their childhood environment to be willful and independent. I feel that overcoming a lifetime of cultural conditioning requires lots of time. Nothing in the easy virtual play that folks do on the Internet or over the telephone prepares subs for the difficulties of actual real-life daily obedience. The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice through making mistakes and learning from them. Through discussing what goes wrong with a patient, knowledgeable dominant and through extensive and informed assistance from his or her partner. The early "hell" years of my lifestyle relationship required significant patience and emotional self-control from me. I feel that such patience and emotional self-control are signs of maturity, of an adult who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone's life. It will become increasingly evident to anyone who tries a real-time, live-in power exchange for a significant time-frame, will discover that a dominant-submissive relationship is, at times, hard and grueling work. Requires a very rare person as a dominant; someone whose ability and actions actually match the claims he or she creates for themselves. Someone who considers the hard work worth it because of the rewards he or she receives from the bond. There are some basic attributes or aspects, which I feel any good dominant needs to make a real-time power exchange relationship work. These are qualities that which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Many self-proclaimed dominants tend to say that they possess the extraordinary abilities, however, just the claim alone means absolutely zero. The dominant must demonstrate to show the submissive he or she actually has the attributes I know that learning whether a perspective dominant possess these traits and initial requirements take time. I have mentored many novice subs about rushing into an absolute or even partial live-in power exchange relationship without taking the time to ascertain the quality of the person he or she is agreeing to submit, often to pay dearly for it later. Self-control is very critical quality a good dominant must possess. If we cannot control our emotions, our vices, our tendency to act out, we are definitely too weak and self-indulgent to effectively control another. As I mentioned earlier, all subs, even the best, resist control at various intervals. I feel that dealing with resistance in a way that encourages and inspires good behavior in the submissive and helps to train her to become a better submissive and a happier person, overall, means initially realizing that our submissive's actions, no matter that we dislike them, are not about us. They are rather about his or her issues with surrendering. Learning not to respond in a narcissistic fashion when the submissive behaves in a resisting and manipulative manner is part of his or her self-control. Instead of overreacting, the good dominant will rationally and over time devise workable strategies based on intimate knowledge of his or her submissive that discourage the behavior and attitude the dominant dislikes. I find that responsibility is also an important trait of a successful dominant. Ownership of someone for life is a very serious endeavor. When a dominant controls another person and essentially does anything to him or her they desire, one has to have a great responsibility toward the submissive. I know that some folks lightly define a dominant's responsibility to that of owning a pet, however, it is much more of a duty than that. Seriously, the dominant must take his submissive charge as more like having a child. He or she controls this person absolutely, and, assuring that he or she loves their submissive or slave, the dominant must ensure that the things he or she does, or does not do, are not harmful or damaging to his or her submissive charge. We as dominants have to think first, and carefully, prior to speaking out in anger. We have to consider how each action we take or decision we make affects our subs as well as ourselves. We have to anticipate how our submissive will react to stimuli and actions before we commit to them. I submit that we are steering the ship and we are the only ones in charge. If we truly realize that than we also are aware that when things mess up and do not work out, it is not the fault of the person who is helpless before us and who must follow your commands. It is ours, and ours alone. I feel that a true dominant has to be grown up enough to take responsibility when things go awry. A child in an adult's body, on the other hand, blames every bad thing or misfortune that befalls him or her on others. Nothing is ever is ever his or her fault or responsibility. It is always someone else who has screwed up. A person of maturity tends to have patience and a willingness to wait a long time, if necessary, for things to work out. I know that some things in a power exchange require a very long time to achieve, and a dominant, especially, has to possess the determination and fortitude to wait for these things without surrendering or losing heart. A mature person does not view every little emotional difficulty from his or her submissive a sign that the relationship is not working, or some fact, which is symptomatic that the sub does not love him or her. A true and mature dominant knows how to walk the fine line between not allowing his or her submissive partner's emotional issues rule them on the one hand and becoming emotionally distant from the submissive on the other. A mature dominant can be looked up to by his or her submissive partner, leaned on, even as a pillar of strength and support at all times, not just when the dominant finds it fun or easy to play that role. A good dominant has an understanding of human nature from having encountered its many forms and realizes, generally, what works and what does not work when dealing with his or her submissive charge. I feel that an inherent dominant does not have to learn all of this by experimenting on his or her submissive. The dominant-submissive relationship and/or bond is a game that's not a game, and a successful dominant must have the skillful ability to hurt the one he or she loves, just right!