Kris's blog: "Love, Life, and then some"

ok, time to vent... So, this past month someone has made me feel like total shit. Stupid fights, name calling, stupid accusations, everything. I was seeing this guy who, as usual, at first seemed amazing. I had a ton of fun hanging out with him, and loved being in his company. Then all of a sudden *poof* he was all of a sudden working like 22 hours a day, with no time to even message me to find out how my day was going. I knew something was up, gut feeling, but didn't have anything to back it. So whenever I'd ask to get together or to just talk, I would have my head ripped off. "I'm working, what's wrong with you? What don't you get about that?" ... only to find out by one of their best friends that he was now chasing his best friends little sister who is 14 years younger than the guy I was seeing... This made me feel so sick... Then I hear from his SISTER-IN-LAW that he told her I wasn't his girlfriend, I was some stalker who only went to visit him because I threatened to kill myself. This is SO FAR beyond the truth, it's unbelievable. THEN! I find out that he was saying the same thing to his best friend. So! because this person was getting caught in his lies, I was the one who was made to feel as though I was totally worthless. I started to slip back into old habits, sleeping all day, not eating, getting sick when I would eat, etc. BUT! me being the person I am, I still wanted to be friends with this person because they are going through a lot in their life, and I did care about them, so I wanted to be there for them and do whatever I could do to help them. I was willing to bend over backwards for this person, and they totally took advantage of me. This wasn't just someone who I knew online... we were together physically as well, and I had started a good friendship with his mother too. I was told to never talk to him, or any of his family ever again. This hurt. still does hurt. I decided to tough it out though, and finally it was decided that we would remain friends. He told me I was a good person, had a good heart, etc. and I fell for it all over again. Friends is better than nothing, right? Yeah, right! Despite the fact that up until a few days ago, I was still willing to bend over backwards for this person, even though they said they would kill me!!!!, I was willing to forget the past and hope for a good friendship. But, it never fails... the lies didn't stop, I was told we could hang out only to be ditched and stood up. I put other things in my life on hold, including homework, and family. "I'm sorry hun, I will call you when I get home, I promise." yeah RIGHT! the next time I heard from him was him yelling at me, saying to never contact him again. My question is, how can people do this to other humans? How can you lie to someone without feeling an ounce of guilt for it? I have made mistakes in my past, I have lied to people I cared for, and believe me, I have paid the price. But to lie to someone right to their face, to pretend you care about someone when really you couldn't care less if they were run over by a transport truck the next day is beyond me.

On top of all of this, I have now lost someone who I thought was a good friend of mine for three years! All because I didn't know someone was their friend and ejected them from my lounge for not talking. This person was my rock. We'd been through thick and thin together, but because I was having a bad day, and had an itchy trigger finger, this person is nowhere in my sight... I know other people are there for me, but this person was by my side for 3 years and knows pretty much... no... not pretty much... this person knows EVERYTHING about me. It's just not the same... I feel as though I'm sitting in a pool of sharks with an open wound, and everyone just keeps feeding on me, and the second that wound starts to heal again, it's ripped back open.

I am human, I make mistakes, but I always own up to my mistakes, I admit I made them, and I do whatever I can to make it up to those I hurt... What did I do to deserve being treated like this? Am I paying for something I did in a past life? Why is it I feel so alone in a world that is overcrowded? Do I have "treat me like shit, I'll put up with it" tattooed on my forehead that is invisible to only me? For once I would like it if my happiness would last for more than a few weeks. Did he think it would be easier to hide things from me because we don't live in the same country? even though, I'm only 20 minutes away... I don't get it... I put everything I have into my friendships and relationships, and it all gets thrown back in my face. I give up. If you want to be my friend, my lover, my stone, accept me for who I am. Yes, I cry, yes I get mad, yes, I say things I don't mean, but yes, I will do anything in my power to make sure you are happy.............