Kris's blog: "Love, Life, and then some"

When I look in his eyes, I see someone who I'm not sure if anyone else knows exists.

When I look in his eyes, I see someone who has a big heart.

When I look in his eyes I see someone who I want in my life.

When I look in his eyes I feel safe.

When I look in his eyes, I know I can trust him with my life.

When I look in his eyes, I see someone who is dealing with a lot of pain.

When I look in his eyes, I fear that he does not see himself for the amazing person he truly is.

When I look in his eyes, I want to fix everything for him and make his life perfect.

When I look in his eyes, I see someone who has been hurt so much he is afraid to let anyone else in. 

When I lay in his arms, I feel at home.

When I lay in his arms, I feel comforted.

When I lay in his arms, my past doesn't matter so much.

When I lay in his arms, all the pain this world has caused me disappears.

When I lay in his arms, I don't want that moment to end.

When I lay in his arms, my biggest worries and fears no longer exist.

It's so hard to believe that someone who moves me this much is dealing with so much pain right now. It's so hard to believe that anyone would intentionally hurt him. It's so hard to believe that there is nothing I can do to help. All I ever want to do for anyone is improve their life, help them with things they are struggling with, and be there to celebrate and enjoy the successes with. I would do almost anything for anyone of my friends, and this is especially true for the man I am currently writing about. I worry so much that he doesn't know how important he is, and that he doesn't see how amazing of a person he truly is. 

Things happen to us sometimes that make us forget who we truly are.

These things make us forget what our soul is really capable of.

These things make us forget all of the good things we have done in life.

These things make us only focus on the bad.

These things make us loose sight of all of the little things that make life great.

The clouds above seem so dark, and endless in sight. It's hard to see the blue sky on the horizon, but if we look close enough, carefully enough, it is there. Even though it seems as though the thunder and lighting will never end, and it seems as though the bolts are getting so close to stricking us and ending life, we have to remember, everything happens for a reason. I know it's not an easy thought to comprehend, but ultimately, it is the truth. 

To the man I am writing this about/for:

You are amazing. Never forget it. You put those you love and care for ahead of you, and you work so hard to provide them with happiness. This will pay off in the end, even if it seems there is no end in sight. It is getting closer. Keep your head up. Even though you have dealt with a lot in your short time on this planet, you have achieved so much. You have fought for your Country, you have fought for those you love, and you continue to fight for the one person who means the world to you. Seeing you do this is truly amazing. I know so many people who would just give up. But that's not who you are. You won't give up. Even when it's bringing you down to your knees, making you cry, you find the energy and courage to face what is in front of you, and you go for it. You deal with it. You do what you have to do. You are an amazing father. Never forget that. No matter what anyone says, you know the truth.

You have shown me that there are still good people in this world, there are still people who will go through anything for those they care about the most. I had given up on 'human kind' before I met you. You have given me hope, and when I feel like I can't go on, I know all I have to do is tell you I feel as though I can't do it, and you are there to push me through. You might not realize the effect you've had on my life, but it's a pretty big effect, and I want you to know this. I know I have put you through a lot, (and you have put me through a lot too :P) but I fight every day to change who I am in order to be a better person, and a better friend for you. I know I freak out, I know I say things I don't mean... those are the times where the "old me" peak through, and I am trying to get rid of that me... and you have been there to help me through it, whether it's to duke it out with me, or whether its to say "Kris, stop, you're starting to freak out again." I cannot express in words how grateful I am for that, or how grateful I am that you are in my life. In the past, whenever I have shown someone my fears and insecurities, they have ran. Not you though. You've been there to help me fight through it and to fight through the bad memories and overcome obsticals that I thought I would never be able to overcome. My grades in school have increased significantly since you came along. You have opened my eyes and made me realize that there actually is a brain in my head! You have made me realize that I can get through school, and that I will be better in the end because of it. You have also given me the opportunity to learn more about what I want in life, and who I want to spend it with, and what qualities I want that person to have. 

I know things are really rough right now, but they will get better. I promise! I know I say this to you all the time, but it's because I truly believe it. I see the fighter in you and I know you will not give up, and it's because of that that you will reap the benefits, and the time for those benefits is fast approaching. I will be by your side, supporting you, being there for you to talk to, being there for you to ignore, being there to be a sounding board when you finally open up and talk about what's going on. I will be there every step of the way, if that is what you want. I cannot even imagine what it's like to deal with what you've been dealing with, but I can promise to try to understand, and I can promise that I am never more than a phone call, or message away.

Lub you always.

ok, time to vent... So, this past month someone has made me feel like total shit. Stupid fights, name calling, stupid accusations, everything. I was seeing this guy who, as usual, at first seemed amazing. I had a ton of fun hanging out with him, and loved being in his company. Then all of a sudden *poof* he was all of a sudden working like 22 hours a day, with no time to even message me to find out how my day was going. I knew something was up, gut feeling, but didn't have anything to back it. So whenever I'd ask to get together or to just talk, I would have my head ripped off. "I'm working, what's wrong with you? What don't you get about that?" ... only to find out by one of their best friends that he was now chasing his best friends little sister who is 14 years younger than the guy I was seeing... This made me feel so sick... Then I hear from his SISTER-IN-LAW that he told her I wasn't his girlfriend, I was some stalker who only went to visit him because I threatened to kill myself. This is SO FAR beyond the truth, it's unbelievable. THEN! I find out that he was saying the same thing to his best friend. So! because this person was getting caught in his lies, I was the one who was made to feel as though I was totally worthless. I started to slip back into old habits, sleeping all day, not eating, getting sick when I would eat, etc. BUT! me being the person I am, I still wanted to be friends with this person because they are going through a lot in their life, and I did care about them, so I wanted to be there for them and do whatever I could do to help them. I was willing to bend over backwards for this person, and they totally took advantage of me. This wasn't just someone who I knew online... we were together physically as well, and I had started a good friendship with his mother too. I was told to never talk to him, or any of his family ever again. This hurt. still does hurt. I decided to tough it out though, and finally it was decided that we would remain friends. He told me I was a good person, had a good heart, etc. and I fell for it all over again. Friends is better than nothing, right? Yeah, right! Despite the fact that up until a few days ago, I was still willing to bend over backwards for this person, even though they said they would kill me!!!!, I was willing to forget the past and hope for a good friendship. But, it never fails... the lies didn't stop, I was told we could hang out only to be ditched and stood up. I put other things in my life on hold, including homework, and family. "I'm sorry hun, I will call you when I get home, I promise." yeah RIGHT! the next time I heard from him was him yelling at me, saying to never contact him again. My question is, how can people do this to other humans? How can you lie to someone without feeling an ounce of guilt for it? I have made mistakes in my past, I have lied to people I cared for, and believe me, I have paid the price. But to lie to someone right to their face, to pretend you care about someone when really you couldn't care less if they were run over by a transport truck the next day is beyond me.

On top of all of this, I have now lost someone who I thought was a good friend of mine for three years! All because I didn't know someone was their friend and ejected them from my lounge for not talking. This person was my rock. We'd been through thick and thin together, but because I was having a bad day, and had an itchy trigger finger, this person is nowhere in my sight... I know other people are there for me, but this person was by my side for 3 years and knows pretty much... no... not pretty much... this person knows EVERYTHING about me. It's just not the same... I feel as though I'm sitting in a pool of sharks with an open wound, and everyone just keeps feeding on me, and the second that wound starts to heal again, it's ripped back open.

I am human, I make mistakes, but I always own up to my mistakes, I admit I made them, and I do whatever I can to make it up to those I hurt... What did I do to deserve being treated like this? Am I paying for something I did in a past life? Why is it I feel so alone in a world that is overcrowded? Do I have "treat me like shit, I'll put up with it" tattooed on my forehead that is invisible to only me? For once I would like it if my happiness would last for more than a few weeks. Did he think it would be easier to hide things from me because we don't live in the same country? even though, I'm only 20 minutes away... I don't get it... I put everything I have into my friendships and relationships, and it all gets thrown back in my face. I give up. If you want to be my friend, my lover, my stone, accept me for who I am. Yes, I cry, yes I get mad, yes, I say things I don't mean, but yes, I will do anything in my power to make sure you are happy.............

Why do we allow experiences that we have had with others hinder the experiences we could have had with ones now? Why do we push those who truly care about us away, when they have done nothing but love us? Is there any way to make up for past wrong doings? Is there any possibility to truly forgive and forget? How can we possibly begin to show those we have hurt that we truly love them? How can we possibly begin to show those we have hurt that we are truly sorry for our actions? How is it possible to look back on the past and not even recognize who we once were? How is it possible that we let people have so much control over our lives that we loose all control ourselves? 

It is impossible to express the pain felt, it is impossible to express the love felt, it is impossible to prove that you would truly do anything for someone you have hurt in the past... All that is asked is to be given the second or third (or fourth, fifth, sixth) chance, as the case may be. 

Why would that next chance be given? Love? Is love really real? or is it something we have all created in our minds with the hopes that we won't be alone for the rest of our lives? If that person forgives us and grants us that second chance, how do we know they are genuine about it? How do we know that it isn't "payback" for everything you have put them through? How do we know that they aren't going to walk out on us once they realize that we really aren't worth it?

How do we fix it? Do we pack up and move across the world now? Risk everything for it? Or do we stay put, and always wonder "what if"? How do we fulfill the dreams we always had? of the little curly haired girl, and little trouble making boy down by the sea. When will it all end? When will the dreams come true, or fade away? As I goto sleep every night, I pray that the time for those dreams to come true or fade away is near... I pray the end of the pain is near... I pray to finally be able to have the feeling of being in the arms of the one who I love the most. I pray for forgiveness, and understanding... 

I read a sign today that said "The weak do not forgive, for it is a virtue of the strong". I thought 'how true'. For one to be able to forgive me for all that I have done would be the hardest thing I have ever asked anyone to do... Do I have the courage to ask? Do I truly deserve to be forgiven? I understand I am human, everyone makes mistakes. . . but not everyone makes cold hearted mistakes. Where do we go for answers to these questions? A magical experience with our fairy godmother? No, this isn't Disney. If you find the fountain of answers, please, let me know. That is where I will spend eternity

I believe everything happens for a reason. You meet people, for a reason. You experience things, for a reason. Be it pain, happiness, contentedness, relaxation, everything happens for a reason. A hard homework assignment... sure it stresses you out, but it helps you realize that you are capable of anything once you put your mind to it. The jackass bully from grade 2... helps you realize that some people are just rude and there's nothing you can do to make everyone like you. Later in life you realize that they just did it to make themselves feel better. Kind of get some weird sense of satisfaction knowing that even though they were jackasses, they needed you in their life. You don't hear of high school sweethearts much anymore. I think that's because we need to experience the heartaches, the break ups, the bad times with people in order to appreciate what you will have, or currently do have. We need to be with the wrong one in order to know what it feels like so we know when the right one comes along. We need those times to teach us when it is okay to give your heart away, to trust people, and when it's not. But where do we draw the line? We've all been hurt in the past, and we've all hurt others in the past. We all have our fair share of ex's I'm sure. From each one, we had certain lessons that needed to be learned. Be it when to trust and not to trust, when to bend over backwards and when not to, when to let go and when not to, when to accept the fact that you're happy, to learn what it is we want in someone and what we don't want. There is nothing wrong with missing someone from the past. I miss people from the past every day. But I beg of you, don't take for granted the ones who are in your life now. It will only lead to you missing them in the future. Heartache is not an easy thing to heal. It doesn't happen over night. But you have to let yourself heal too. Living in the past too much will prevent you from living now. It will prevent you from appreciating what's in front of you. I wear my heart on my sleeve and there is no way I would ever change that. Yes I have been hurt by a lot of people in my life, but I also have the amazing friends I do because of that, and I would much rather have a few close friends than a lot of distant friends. I fall hard, love fast, and do anything to make those around me happy. So I ask of you, take the lessons you need to learn and let go of the past, for you are not seeing what's standing right in front of you.

People say that love doesn't hurt... if it hurts, it's not love... then what is this? Why does it hurt? What am I supposed to do with these feelings that I don't understand?Why is it once we are in a situation that hurts us and haunts us for what seems to be forever, do we keep putting ourselves in those same situations? Why are we unable to break the viscous cycle? Girls are taught from a very young age that if a boy hurts you, it's because he likes you. If you've seen "He's Just Not That Into You", you know exactly what I'm talking about. Why do we do this to each other? Why do we allow others who hurt us to have such huge effects on our lives? These are questions that run through my mind ever day, and I have yet to find the answers. Why can't life be as simple as we thought it was when we were little? Why can't I just live out the dreams of a 5 year old? All I wanted to do was marry my best friend, get a good paying job, have a son and daughter, and live the life it seemed my parents lived. As I grew up, I lost my best friend, I lost my good paying (or somewhat decent paying) job for reasons beyond my control, dated a bunch of losers who seem to have broken my heart beyond repair... it seems nothing in my childhood dream will come true. I try to surround myself with people who I think will treat me well and treat me with the love and respect I treat them with, but that seems to change on a daily basis. One day I'm a key feature in their life, the next I'm just a piece of furniture that is sitting there, waiting for them to come home to to get comfy on... I want to be there through thick and thin for those I love, is it really too much to ask that they do the same? Are people so oblivious as to what is going on around them to fail to see the pain in my eyes? the worry? the fear? I think back to the little girl I used to be... so immune to all the pain the world causes. I realize I am not that little girl anymore. The pain the world causes has huge effects on me. How is it possible that all of that doesn't matter? How can one hurt someone so much and not care at all? not feel one ounce of guilt for it? I try to remind myself over and over that I have not had it as bad as some of those out there... and it is for those people that I fear as well... how can people handle such traumatic events and still carry on every day? There is no place in this world for people without thick skin... so I am afraid I have to turn into one of those people. How? I have no idea. Hopefully it will get easier with each day that passes.