Big Dog's blog: "The incoherent ramblings of a broken mind"

I am so damn tired. I want to disappear. I hurt ALL the time, but nothing helps. Noone even tries to understand anymore. I do not want to die, but I would welcome it if it meant no more pain. The meds I take make me sicker, but they take the edge off. That's about it. I wake up in the mornings so stiff and sore sometimes I wonder if I ran a marathon with a 100 lb. backpack. My hands are numb every morning, and it takes 30-60 mins. to get some feeling back. I just want to be able to wake up with the ability to move. The diagnosis I got 5-6 years ago no longer fits my symptoms, is it wrong to want to be treated for the right stuff? I am very tired of being sick.

I am beyond belief. I know. I am seriously crippled up. I am an ugly-ass sex addict. I don't really like myself. I never did. I tried to protect my brother from the evil ones, but I failed. It's my fault he's in jail. I couldn't stop them, so he got messed up too. I spend all my time trying to figure out HOW I could have saved him, kept them away from him. I owe his kids at least that much, if not more. I guess I could have killed the evil, but I don't know how I'd have done it. I was 3 years old. I have studied death for the last 20 years, wishing I could go back and make things right. I know that it's impossible, that I should move on. I don't know how. How do you live that kind of stuff, and not have it affect you? What could I have done differently?

I am at a loss. I don't know peace. I hear noise all the time, I see things that are not real. I smell things from my past. Things long gone. Things I never want to smell again. I suffer silently in fear and paranoia. Now pain. My soul is exhausted. My body is decaying. My mind is twisting, like a spider on a thread. Nothing stops. When I try to shut it out it screams. It yells for me to pay attention. I don't even remember what "it" is anymore. Yet it torments me unmercilessly. Is it my conscience? My instincts? My soul, crying out for mercy? Someday, it WILL stop, and that will scare me even more. Why?