Red Queen of Broken Hearts's blog: "Tale of the broken heart"

I thought I was going to be able to let my heart out of it's lonely room.. 

Carefully I undid the locks.. 

Slowly opened the door.. 

Fresh air rushed in.. 

My heart started to beat happily... 

Then poof, he was gone... 

So I shut the door.. 

Relocked the locks and added another... 

And another piece of my heart dies.

Loneliness seeps in thru the cracks of my broken heart

filling them with hot bitter tears I don't dare to shed

choking out what life there is left in my heart

trying to still it forever

I was reading some articles about why we fall in love and why we cheat... 

Why we fall in love seems simple enough.. 

There is a rush of chemicals to the brain "similar to a cocaine high" according to one article I read.. 

Men tend to fall in love easier or faster (for want of a better term) than women do because they are more visual.. 

In fact, men tend to be the first one to say "I love you" in a relationship.. around 60% of the time according to another article.. 

Now then, when it comes to cheating seems things can get way more complicated.. 

While high percentages of both sexes agree that cheating for any reason is wrong it still happens in approximately 50% of relationships.. 

So why do people cheat?

One article I read basically laid all blame at the feet of the person cheated on and not the cheater.. 

Another article listed 25 reasons why.. I'm not going to list them all here... 

In a nutshell tho it would seem that they boil down to a couple of basics.. 

Either there is a problem in the relationship or there is a psycological reason within the person who is cheating.. 

If there is a problem in the relationship that has caused someone to cheat there is at least 1 other problem, communication.  

If couples would talk to each other that would probably go a long way toward preventing cheating.. 

Now I'm, obviously, no expert on successful relationships.. I am a veteran of 2 failed marriages and 2 failed relationships since then... 

My marriages ended because my husbands cheated.. I have looked within myself to see if I could figure out why they would do that.. trying to find out if it was because of something I did or did not do... 

All I can say is that I tried to be a good wife.. and if I failed.. I'm sorry.. 

What is it we really want?

Whether we choose to admit it we all want basically the same thing... 

We want to find someone to share our days and nights with...

Someone who understands and accepts us... 

We all need someone to touch and be touched by...

Even me.. though as time passes a doubt more and more that I will find that.. 

And if I don't that's ok.. because I am a whole person all by myself.. 

I don't need someone to complete me.. I need someone to accept me completely.. 

if anyone does read these things I write (highly doubtful).. I'm just doing a little venting.. 

I'm so tired of men leading me to believe that I'm important to them this week.. and then next week or next month they are done...  I realize I'm not the most beautiful or most interesting woman in the world.. but that doesn't mean, however, that I don't have a lot to offer.. I have a lot of love, affection to give.. I accept people as they are, I don't expect them to change..I'm a woman of reasonable intelligence.. I have diverse interests.. I enjoy learning new things... regardless of all this tho it seems a man's interest in me wanes.. sometimes quickly.. I'm really not sure what's wrong with me and no one will tell me so I can't do anything about it.. 

Now with Valentines Day nearly upon us it makes me think (not always a good thing.. lol)... what is it about me that first attracts men then makes them walk or sometimes run away from me?.. sometimes they drop me quickly, harshly and I never hear from them again.. other times they do a slow fade from me.. a lot of the time they find someone else, someone more exciting I guess.. regardless of how they leave, leave they do.. 

So I sit here.. alone.. wondering.. what is wrong with me?.. not pretty enough?.. not exciting enough?.. not mysterious?.. what is it?

I'll probably never know.. and will, therefore, probably spend the rest of my life alone.. which is not all bad.. at least no one will be lying or cheating on me.. 

but still sometimes, thinking about all this, it makes the pieces of my broken heart ache with longing and loss...

I normally write some sort of prose but here is my little bit of wisdom for the day instead.. 

If there is anything life has taught me it is that for most people, love is a transient emotion generally governed by ones genitals.. Those we love and want to marry today are the same ones we hate tomorrow and never want to see again.. it is an unwitting game we get into anytime we fall "in love"... so I choose to retire from this game.. with a batting average of 0 I should have retired long ago.. 

*disclaimer

this does not include everyone, some are able to fall in love forever and for those people I am happy.. :)

Why do you haunt me?

Every time I think I'm ok

That you are just a part of my past

I feel you in a song

Why do you haunt me?

Every time I think the hurt is gone

That you simply walked away

I hear you in a whisper

Why do you haunt me?

Every time I step away from the pain

That you never said good bye

You infect my dreams

Why do you still haunt me?

Oh how I love the smile of a man, 

 how it makes his face light with good humor

 and sometimes mischief 

 how it reflects in his eyes with laughter

 and sometimes desire

 how it makes is face glow with happiness

 and sometimes love

Oh how I love the smile of a man, 

 Yet the devil dances there, with disguised lust

 and he beguiles

 He makes promises of love

 and passion

 And leaves me wanting, alone

 and broken

Oh how I hate the smile of a man

After years of keeping my heart locked away... 

years of keeping it safe to heal.. 

you asked for it and I gave it to you.. 

I gave it freely and with happiness.. 

then you broke it and gave it back.. 

I took it back reluctantly.. 

and with tears of hurt and sorrow.. 

Realizing only after trying to piece it back together.. 

that you kept the key... 

why?

I told you I was scared... told you I didn't want to be hurt again.. 

You asked me not to be afraid... said you wouldn't hurt me.. 

You made me feel safe.. so I trusted you.. 

I gave you my heart.. for a while it was wonderful.. 

I had forgotten what that happiness felt like.. until.. 

You left me.. leaving me hurt and asking why?

Every time you avoid me.. every time you lie to me.. 

You hurt me all over again... leaving me to believe 1 thing.. 

No man is to be trusted... all they want in the end... is to hurt me..