Over 16,530,886 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
First off let me say this up front, no I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else.
The hardest thing in life is to keep going. I have strength in Christ, and to be honest without that, without me literally clinging to that, I probably wouldn't be here among you right now. So much has been just taken away with no apologies, heck in some cases quite the opposite. I'm sitting here writing this, and my next sentence was going to start with "few if anyone truly realizes ..." but the fact of the matter is, no one realizes how hard this is, how hard each day is. A small handful of people know bits and pieces, but no two people know the same pieces, that's by design believe it or not. The few that I would lean on wont or can't be there because of their own pride or other personal issues, that don't need to be discussed here, and wont be discussed here. In the silence of a practically empty apartment, at night where there is little to do, and even less to distract, the walls breakdown, as do I. The water runs cold in the shower and no longer hides my burning tears. Am I empty? I wish it was that simple. I am so past empty that it's remarkable that I'm not inside out.
The amazing thing is, I will go to sleep at some point tonight. I will wake up in the morning and while still in bed I will ask Him for strength, and He will give it because in my weakness He is shown perfect. I will get dressed and do what is needed to be done tomorrow and have just enough to complete the tasks He sets before me.
I know very little of this if any of it will make sense to anyone. But please before I get any panicked phone calls tonight, please know that I am in no physical danger to myself or anyone else. In the absence of being able to lean on anyone at this hour, I sit and write. It doesn't make anything better the pain is still there, it's ALWAYS there but maybe just maybe someone that is going through some sort of struggle reads this at some point and they'll know they aren't alone, that they aren't the only one. If this post bothers or offends you, my apologies, feel free to unfriend me if you wish.
