A comment from my ex-boyfriend…
“yah i know months ago but i just had to know. im goin to hell anyway and i know it. plz just let the past die...im still trying but i have constant reminders i find old love notes and things every once in a great while oh and you should be happy to know yes it still hurts to see things like that. i did love you and always will you know that. im srry for what iv done i know you wont forgive me and im not asking you to i hope you wont. ya sick and twisted i know... OH new thing i acualy hade someone tear my heart out basicly and im happy to say i know what it feals like so i know and understand your fealings towrd me compleatly. Ok back to other things id like to just chat with you some time and see if we can just some of the hot water out of the pot i would like to hear from you I Do Miss You and think about you alot and wonder how you are doing. i know i know stop... but after a year i still cant. NO this is not a pittiful atempt at anything but trying to gain a friend back where a X loved one used to be. so i guess ill get back to you some other time i hope you have a good time between when you read this and the next time you get one from me so we can chat well bye :|
i know you dont wanna hear this but i love you still and hope you the best and to hell i can do but comeing back i wont...”
My reply…
“The one thing that I tend to notice is that whenever you write something, Timothy, you always seem to include me somewhere. Somehow. And the other thing I tend to notice too is that no matter who I date or who I like...I ALWAYS find your attributes in them and that scares me. Its scares the shit out of me to the point where I think that I will never find someone I can care about again because I'm afraid that I'm ALWAYS going to see you.
Hot water? You want hot water? Do you even KNOW why I broke up with you? Do you realize what I went through and who I became from being with you? Do you realize what I turned down and the people I missed really being friends with? I didn't break up with you because of your three day stint with a 14 year old. I didn't do it because I was mad at you or because I was scared...I did it because I was sick. I was tired. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I was tired of the stress and the depression. I was sick physically from worrying about you all the time. Worrying when the next blow up would be. Worrying when you would get mad at me. Tired of the fighting because it was NEVER the same after we broke up in September. Never the same.
I was tired of always wearing the fucking pants and always wondering who you were talking shit to about me because I know you did, Timothy. Valiant of you, though, to tell me that when we first started going out that you didn't know my name, didn't even like me and that you were just using me for sex in the first two months of our realationship, if you want to call it that. You were always angry, you were always this and you were always that. I was tired of having to wait for you to come around. I was tired of everything that we were because it was going NOWHERE fast. I was tired of being depressed all the time. I was tired of the tears and I was tired of the crying.
Who was the one who ran after you when you ran out of the house after that fight with Izzy? Who was the one that tried talking to whenever (which was most of the time) that you got mad? Who was the one who tried to help you with that? Who was the one who tried to help you remember that issue with your mother? Who was the one who was there when you tried to commit suicide on more than one occasion? Do you even know what that was like? Did you even care? Knowing that you wanted to off yourself when someone was standing right there beside you who loved you. Who cared about you. Do you know what its like to feel that it doesn't matter? That they don't care that you love them enough. Who was the one who made you listen...and yet...I feel like you heard me. You never listened. You didn't know how. You didn't know how to do most of anything and I was holding on to nothing, Timothy. I was holding onto MY hopes and dreams. I was holding onto MY wishes that maybe...some day you were going to wake up and see that there really was someone out there who cared about you. That you really did deserve it. And yet...you always yelled at me. You always pointed out my flaws. I remember the name calling, the jokes...oh and one cannot forget the racial comments when YOU OPENLY ADMITTED that you were a racist...Timothy don't play the pity card. Don't act like the victim because neither of us are. You're right though...the past is the past. Let the past die...but how can I let it when all I see is you when I try to get close to people? How can I when you write about me...or make mention of me in your writings? How can I when I still talk to people who know you? How can I do much of anything when you were the first person who tainted my view on love?
You were right. You don't know how. It wasn't the cheating, the name calling, the racial jokes, the anger...it was the fact that everything you did, everything you were screamed that you were meant to be alone and I was the one who didn't want to see it because I thought I could save you from yourself. I thought that maybe if I loved you enough for the both of us that maybe it wouldn't matter. But it did. Everything did.
Timothy, you come from a loving family, dammit! If your mother hated you than you wouldn't have a fucking roof over your head, food to eat and a place to sleep. If your father never cared, so fucking what? He didn't deserve to know you so screw him and all that he stands for. I feel like I'm damaged goods because of you. I feel like that I can never be loved for who I am or what I do because it was you who I had to guard myself against. You're the reason I put up my walls and you're the reason I can't put them down. Why I'm afraid to go out there and love someone. Why I can't just catch a break.
I had a long talk with Joel. A really long talk and he told me you didn't get with that girl...which is fine. But what isn't is that you NEVER ONCE mentioned that you had a girlfriend. "No, I can't do that, I have a girlfriend." Never. And he was right too...what he said: "You won't find someone you love because your heart still belongs to him." It does. A piece...which means that I can never love someone fully until I find closure. Until I can get over what you've done to my mind. My heart. And my soul.
Timothy...you deserve the world...the best in life and love and happiness. So act like it.”
Well...so much for burying the past...
