Lye's blog: "Slightly medicated rants..."

I got a boyfriend. In a state of shock...but...lets see how this one goes. Hopefully...I don't fall head over heels too quickly. Again. Yeah...we all know how that one went. >_> And...hey...if I do...well maybe this one won't fuck me over... I can only dream.

Maybe I'm the one who is the glutton for punishment...

I know they say that you have muck through alot of the assholes to find that one, perfect guy...but you know...every let down, every rejection,every slap in the emotional face...that saying will NEVER EVER justify the pain. It will never, ever make it hurt any less. What you see...is what I put on for you to see. What I want you to see. Rarely, do I ever care enough to even let you in. But you know...I do. And guess what? I'm always the one to get fucked over for it. For wanting to be wanted. It never fails. Ever. And you. You know who the hell you are and what the hell you did. You know, like I told you, I respect the fact that you had the damn decency to tell me up front and not play me...but of all fucking people. Really...Thats like really slapping me across the face. When I was willing to make it work...despite the distance...despite everything and here you go, making me feel used. Like I said...its nothing new. Its nothing I don't expect and maybe thats why you decided what you did...I don't know but can you honestly expect me to think that you went back because of your feelings? Ha! In the whole time we talked...all the bad shit that happened...and you decide to go back. What? Are you a glutton for punishment? The same shit will happen that happened before. I can promise you that and chances are the only reason she was up your ass as much as she was was because she knew you were talking to someone else. 'Gotta grab him back before someone else does.' Right, I hardly believe it. But you know what is more believable...that you're scared. You put on this bullshit front about being hard, about being all tough and when it comes down to it, you go back to what is familiar. You go back and try to make something work that WILL NEVER WORK. You know it. I know it...I'm just the only one sitting here willing to admit it. Willing to push it in your face because Lord knows you won't see it. Here I was and you knowing how I felt about you and you still turned around and dropped it. Thanks. You've made your bed...and now you've got to lie it. Good luck.

Okay...so since when did it become okay to ever insult someone that another person cares about? Really...did I miss something? There is this guy that I really like. If you people have been following, then you might know who. Might. Maybe. I dunno. Well, anyways...last night, my mothers boyfriend proceeds to put his foot firmly into his mouth. "That guy you brought to the house the other night, what gorilla cage did you get him out of? He was huge." See...is there any right way for me to take that? Did I not read between the lines enough? How can I take that as a joke? I can see maybe: "Don't take offense to this but the guy that you brought to the house to the other night was a big boy." That would have been a little better...maybe. And yes, the guy that I like is 6 feet 3 inches tall. He is a big guy...but where and when do you get the hell off saying shit like that? I mean, I personally don't think I overreacted to a comment like that. I didn't reach over and back hand the bastard across the face like I wanted to but still...what he said would have been like someone going up to a friend of theirs and saying: "Damn, dude, when did you go to the shelter? She's a fucking dog." Or... "Wow, girl, know wonder you didn't tell me you had a man. You went dumpster diving." Its really one thing that you DO NOT want to do...insult the people I care about. You'll find yourself firmly rotating on a potato peeler. Try me.

Just...yeah...there will always be variables I know I can't change...that I know are not my fault. But it doesn't make it any better...nor any worse. It will always hurt...until those variables are either demolished...or there is a loop hole found. Hopefully...I'll find one.

You know...its always been hard to me to sit there and accept people for who and what they really are... I met someone this weekend...from here. He shall remain nameless but he knows who he is...and for once...I wasn't nervous. He didn't try to be anything he wasn't and he didn't try to impress anyone. I like that. I like him. Alot. And it really bugs me out a little because I really haven't felt like this before...To really want to wake up next to someone, despite the horrid snoring and the morning breath, to really want to just go to sleep there next to them and feel that comfort. The skin to skin warmth that really only someone else can give you. I just don't want this weekend to be for nothing because I was too chicken to shit ask him to his face. I don't normally do what I did and but it would be nice to know where we stand now... I just hope it isn't way out in left feild...

"A World Gone Mad" Yeah… Can someone tell me where it all went wrong? Where the world finally lost it. When it became cool to say "Nigga" and not think twice about where it came from. When it became cool to try and be "ghetto." To try and strive to be…poor. To live back in a time where one man was hell bent on an Aryan nation, dividing families and forcing them into disease ridden conditions. But…I'm sorry. I forgot. Its bad ass to be a drug dealer…making all this money and still being…poor. Living off welfare checks and driving a Jaguar. Being up on the latest fashion, dripping in gold…no wonder why you live in the ghetto. And I walk down the street, past 14 year olds with babies… Past guys in ugly ass dropped down suped up Honda Civics. Hey…guess what? Your car is still a piece of shit. Hey, guess what? I'm not the type of chick you can fuck for a night. Whispering the "Baby, I love you's" and the "I'll always be there's." Brainwashing me into believe that I'm more than just some lay to you. More than just some fuck to you. That you'll be there when the sun rises over that city sky line. At least…that's what you got them to believe, right? With your charming poisoned lies… So I sit back… Watching. Waiting. For something new to happen. When these damn white boys will stop trying to be a product of their enviornment. "Yo baby" this and "Holla back" that. When the girls will stop giving themselves a bad name by spreading their legs instead of their minds. When a teacher will make more than the pop star they taught. When will it all change? Because I refuse to bring a child into a world where gun shots speak louder than words. Where fists fly and… Decent people die and… Gangs have more influence than education. Where a person would rather pick up a gun than a book or a pen… Rather pull the trigger than write. To shoot a bullet than shoot words that won't end up on the 10 o' clock news. Permanent picture of a devastated mother. Beaten and broken. Red eyed from tokin' up. So…I look at my skin. Where do I fit in? Not rich…not poor… Which box to I check off? Not black enough. Not white enough. Not Hispanic enough. And there is no "All of the above" box either. But…my skin isn't as white as yours. Not as brown as yours. My thick hair might give me away… If you look close enough…you just might find some street in my eyes. In my frustrated cries. Because I want to make something of myself. I am more than just a government number. More than just a statistic on the chart of the American Minorities. But…I wasn't raised in the ghetto so I'm too white bred to be street. I didn't grow up in suburbia so I'm too ghetto to be white bred. So what am I? I'll tell you. Let you in on the "All About Me" section of my life. I got curly hair on my head. Thick hips and nice lips. Green eyes and smooth skinned thighs. I'll paint my own nails because I don't have the money for a manicure. I wear glasses because I can't see. And these bracelets…they hide the scars of my past. I'm not afraid of food…and it doesn't really show but I got meat on these bones. Cross me, I'll bitch you out. Touch me, I'll knock you down. So why does it matter where I live or what I am? But I see it everyday…the rage…the anger. Suicide. Homicide. Genocide. Death at the hands of a world gone mad. So come back to me when you have something to say that's worth listening to. When you do something that's worth watching. I don't care what color your skin is. What rep you have. What gang you're in. Who you've shot. Fought with. The money in your pocket. The clothes on your back. The shoes on your feet. I don't care about that… Only that you can write. That you can read. If you plan on becoming something more than what the streets told you to be. I'll care then. Until that day…its now or never. So die trying or don't try at all.

A small amount of bisexuals are hypocrites.. I'm not one of them.. I can't stand when people discriminate and judge me or anyone else for that matter. Here's some valid points in defense of bisexuals. I found it on some random webpage. Bisexual myths More people are admitting to being bisexual - yet many of us don't really know what this sexual preference actually means. Bisexuality Defined A person who is sexually attracted to and engages in sensual or sexual relationships with people of either sex. A bisexual person may not be equally attracted to both sexes, and the degree of attraction may vary over time. Bisexuals have to like both men and women equally Wrong - There is no right or wrong way to be bisexual. You are the person who determines your sexuality. If you only date girls but are also attracted to guys, you can be bisexual. The same goes for people who date guys, but still like girls. Some people believe that your sexuality is always changing. If you are bisexual, you could be attracted to men and women at different points in your life. It is the individual you find attractive, not their gender. Bisexuals are promiscuous, they can't hold down a committed monogamous relationship Wrong - News flash: a bisexual can fall in love and hold down a relationship. Being bisexual might mean you feel attracted to guys and girls, but it doesn't give you license to be unfaithful to your partner, or to expect him/her to accept another person in to your love life. Relationships still have the same rules. Bisexual people are just playing around, they can choose to be straight Wrong - You don't choose your sexual orientation, you just feel it, be you straight, gay or bi. There's a difference between being straight and falling in love with a person of the opposite sex and being bi and doing so. In the latter case, this doesn't mean that they aren't attracted to people of the same sex still or that they aren't bisexual. You aren't turned straight. Bisexual people are just denying that they are gay Wrong - Being bisexual is different to being lesbian or gay. However, because your sexuality can change over time, it is possible to be bisexual for a while and then to be gay or straight. But most consider themselves bisexual for their whole lives and they tend not to change the category from one relationship to the next. So before you express your unwanted opinions outlawing bisexuality you should make sure you have the knowledge and life experiences to back it up.

Close your eyes, dear sweet one. Close them and forget this. Forget about me. About your drama ridden reality… Your suicide notes and butterfly kisses… Bullets to the head and kissing the world a fond fare thee well. Your desire…it was strong. I could feel it crawl along my skin. Seep into my veins. Screaming…and you never bothered to listen. You never gave in… You never sought to have the pleasure of living… How can I look at you? How can I not be ashamed? Ashamed for you…with you…because of you. Its all your fault. And you never answered me back. Not a word to utter to me… My reflection was always the quiet one.

I am me. I will be me today, tomorrow, and into the near future. I will always be me and if you don't like that then don't look at who I am. Don't make remarks about me...or talk about me behind my back. I will be me whether I'm "gothic," or "punk," or "thug." I'm still me. I'll be me whether I'm straight, bisexual or gay...I'm still me. If you don't like that, I don't care. Does it matter to you if I do or not? Does it matter to you that I don't talk to you about who I am? What I do... When I do it... I'm still me and you're still you. And you concern yourself with who I am...do you really honestly care Or are you just looking for another angle to stab at me with...? Does it really matter who my friends are? What orientation I am or what my ethnic background is? Does it really matter that I'm not striving to be just like you think you are? I guess it does. It matter to you that I'm not striving to be your friend. So in turn you have to strive to get me to notice you. But...at the end of the day...I'm not you. I'm me. I'll be me tonight, tomorrow, and into the near future. And you...you'll still be you. And there is nothing that you can do about it.