I wrote this 1 Year ago today.
...did you know that out of the five senses, smell is the most everlasting, next to touch. Vision, taste, and hearing pale in comparison to the everlasting receptors of smell and touch. Todays blog is about...evrything and at the same time nothing. Try as I might to forget her, which could be the reason i havent called, or met with her before tonight, I cant seem to forget it, though she seems to have far from moved on. I got online tonight and we decided to meet so we could talk, well it halfway worked, she talked but not about what she needed to, oh well, in time she will let it go. She said that everything around town reminds her of him, what am I supposed to say to that? "Oh well, i guess now you know how it feels to have the center of your world ripped from you when your not ready to let it go?" No, I couldnt, and would not, and will not say that. I am better than that, she is in pain, and I did what i always do, I comfort her, or atleast i try. I sat down and listened, and I'm not complaining about it, it was nice to even see her again, 'twas more than i could have hoped for. But I couldnt stop there...smell....from the moment she got in my car that everlasting sense kicked in...Vanilla....and something else I could never quite place...I have convinced myself for a long time now that I was over her, that I had moved on, well I was ling to myself and to everyone around me. I sit here typing and even now I cant put down onto paper what i am thinking in my head, so i just let it all go. I miss her....everyday, every minute....I miss everything we shared, everything we talked about. I took for granted what I had when I had it and no amount of apologizing can make up for that. No amount of time can bring back the precious moments i wasted by being...depressed...what did I have to be depressed about?? Nothing, I had a beautifal Girlfriend, I was a senior, supposed to be the greatest year of our lives. I pissed away so much time becuase of what? Depression? No not depression....events that i created myself because i didnt know what else to do. You said the times you were with him were the times you could truely let go of everything and just be happy...yea...that sounds about right....I wish I could forget you, I wish i could move on....I wish I could abandon all hopes of ever rekindling whatever it was we had when we had it, but I cant, and honestly...I dont want to. I want to relish in it...if the price i have to pay to be happy is to forget everything, then i am more than content being sad. You all wanna know what really gets to me...I let her go without any fight at all...i just let it happen, not all at once but gradually and i was to blind to realize it, but now...now i know what i should have done better. I dont want your pity, any of you, I dont want to hear the bullshit comments of "Oh, I am so sorry for you" or "Don't worry, you'll feel better soon." I didnt post this for sympathy, or for an attempt to get something...I posted this becuase i am tired of holding it all in and at the present moment my journal seems to have grown fuckin legs...(Little Bastard)....i really dont know why i posted this, all my ramblings seem to start as something and end up with me rambling so i end it here....goodnight everyone
