Dargery's blog: "Our Place in Life"

Cited from Wikipedia: Love is a condition or phenomenon of emotional primacy, or absolute value. Love generally includes an emotion of intense attraction to either another person, a place, or thing; and may also include the aspect of caring for or finding identification with those objects, including self-love. Love can describe an intense feeling of affection, an emotion or an emotional state. In ordinary use, it usually refers to interpersonal love, an experience usually felt by a person for another person. Love is commonly considered impossible to define. The concept of love, however, is subject to debate. Some deny the existence of love. Others call it a recently invented abstraction, sometimes dating the "invention" to courtly Europe during or after the middle ages (though this is contradicted by the sizable body of ancient love poetry). Others maintain that love really exists, isn't an abstraction, but is indefinable; being a quantity which is spiritual, metaphysical, or philosophical in nature. Some psychologists maintain that love is the action of lending one's "boundary" or "self esteem" to another. And others attempt to define love and apply the definition to everyday life I don't feel good. After reading this, it would seem that anything and everything can be described scientifically. I refuse to believe that if something like love is possible it can be defined in lehman's terms. My head is throbbing, and my chest is being twisted in knots. I can't explain it, but it's been this way ever since last weekend. Once again I feel myself slipping into obscurity, entering that miasma of ambiguity where nothing matters but my own depravity and self-loathing. I really hate that, because I find it worthless, but I can't stop it from happening. It's like when you watch a t.v. show and cover your eyes because you're embaressed for the character. I can see myself thinking these foolish thoughts, typing these foolish blogs, doing those silly little things to get the attention that fuels my primal, primitive side. I want to be with her. But who is her? At this point in time there are 3 "her"s, all of which hold equal standings in my mind. It's nice to lounge around all day, to just be in their company, but is that really all love is? Could it be that this foolishness called love has no depth, but is merely a shallow wading pool of comfort? No. The love I want is something far greater then this pettiness. Then there's her. The 4th "her". The her that will never feel anything for me, the one who already has another "him" but still bends me to her will. Ha ha, I say "bends me to her will", but the truth is I let it happen. My best assumption is that my primitive side likes the feeling of being needed. To give her what she asks of me, while returning little to nothing. And the side of me that I percieve as "cultured" truely enjoys this, is madly infatuated with the picturesque image of humanity dirtying itself, lowering itself to fuel some carnal, childish humor. I do not want this. Not at all. But where am I to go? I wish someone could just talk to me. But we never talk. Not with the 3, we just lounge around. That's ok. But the 4th. I feel like things might fall into place, even a little bit, if we could just have one talk that wasn't about her petty relations, what she wants from me, and why I don't have it. I want to know her, not what she wants. I already know what she wants, and spend the bulk of my free time amassing it for her. But that is irrelevant. I know it will end. Possibly someday soon. But I pray to whatever God will listen that she opens to me sometime before the end. I may love her. I've said it to her, but perhaps it was simply out of desperation. I want to be everywhere. I want to know everything. I want to fuck everyone in the world. I want to do something... That matters...

I wrote this 1 Year ago today. ...did you know that out of the five senses, smell is the most everlasting, next to touch. Vision, taste, and hearing pale in comparison to the everlasting receptors of smell and touch. Todays blog is about...evrything and at the same time nothing. Try as I might to forget her, which could be the reason i havent called, or met with her before tonight, I cant seem to forget it, though she seems to have far from moved on. I got online tonight and we decided to meet so we could talk, well it halfway worked, she talked but not about what she needed to, oh well, in time she will let it go. She said that everything around town reminds her of him, what am I supposed to say to that? "Oh well, i guess now you know how it feels to have the center of your world ripped from you when your not ready to let it go?" No, I couldnt, and would not, and will not say that. I am better than that, she is in pain, and I did what i always do, I comfort her, or atleast i try. I sat down and listened, and I'm not complaining about it, it was nice to even see her again, 'twas more than i could have hoped for. But I couldnt stop there...smell....from the moment she got in my car that everlasting sense kicked in...Vanilla....and something else I could never quite place...I have convinced myself for a long time now that I was over her, that I had moved on, well I was ling to myself and to everyone around me. I sit here typing and even now I cant put down onto paper what i am thinking in my head, so i just let it all go. I miss her....everyday, every minute....I miss everything we shared, everything we talked about. I took for granted what I had when I had it and no amount of apologizing can make up for that. No amount of time can bring back the precious moments i wasted by being...depressed...what did I have to be depressed about?? Nothing, I had a beautifal Girlfriend, I was a senior, supposed to be the greatest year of our lives. I pissed away so much time becuase of what? Depression? No not depression....events that i created myself because i didnt know what else to do. You said the times you were with him were the times you could truely let go of everything and just be happy...yea...that sounds about right....I wish I could forget you, I wish i could move on....I wish I could abandon all hopes of ever rekindling whatever it was we had when we had it, but I cant, and honestly...I dont want to. I want to relish in it...if the price i have to pay to be happy is to forget everything, then i am more than content being sad. You all wanna know what really gets to me...I let her go without any fight at all...i just let it happen, not all at once but gradually and i was to blind to realize it, but now...now i know what i should have done better. I dont want your pity, any of you, I dont want to hear the bullshit comments of "Oh, I am so sorry for you" or "Don't worry, you'll feel better soon." I didnt post this for sympathy, or for an attempt to get something...I posted this becuase i am tired of holding it all in and at the present moment my journal seems to have grown fuckin legs...(Little Bastard)....i really dont know why i posted this, all my ramblings seem to start as something and end up with me rambling so i end it here....goodnight everyone

Most people spend their entire lives searching, wishing, wanting that quintessential thing that makes like worthwhile. Whether it is another person, that perfect job, some sort of certificate, or what it be. Yet we all strive for the same commen goal, no matter what form it may take...Recognition. Literally speaking, recognition is receiving praise or somethign else for the things we do in life, our acheivements, our actions, and our attitude. For a doctor, somethign as amazing as saving someones life is an everyday occurance for them, and thus somethign they belive they just do. Same goes for a soldier, they save someones life, and its just another day in the job. Vetrenarians, teachers, scientists even, every day they do amazing things, but everyone just looks at them like its somethign they are supposed to do. Sure every now and then they recieve an award, or some small token of appreciation for what they do, but in this day and age, it takes nothing less than a small miracle for someone to get any sort of appreciation in this world. Which brings me to my point. With all the pressure that is put on us as teenagers/young adults to find somethign to do with our lives, how can we possibly choose somethign from the vast ocean of careers. When a childs supreme goal in life is to make their parents proud, how can recognition or praise be acheived when in our world, miracles are no longer anything mroe than everyday mundane tasks. a millenia ago when a doctor rescued a patient from what was certain death, they were made into gods on earth. Which is why there were no large allotment of Bums in the early Roman society and even into the late 1200's. Careers did not begin to be a problem until the miracles of life just became another day at the office so to speak. All of these seems to have stemmed from a conversation with my mother earlier today when she told me i needed to find something to do with my life. Well...if nothing i have done so far has made them proud of me, than what hope do I hold that anythign i do in the future will? What promise that anythign i can learn to do, or learn to better excell at will bring me any hope of that everlasting praise I desire so greatly from my parents? The simple answer is, there is no hope. Recognition is a thing for grade school children and Eighty year old retiree's. If I have to work Fourty years at a job I hate in order to recieve recognition from someone who has long been dead, than forget it. I"d rather work for myself, with no real career path, than slave away for the rest of my life, and getting nothing for it. Money serves no real purpose in my life, it is an end to the means, or however that goes. i want a promise that my deeds will not go unoticed, that my life will not be wasted by working everyday only to get a dinner and a certificate stating i can now retire and do what I really want for the last 10 years of my life. So next time you are given a hard time about what you are going to do with your life, or next time you are feeling bad because you dont know. Just remember...none of us have any idea what we want in life, except for that one simple thing...to be noticed....Goodnight everyone