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You know in the movie Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the bathtub that Harry gets into so he can decipher the Golden Egg?
I. Want. That. Fucking. Tub.
That is all.
One bright day, in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords, and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And went right out and got those boys.
If you don’t believe my lie is true …
Ask the blind man - he saw it, too.
I want to talk to you for a bit about communication, in regards to a relationship.
I’m going to start off here by bragging, just a bit. This isn’t something I do often - talk about the relationship my gf and I have - because, normally, it isn’t anyone’s business. But, I’m going t o right now to prove a small point. Just bear with me.
My gf and I have, for lack of a better word, an almost perfect relationship. It’s due to the fact that we talk, we communicate. About everything. There are no secrets between us, really. Now, I’m not talking about typical “secrets” like Christmas or birthday presents, or a surprise “Taking you out for dinner” type of thing. Now, we probably both have little secrets about our pasts that we haven’t talked about (everybody has tiny little secrets). But, if we haven’t talked about them, or if they haven’t been mentioned, it’s because they will not, and do not, affect our relationship with each other. They’re not important to the relationship we have.
But, everything else, is pretty much open where we’re concerned.
I’ve noticed, that’s one major factor that causes too many problems with too many relationships - lack of communication. People don’t seem to want to talk to each other, especially when they’re involved with each other. This strikes me as, well, stupid. Why, when you’re with someone, would you not talk to them? Especially when it deals with your relationship, and things that will affect it?
People, it seems to me, become embarrassed when they’re upset with the person they’re involved with. They also don’t want to “cause problems.” You know what will guarantee a problem in your relationship? Not talking. Seriously. If you can’t communicate your thoughts and feelings, your problems (or, should I say, if you refuse to communicate them) to the one you love … you are setting the relationship up to be doomed.
Now, granted, even with communication, some relationships don’t work out. It happens. Not everybody is “meant” to be together. And not everybody is “meant” to be together “forever.” But, by communicating, every relationship you have will be a bit better.
Honesty, in a relationship, is one of the most important things. Hence, communication. If something is bothering you - whether it’s about work, about little piddly things you’re thinking about, about something your love has done, even about a problem with the cat - talk to the one you’re with. It’s not really all that difficult. It’s as simple as saying, “Honey, this is what has been bothering me, and this is why I’m upset.” And it can be done without screaming at one another, or cursing at one another. Every couple fights - it’s part of being in a relationship. But, by talking to each other, you can limit many of the big fights that you may have. Hell, you can even limit many of the smaller ones, too. Don’t lie, be honest, be truthful. If you have a problem, talk about it.
Communication is a building block for any healthy relationship. Even if that means, sometimes, talking about things that don’t always exactly make you comfortable.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
HOWEVER …
The violets are wilting,
The roses are dead,
The sugar bowl’s empty,
And so is your head.
(I found this on the website myyearbook.com. It’s a very good, and informative, article about cutting. And it needs to be read. It clears up a lot of misconceptions - misconceptions that *I* am quite tired of, myself - about cutting.)
———
Kate Heath:
Why I Cut
Kate tries to bring some perspective on self-mutilation; what it is and why some people do it?
I’ve never been good at being “emotional.” In fact, for most of my life I’ve tried to stay away from any sort of drama associated with feelings or confrontations with others. Not to say that I’m not assertive, it’s just that I never thought it was important to react to everything with what I perceived as wasted passion. I’d say what I thought about a situation and that would be that. There was no sob story and no battle. I was always the type more likely to bottle up my emotions than let them pour freely. However, there came a time in my life when I was so caught up in not wanting to express anything anymore that I lost the ability to feel at all. I soon became numb inside. I wasn’t sure where to turn to believe that I was still real and capable of something so human. So, I turned to cutting.
Cutting was my escape. When I couldn’t feel anything on the inside, I’d cut just to feel on the outside. The sight of the blood was cathartic for me. It didn’t hurt—it was a release, a rush. With the right cut I could close my eyes and forget everything. I could take a breath and actually exhale for once instead of swallowing everything.
But with this private ritual came pain. Not from the objects I took to my skin, but from the fact that I had to hide what made me feel so good. I knew it wasn’t right; it wasn’t acceptable, even when it was the only thing I could count on at the end of the day—and my day wasn’t over until I did it.
“Unless we start talking about it and making it more acceptable for people to come forward,” says Dr. Daniel Silverman, Princeton’s Director of Health Services to MSNBC.com , “it will remain hidden.” For some people, self-injury is a coping mechanism that helps release stress, for others it’s a way of crying out. What is clear is that teen self-harm is on the rise.
Psychologist Richard Lieberman, who manages a suicide prevention program for Los Angeles public schools, says that counselors and psychologists alike have been “overwhelmed with referrals for these kids.” He told MSNB.com that one school in particular had reported several fourth-graders with burns on their arms, and another school sought help for “15 hysterical seventh-grade girls” who all had cuts on their arms.
While cutting has become more publicized in recent years—especially in association with Emoculture—it is certainly not a trait associated with any one culture or lifestyle. According to SelfInjury.com, even though only 4 percent of the population is made up of habitual self-injurers, nearly 1 in 5 students in high-school and college have tried it.
“Self-injury is not suicidal behavior,” says Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D of HelpGuide.org , a site that promotes awareness for teen and adults alike who are afflicted, “in fact, it may be a way to reduce the tension that, left unattended, could result in an actual suicide attempt. Self-injury is the best way the individual knows to self-sooth.” However, this self-soothing is a poor coping mechanism.
Self-injury includes but is not limited to: 1) cutting; 2) scratching; 3) picking scabs or interfering with wound healing; 4) burning; 5) punching self or objects; 6) infecting oneself; 7) inserting objects in skin; 8) bruising or breaking bones; and 9) some forms of hair-pulling known as trichotillomania.Self-injury can develop into an addictive behavior and it’s not uncommon that people who self-harm also have a tendency towards other behaviors like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Eating Disorders, or substance abuse problems (selfinjury.com).
What self-injurers need is a new way of dealing with stress, anger and sadness. Nearly 50 percent of self-injurers report that their trigger emotions stem from physical and/or sexual abuse during childhood (selfinjury.com). These are not emotions that they want to express verbally, so they find other ways of communicating. However, this communication is not always obvious. Often self-injurers will conceal the parts of their bodies where they harm with clothing or jewelry.
For people who have never inflicted harm on themselves as a means for coping, it’s not easily understood what the attraction to such an action would be. Thankfully, HelpGuide.org has compiled a some reasons as to why self-injurers take the path that they do:
Why People Self-Harm:
*Self-injury temporarily relieves intense feelings, pressure or anxiety
*Self-injury provides a sense of being real, being alive – of feeling something
*Self-injury temporarily relieves intense feelings, pressure or anxiety
‘8Self-injury provides a sense of being real, being alive – of feeling something
*Injuring oneself is a way to externalize emotional internal pain – to feel pain on the outside instead of the inside
*Self-injury is a way to control and manage pain – unlike the pain experienced through physical or sexual abuse
*Self-injury is a way to break emotional numbness (the self-anesthesia that allows someone to cut without feeling pain)
*Self-abuse is self-soothing behavior for someone who does not have other means to calm intense emotions
*Self-loathing – some self-injurers are punishing themselves for having strong feelings (which they were usually not allowed to express as children), or for a sense that somehow they are bad and undeserving (an outgrowth of abuse and a belief that it was deserved)
*Self-injury followed by tending to wounds is a way to express self-care, to be self-nurturing, for someone who never learned how to do that in a more direct way
*Harming oneself can be a way to draw attention to the need for help, to ask for assistance in an indirect way
*Sometimes self-injury is an attempt to affect others – to manipulate them, make them feel guilty or bad, make them care, or make them go away
“While self-harm is not usually suicidal behavior,” says Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D, “it should still be taken seriously.” If only it were as easy as telling a loved one to stop their addictive behavior. Unfortunately, it is typically a behavior that needs professional attention and assistance in order to treat. Treatment often comes with therapy, self-relaxation methods, anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication, and for serious cases, hospitalization.
Today, I try not to hold back. I try to be as honest with myself as I can in every moment of my life. Even though I still have the tendency to keep things to myself, I allow myself to talk things out too. I know that it’s better for me to reach out to a friend or my family when I feel like it’s me against the world. Sure I still slip and fall on bad habits and defense mechanisms, but now I can recognize the triggers and attempt to avoid them. I never started cutting with the intention of hurting myself, but I soon realized that even if I didn’t feel physical pain, hurting myself was exactly what I was doing.
What You Can Do:
According to HelpGuide.Org, the following steps can be taken to help a friend or family member who is a self-injurer:
*Understand that self-harming behavior is an attempt to maintain a certain amount of control, and that it is a way of self-soothing
*Let her or him know that you care and that you will listen
*Encourage expression of emotions, including anger
*Spend time doing enjoyable activities together
*Offer to help find a therapist or support group
*Do not tell the person to stop the behavior or make judgmental comments – people who feel worthless and powerless are even more likely to self-injure
*If you are the parent of a self-injuring child, prepare yourself to address your family’s difficulties with expression of feelings, as this is a common factor in self-injury – this is not about blame, but about a learning process that will help the entire family
It is possible to not only overcome the urge to self-harm, but to also find healthy outlets for the emotions that trigger you. I’ve found these outlets by talking to my friends, watching my favorite movies, and painting. Anything that you can do for yourself where you feel like you’re being expressive will help reduce the need to injure yourself. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to overcome this obstacle in my life, and I hope that you can do the same in yours. I know you can.
If you or someone you know self-injures please seek help at:
S.A.F.E. Alternatives 1985-2007
(Self-Abuse Finally Ends)
800-DONTCUT
www.selfinjury.com
———
From me:
Now, I used to be a cutter. I’m not anymore. I found other ways to finally get through my own personal hells.
All the cutters I’ve known in my life rarely did it to seek attention. And they rarely tried to kill themselves. I didn’t. I never cut for attention. Most cutters do not cut their wrists. They cut their arms (inside and back), they cut their upper arm, they cut their legs … they cut, usually, where people will not see the scars. Why? Because they’ve had enough judgment in their lives that they do not need, or want, anymore; they hide the scars so people won’t know what they do, or have done.
Cutting is not a recent thing, and it didn’t start with the advent of “Emo”. I was 16 when I first cut myself. “Emo” wasn’t really known back then. I’D never heard of it. I don’t consider myself Emo. I didn’t do it for attention. I didn’t do it so people would look at me with pity in their eyes and say, “Are you okay? Why did you do that?” I did so as a release. I hid my scars.
When most cutters cut, they do so for a release. They do so because it’s almost as if they’re letting their inner demons free; watching the pain, the sorrow, the negative emotion drift away with each trickle of blood or new wound. They rarely cut deep, and they rarely cut a place where they will bleed to death. They cut, not for ridicule, not for judgment, not for attention … they cut because of ridicule, because of judgment … because it’s the only way they know how to cope at that point in their life.
Some stop cutting - I did. Some don’t, because they can’t. They don’t know how.
To those who have decided that anyone and everyone who cuts is either selfish, stupid, attention-seeking, or childish … You really need to take a step outside of your own little shell and see the real world for what it is. You need to know what it’s like to actually be a human being. You judge those who cut, or have cut. You complain about them. You talk as if you’re above everyone, and your lives are better than anyone. Of course you have no problems, you’re perfect. You may even say, “I’m not perfect”, but you think you are, or you would not judge those who have problems.
Not everyone can cope the same way as those of you who feel the need to throw curses and hateful remarks our way. Life is not as easy as you’d like to make it seems, yet we are still here, we do live, and we live by the best way we know how.
You say, “I’d never cut, because that’s stupid.” Maybe for you. But for your next door neighbor, maybe it’s not as simple as saying that.
You say, “Even if I was in their shoes, or had their life, I’d never cut.” How do you know? You’re not living THEIR life. You’re living yours. Until you literally switch places, lives, emotions, and mentalities with a cutter, you will never know what you would and would not do.
You’re not better than those who cut … You’re Just Different. You’ve found healthier ways to pull yourselves out of whatever your own Personal Hells were. Not every cutter can be as lucky as you.
If you want to flame me, go right ahead. If you want to flame other cutters, go right ahead. But know this: You are not better than those of us who cut, and have cut. You are not more special. You judge because you’re unhappy, because you’re insecure, and because you’re insensitive. If you were honestly that happy, that perfect, and that secure in your lives … you’d keep your mouth shut and not try to step all over those who are different from you. In fact, if you were as wonderful as you all claim, if your lives were so amazing, and you were so wonderfully perfect, and everything came as easy for you as you say it does, you wouldn’t be as full of the ignorance as you are. You’d at least try to understand why cutters do what they do before jumping on the bandwagon of “HEY YOU SUCK!”
For those of you who used to cut, but no longer do: Good for you.
For those of you who STILL cut: There is hope. You can get better.
I have a hard time trusting, or even respecting someone, who never reads. Someone who absolutely refuses to ever pick up a book and read it … I am uncomfortable around people like that. Because it’s the epitome of laziness and ignorance, in my opinion. And I don’t wanna hear “But I never have TIME to read!” Bullshit. You MAKE time. You’re only on this planet for a short time, anyway … make use of it.
This very short rant was brought to you by me.
A phrase I’m seeing all over peoples' profiles on the internet that is really beginning to piss me off: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
This phrase is a steaming pile of horseshit. Why? Because some people can NOT be handled at their worst, because their worst is deeply horrifying. True, it probably started out with the intention of meaning, “Don’t walk out on me just because I’m having a bad day,” but that is NOT what it’s come to mean. From what I’ve been seeing, it means, “I’m a horrible person and a complete twat, and I know that, but I’m going to use this phrase to excuse my shitty behavior and label YOU as an ‘asshole’ if you leave.”
This is beyond selfish, and beyond ridiculous.
Want to know what one of my exes was like at her “worst”? Beating on me, every fucking day, when she was in a bad mood.
And don’t give me, “Well, that phrase isn’t meant to be taken literally. It’s a metaphor.” Bullshit. Some phrases are constantly repeated because people want them to be taken literally. This is one of them.
I have no problem dealing with someone if their “worst” consists of being a bit bitchy, being crabby, being a bit standoffish, being depressed, being snappy, even being angry. But don’t expect me to “handle” you if your worst consists of being violent and downright mean to everyone you claim to care about when you’re having a bad day, mentally and emotionally abusing people when you’re in a bad mood, being violently destructive because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, etc. - because if that’s your worst, your best isn’t going to be much better.
This brings me to another phrase people constantly use with one another: “Promise me that you’ll never hurt me.” This is one of the most unreasonable requests to place upon someone. If you plan on getting into a relationship (even a friendship) with someone, you are going to get hurt eventually. It’s a fact of life. Now, granted, if it’s a good relationship, it won’t be intentional hurt - but it will still happen. And, when it does, the promise has been broken. Because that’s not a promise anyone can ever keep. It’s a promise borne out of unreal expectations - that of believing that if someone truly cares about you, they should never hurt you, ever. So, what happens if, say, you are your SO happen to get into a minor argument about money? “No, honey, I don’t think that’s a good idea, because we need to pay this bill before it’s late.” Well, just by your SO saying that, you will feel hurt. Because s/he disagreed with you, and believed that something different should be done, than what you suggested. When people start using the “Promise me you’ll never hurt me” phrase, what they’re usually meaning is, “Promise me you won’t walk out on me before I have a chance to do it to you.”
These phrases are not smart phrases to keep repeating. Because, ultimately, they’re amazingly selfish, and amazingly unrealistic.
One of the best things I ever heard in my life? When someone said, “Promise to love me as long as you’re able.”
