So once again I don't know why I'm writing to the world of blogging. Which is really just a disgusting angst of being listened to I believe. Truly, I just want to vent. And I don't want to bother anyone specific, so I'll type type away.
At this point in my life I have made this quite blatant decision to not have a relationship with anyone. Too much going on, too many places to go, too many people to see and meet. I like to continually be on the move and enjoy life. But, truly, I guess the question is, will a "significant other" truly hold one back from that? Or am I just torn and hurt and untrustworthy? hmph.
Secondly, I have yet to feel like I've learned a thing, academically, at Potsdam. I've been at college, and of course have learned through life -- but you never really stop doing that. As in schooling, I have yet to learn a fucking thing. I've had teachers upset with me and I think the only reason is because I have more experience teaching than they do and they don't know how to handle me. Many of my friends and peers in this degree haven't had any experience past babysitting. I wish I could just skip the bs I've learned already through life experience and get somewhere. It feels like wasted time.
Lastly, I'm graduating in a year. And this whole "settling down" thing is fucking with me. I don't think I was made to "settle down". I have many different problems with marriage (and in some way or another I almost wish for the fairy tale man to sweep me off my feet and show me all will be well.. but when will that ever fucking happen). Actually, it's kind of odd how against marriage I am..being how much family and family ties mean to me. And the fact that I want kids, handfuls of them. My own, and foster. How am I supposed to do that without a husband? Who knows. I think the real problem here is I worry too much about the future..and if I'll ever really reach all my goals. I have too many to worry about and need to learn how to live on a day to day basis.... not to say I don't though, either. I live life day by day and love life day by day. I have no problem dropping what I'm doing for something else and living and loving. I think that's really the problem though - with "settling down" staring me in the face as it is. I have to make a choice as to where I want to live etc etc.
Argh, fuck it. These are all questions that won't be answered until they happen, so why do I even ask.
