Skoobz fuMarried to Lucky's blog: "Random Thoughts"

Just a quick note, I am taking a little time off, well not completely, just stopping in here and there to check on things...dealing with a lot of depression lately and I didnt want to bring any of it to you guys, so Im mostly keeping to myself, but I wanted to let everyone know Im fine, and when things calm down for me I will be back, I just need to get my head together. Much love my friends!

First of all, I think Im going to lose my job, taking a personal day today. Anyway, I wanted everyone to know that I am taking the day off completely, Im not going to be talking to anyone. I had some very disturbing information brought to light involving my childhood and I need time to myself. I will talk to everyone tomorrow. Much love!

I got a phone call this morning from my brother, the most disturbing thing I have heard in the last few weeks, concerning my mother. Some of you know she has been less than a parenting figure to me. This kind of goes along those lines. My brother has a daughter. My niece, the most beautiful innocent girl I know, lives with her maternal grandmother. She has since she was 3. Anyone who ever met my niece fell in love with her right away, shes independant and funny and she loves so deeply and wholeheartedly. Anyway, my niece is allergic to cats. My mother has cats. I dont know how many, and I dont really care. Anyway my nieces grandmother told my mother if she ever wanted my niece to come over to her house again, she had to get rid of the cats. My outstandingly selfish cunt of a mother chose her cats. I cant even say anymore about it, Im stuck between crying inside for my niece, and hating my mother. I just had to get that out.

Its taken two months and ten days but someone finally pissed me off enough to block them. As Whoppie Goldberg said in Girl Interuppted, "I can take a lot of crazy shit from a lot of crazy people". Somehow I thought Id feel better knowing this person cant come to my profile or comment in my mumms or anything but strangely I feel worse. I wonder if its supposed to feel this way. I always said I wouldnt block anyone for having an opinion, and I havent. But I guess I do have a point that I can be pushed too far. I didnt know I had that. I always assumed, since I survived my ex husband trying to kill me five times, and I survived being pushed down a flight of 18 stairs by an ex boyfriend, I could handle anything anyone had to give me. Have I rambled enough for you people yet? :P

Im aware Im a grown up now and I shouldnt have to explain shit to anyone, but every so often one too many people will say some insensitive shit to me or about me, and its usually directed at my weight. So to clear this shit up once and for all!!! Throughout my childhood up to the age of 19 I was a LOT thinner than I am now. Not super model thin, but I wore a size 14, nothin too horrible. I had a doctor tell me I had thyroid issues and put me on synthetic thyroid supplements or some shit, because I used to think, if a doctor gives it to me, I must NEED it, so I took them for a few months. At first there was no change. When I hit 20, I had gained almost 150 pounds due to the pills. A HUNDRED AND FIFTY!! Turned out I didnt NEED them and they totally fucked with me. I changed doctors after that and the new doctor took me off the pills and did a battery of new tests that hadnt been run before. He found out that I had a knee condition called sliding patella syndrome, and it was gradually going to get worse and worse until I couldnt walk anymore and he took me completely off ANY strenuous walking, running, standing, anything that would make my knee deterioration accelerate. As a result I gained mroe weight. I DO NOT SIT AT HOME AND EAT TWINKIES ALL DAY, I DO NOT LICK THE ICING OFF OF LITTLE DEBBIE WRAPPERS AND I DO NOT EAT ALL MY MEALS AT A BUFFET!!! I have one small meal a day, and one small snack. But because I cant exercise the small amount of food back off, I cant lose any of the weight I have. So to all the insensitive assholes who thinks its fun to poke fun at fat people, THINK BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS!!!!

I was up half the night thinking about a mumm from yesterday. I dont usually keep thinking about online stuff after Ive turned off my computer but this one made me think. I dont feel like going to get the link so I will paraphrase. It basically asked if life was overrated, and I did answer. Oh fuck it Ill go get my response I dont wanna misquote myself. LOL! My first comment: 2007-06-20 19:51:40 #12 of 33 Personally, I think MY life is overrated. Some people have LOTS of good things in their lives. Family, friends, etc. For thos epeople, life is great. If you lived one day in my shoes, you would understand. My second comment: 2007-06-20 20:02:57 #30 of 33 For the record, I dont suffer from depression or anything of that nature, and I dont plan on going out and killing myself or anyone else just because my life is shit. And as I said *MY* life is over rated. Also, I think that the comment in the other mumm was meant as a smartass answer, or something that resembles smartass. Just so you all know. ----------------------------- So I spent all night thinking of ONE thing I have to want to live for, and I honestly cant think of anything. NO I AM NOT SAYING I WILL GO OUT AND KILL MYSELF!! AND NO I DONT WANT AND/OR NEED PITY PEOPLE! Im just syain. If someone held a gun to my head and said they were going to kill me unless I gave them a good reason not to, I probably wouldnt be able to give them one. My family has chosen to turn their backs on me, I dont really have any close friends outside of the internet. And people always tell me, "Your life is shit based on your life choices". No its NOT. I didnt say or do ANYTHING to make my family turn away from me, thats THEIR life choice. I dont keep myself from having friends, people dont talk to strangers much anymore. I have no job (yeah MAYBE that was a choice of my own, but it was based on COMPLETELY misleading information). Anyway it just makes me sad to realize that there is NOTHING keeping me on earth if given the choice to leave it. And I REALLY HOPE that NONE of my CT friends have to go through life the way I do. I wish for ALL OF YOU to have long and happy lives filled with people who love you. I dont know how to end this so Ill just say bye. :D

Fair warning. This is more than likely just gonna ramble on, and no I dont plan on spellchecking it. Its been a week and two days since I was supposed to move. Im running out of food, and toilet paper (ACK!!) and no matter how many hours I spend pounding the pavement so to speak, I cant get anywhere. Its not that I dont have good references I know that much, but somehow, Im either not qualified for any job Ive gone to (which is bullshit, because I know McDonalds doesnt HAVE qualifications lol) or I dont have good personal references or something, I dont know which, all I know is I still dont have a job and Im starting to get VERY worried. And Im sure my cable will be off this week. Which wouldnt bother me so much if I wasnt also going to lose my phone and internet. I mean as far as the cable itself, I can watch Fox and PBS and DVD's, Ive done it before. But I mean with no internet I have no way to entertain myself (LMAO!!) except to read the books I already read, or play solitaire, and without my house phone all Im gonna have is my PREPAID cell phone, which ironically, I cant put more money on with no job, and I need the phone to GET a job (a number to call me at obviously). Talk about your vicious circle. Its getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the mornings. I mean before, I had something to look forward to, even if it was a shit job, it was a job and it gave me a good reason to get up. Ive been doing to good emotionally, for the last few years. Ive felt better about myself, Ive WANTED to live....now I have nothing. I dont want to look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a failure. I dont want to get up, I have nothing to look forward to. Most days Id rather stop living altogether, if for nothing else than to break up the monotony. Id get drunk and forget about my problems if I could afford to drink! I think I have about 35 cents to my name. Cant get a flea drunk with 35 cents. How can I NOT give up on my life? I think about all the times I scratched the razor across my wrist, begging God for the strength to press harder. All the times Ive looked over the edge of the sixth story rooftop, all the times Ive looked at the bottles of toxic chemicals....I know its not "normal" but.... I cant help but wonder, is THIS gonna be it? Is THIS gonna be what pushes me to the edge? Id like to think Im much stronger than that. But lately Im having a hard time convincing myself.....

I need to post this as a public apology to my sister in law. I was greatly misinformed. I was led to believe it was because of my sister in law that I wasnt able to move. It was, in fact, my mother. In an act not unlike her past interactions with me, she lied to me and cast me aside yet again. I dont understand how a mother can act this way to her child. Her only daughter. I dont understand how someone can carry a child for 9 months, make the decision to give them life, and then cast them aside like garbage. I dont understand how a mother, someone who is supposed to develop instincts to care for their child no matter what, to protect and love that child unconditionally, how can a mother, put her own wants before her childs needs? Nop matter how old the child, isnt the instinct still there? Why doesnt my mother have that instinct when it comes to me? Why does she only have that instinct when it comes to my brother and other peoples children?

I get a call yesterday. Seems the money for my sister in law to drive to Maine and move me to PA is gone. So guess who isnt moving. Heres how it affects me: I have resigned my job. So no income. My cable is set to be turned off soon, so no internet and no phone. I had to spend every penny of my savings to pay off my back rent and electric bill. So now Im stuck in an apartment I dont like, in a state I dont like, and theres pretty much nothin I can do about it. Im states away from my family, whom I havent seen in five years. Ive never felt so stuck in my life. But it doesnt bother me. Im not even one iota upset. Never cried about it, didnt get pissed off, didnt flip out. I dont get it. By rights I should be super pissed off. I should have gotten drunk last night, threw up in my shoe, and punched my fist threw a wall. I feel.....nothing.

For the next few weeks I will be on and off a lot. I know, its sad, but for a good reason. :D I move on the 10th, and between doing all the work I need to get done to be able to leave my job, and packing, settling my new apartment, looking for a new job, etc, I havent had much time to be on this past week. And Ive missed all my friends. :( Fear not dear friends, I will be back and it'll be like I never left. :D I hope that I get a shitload of comments and ratings and gifts and what not or I will have to cry, and fat bitches cryin is a sad sight. So dont make me cry. :D