Tuere's blog: "Random Musings"

What do you do when you have to let go of what makes you happy when it also makes you cry?

It is possible that one thing can bring you to the heights of pleasure can be the same thing that plunges you into the depths of despair.

I should be used to this, it seems to happen every few months.  I find someone who is everything that I could dream of, everything I could ever want.  But.  There is always a but. 

But the distance is too great, But I am not really ready, But I am only looking for a good time.  But, But But. 

So I will let another go, because he isn’t really mine to begin with, let him go to those that make him happy and sit back and ask again:

“Why am I never enough?”

I was one of the lucky ones.  I didn’t lose anyone in the attacks of 09-11-01.

Has it really been 8 years since that day?

Lots of people remember where they were when this happened, I mean how could they not?!

It was strange for me because I was 3500 miles away from my home on business and did everything go into a tailspin.

I live less then an hour’s train ride from NYC.  At the time I was working for an international airline.  A week or so before the event I flew to London for training that my job gives every year – 2 weeks.

I had just spent a great weekend with my sister and her friend who came to London with her Mom to see me on my time off.  There is nothing like treating a 15 year old and friend to a flight overseas to put you in the cool group.  After getting all to London Heathrow Airport to fly home, I got back into a training mind set. 

Being 5 hours ahead of New York, the news came in at lunchtime in London.  There were people standing around TV’s all over the office.  At first I thought there were meetings going on as it is not unusual for marketing to show new product and commercials.  What was unusual was someone running up to me and saying the air ticketing manager needed to speak to me immediately. 

It turned out that all Americans in the building were being informed of the events as they happened.  In the beginning it wasn’t much more then rumor and speculation so we tried to find out things online.  Huge issue with finding out things online when the towers fell, the radio antenna for many of the news outlets in NYC was at the top of the Trade Center.

No News from New York and more frightening, no calls were getting through to the US at all.  We couldn’t talk to anyone in the US headquarters by phone at all.  We also knew there were Sales meetings scheduled in the Towers so to say Upper Management was in a tizzy is quite an understatement.

I would say not knowing how I was getting home, when I was getting home and not being able to contact my family to see if everything was ok was the worst for me.  But I knew there were others with more pronounced fears and legitimate ones.

For the next 3 sleepless nights I watched the international news trying to get as much nfo as possible.  Every morning waiting to hear if US airspace opened up to hopefully get a flight home.  When the announcement came in that Canadian airspace opened, all Americans they could book to Toronto were on that flight.  We had exactly 2 hours to get from the office back to the hotel checked out and to the airport before the plane departed (not boarded mind you – departed).  In this case working for an airline helped because car pools were set up to get us home from Toronto.  I got home on Saturday morning at 6 am.  Called all my family to let them know I was in, called my babysitter to have her care for my then 8 year old boy for one more day, and went to work to pitch in and help get stranded passengers home.

My story is nothing compared to those who lost family members and friends in those days.  My heart goes out to all those babies born without knowing the parent that died in the accidents.  They are 8 years old now, in elementary school.

So much time has past.

And yet it still seems like yesterday.

Never forget.

Confidence....

it's amazing how quickly it can be shattered.  How riding high on life one minute can change into a crash the next.

Self Esteem...

how can you feel like the most beautiful and loved person in the world one day... to seeing how rejected you really were the next.

I guess you can sense there is a thread of commonality to my statements (yeah I almost sounded smart there!)

So now I need to ask myself, is my confidence and self esteem tied to what others do and think of me?  Why would I allow that to happen?

Why is it so simple to let someone else tear you down, and they don't realize they are even doing it?

Is it easier to wallow or sit up, get up and move on?

I think I am standing at a crossroads yet again.....

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What do you do when your world seems tilted?

Wake up every morning and things seem to be off.  Not in an overt way but just slightly off.

Go about your day in the normal way, but always in the back of your mind you know something is ….off, wrong.

You really don’t have the time to stop and think about it, but it’s there lurking.

The days go on, the feeling grows, the world tilts more but you push it back because you don’t have time to deal with it and everything else.

You don’t realize it will threaten to overwhelm you because you just push it behind you.

But one night, when you are vulnerable, It hits hard, like a smack by a two by four.  It seemed like it came out of no where, but it was always there, lurking.

You can almost hear snickers as it retreats back to sit and wait for another perfect time.

So what is it?

Special education and public funds.

yes I know it's a dry subject, but it's just another thing i have to think about now.

What to do when you know that your child is not getting all of his needs met in his current schooling enviornment?  The push to "mainstream" all special education students 80% of the time is a blanket goal which doesn't work.

All children learn a bit differently, now add any type of Learning disability or special need, it compounds the issue.

Please explain to me how a school or institution can label a child learning disabled but not tell the most effective way to teach the child.  Then decide that it's still good to mainstream them as long as they get extra help.

GREAT!  now what about his social development, where are the helpers for that?  who's helping him navigate the halls?  You said his thought process is that of a child 4 to 5 years younger.  It makes TOTAL sense to feed him to the high school wolves doesn't it?

And when it's mentioned that maybe a school with 2000 children isn't the best place for him.  Why aren't there dozens of suggestions to place him in a place that is for special needs?

Public funds.  The funds must move with my child.  so the $5,000 a year they supposedly spend on him has to be put in such a way that it deemed justified.

Again great, who makes this determination?

The Board of Ed? well they are cutting teachers, bus staff and special education assistants, why would they want the money to move out of thier hands?

Wait two weeeks for a mere suggestion of what the school has come up with.  Not a word, a sound, or a murmur.

But it's good to know they thinks I am raising a great kid....woo hoo!

I'm not sarcastic much....right. 

Obviously opposites and in life they seem to go hand in hand.  They create a rollercoaster ride of emotion that doesn’t seem to ever stop.

The ecstasy of what you think is real joy and togetherness.  Perceived comfort of warm arms and murmured phrases of love and devotion in a cocoon of your making.  Those Rose colored glasses making everything brighter and happier.

Staring to share things of import and nothing at the same time.  Thinking that you are building something solid, firm and lasting with each breath, sigh, word, action and deed.

The Agony of feeling embarrassed and shamed when you find it meant nothing, The hurt that wells up with each half truth and dodge of questions.

The confusion of how anyone could be so cruel to hurt you when you have done not a thing wrong to them.

A new reality that feels eerily similar to one you have left.

So the question I pose –

Do you continue to seek the ecstasy when most likely the agony is just around the corner ready to rear its head?