FAN Make Me Be Good's blog: "Random Jokes"

created on 06/17/2008 | http://fubar.com/random-jokes/b224148

posted on 07/29/2011&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;08:07&nbs-07:00;pm

The Boaz Advice : ...hehehe :)
http://fubar.com/the-boaz-advice-hehehe/b224148-1156381

For all you singles who are in such a hurry 2 find someone, here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz...and especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please, wait on your Boaz & make sure he respects Yoaz

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posted on 05/18/2010&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;02:05&nbs-07:00;am

The 3 Priests :
http://fubar.com/the-3-priests/b224148-1114717

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled. "Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you." They took the bus.

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posted on 05/18/2010&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;02:05&nbs-07:00;am

Execution Style :)
http://fubar.com/execution-style/b224148-1114716

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

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posted on 07/26/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;09:07&nbs-07:00;pm

The Priest & Nun
http://fubar.com/the-priest-nun/b224148-1048833

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Fathe r, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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posted on 07/26/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;09:07&nbs-07:00;pm

Frozen Bird
http://fubar.com/frozen-bird/b224148-1048832

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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posted on 07/26/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;09:07&nbs-07:00;pm

Turkey & The Tree
http://fubar.com/turkey-the-tree/b224148-1048831

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

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posted on 06/17/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;05:06&nbs-07:00;pm

FALLING OFF THE WAGON
http://fubar.com/falling-off-the-wagon/b224148-815029

FALLING OFF THE WAGON Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a Southern Baptist preacher was making his weary way home. As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation. "Oh no," said the preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself." Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree. Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preacher's car. Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury. When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled, "Who the hell are you?" The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that." "My God preacher, that you?" "Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk." "You OK preacher?" "Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me." "You better let him ride with me. Way you drive, you gonna kill him."

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posted on 06/17/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;05:06&nbs-07:00;pm

PUDDLES
http://fubar.com/puddles/b224148-815025

PUDDLES This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" he says to the first duck. "Huey," said the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my damn day."

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posted on 06/17/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;05:06&nbs-07:00;pm

THE BUFFET...OMG LOL
http://fubar.com/the-buffet-omg-lol/b224148-815023

THE BUFFET Every afternoon after work, a group of local guys would meet at the neighborhood bar for a little pool and a few beers. Undoubtedly, somehow the subject always came up about which guy had the longest penis. Day in and day out the bartender overheard these braggarts and frankly it got a little boring. One day, the bartender had heard the same old exaggerations once too many and he said, "All right, enough of this bullshit. I want each and every one of you to stand up here at the bar and I'm going to personally measure each of you and just MAYBE we can put a stop to all this crap." Well, they all gathered around the bar, unzipped and laid it out there to be measured. Just then, the door opens and in the blast of sunlight stands a gay guy. The bartender looks up and says, "Can I help you?" The gay man takes a look at the line-up and says, "Well, I was going to get a cocktail, but I think I'll just have the buffet."

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posted on 06/17/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;05:06&nbs-07:00;pm

6 DOUBLE VODKA'S
http://fubar.com/6-double-vodka-s/b224148-815021

6 DOUBLE VODKA'S This guy does into a bar and says, "Hey barman, give me 6 double vodka's!" The barman lines them up on the bar and goes, "Man, you must've had one hell of a day!" The guy says, "Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay." Next day, the same guy comes into the same bar and orders the same drinks. The same barman is there and goes, "Now what?" The guy goes, "I just found out my younger brother is gay, too." Next day, same guy, same bar, same drinks. The barman goes,"Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man replies, "Yeah, my wife!"

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