FAN Make Me Be Good's blog: "Random Jokes"

THE BEER PRAYER Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is The beer, The bitter and The lager. Barmen.

WATER INTO WINE The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!" The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired." The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say was in this bottle? The driver answers, "Water!" The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!" The driver looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, you have done it again!"

TURNING TRICKS It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself. The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper." The judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested." This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation. The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker." Refreshed at her honesty, the judge laughed and said, "How's business?" She sneered and replied, "Terrible judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."

THE PRIZE A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?" "Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

SECRET An office manager walked into a tavern after work and instantly realized it was a gay bar. What the heck, he figured, I really want a drink. The waiter walked over. "What's the name of your penis?" he asked. "Look," the guy said, "I'm not into all that. All I want is a drink." "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis," the waiter insisted. "Oh, OK," the customer reluctantly agreed. "But tell me the name of yours first." "Nike," he responded. "You know, like, 'Just do it' " The customer thought for a moment. "The name of mine," he said, "is Secret." "Secret?" "Yeah, like, 'Strong enough for a man but made for a woman.' "

NOT SURE OF... You're not sure of: THE DOCTOR because he says, "Take off your clothes." THE DENTIST because he says, "Open wide." THE HAIRDRESSER because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" THE MILKMAN because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?" THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it." THE STOCK BROKER because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again." THE BANKER because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." THE HUNTER because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots. THE BELL ATLANTIC GUY because he says, "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?"

HERE KITTY, KITTY Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

ROLLING THE DICE It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

CAROUSING Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want." Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests." Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else." In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this." Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you." Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music." Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and you will be absolved of your sin." A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees." "WHAT?!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??" Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE KINKY WHEN... - You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other pornography. - You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage wasn't. - Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that's an acceptable risk. - You read Andrea Dworkin for the pornography. - You call people other than your Father "Daddy." - Reading the word spanking makes you blush. - Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying. - You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats. - Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom. - Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore. - You own and use handcuffs, but aren't employed in law enforcement. - Your contracts involve punishments, but no money. - Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom. - You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!" - Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to. - You give a new song a rating of 65. It's got a good beat and you can squirm to it. - You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory. - You always smell like Yankee Candle's Scent-Of-The-Month. - Canning season gets you *really* excited. - You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor guy needs a PERSON to cane. - Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a horse. - You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws. - Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about. - Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like "Exit to Eden" than anything they showed on TV. - They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at four local leather shops. - You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party. - Your son's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.