Ok that's it! I am declaring myself incapable of dating anyone I choose for myself! So pay close attention all of you handsome devils...I don't want any part of you beyond laughter. You flirt, compliment me, say something naughty. I will be polite, I will laugh back..but in my head I will be thinking about anything but your handsomeness or your wicked ways. I am not angry. I am exhausted, and feeling very BLAH!
If you gave me a room filled with 100 men. 95 of them decent hard working honest men, completely capable of having a healthy relationship, and 5 men who are incabable of having any type of healthy relationship due to any circumstance. Telling me to pick 5 men to get to know and see what comes of it...I'd pick the 5 who would never come to fruition. Why is that? I'm not stupid...but I feel stupid. I feel like a fool for bashing my head into the same wall at every turn.
I wish I could remember what it was like to believe blindly and love like there was no tomorrow. I wish I could go back to the woman I was just 9 years ago who didn't want for anything but to raise her children and provide the best life for them she could. I am still that woman...but somewhere there is this gaping hole(and don't be crude..my mind is worse than yours could be) in my world that keeps sucking me in..making me feel incomplete...because there is no man beside me when i wake.
Well fuck that nonsense. I obviously have shitty taste so I will be avoiding any intimacy like the plague. I may already care about you..I may be attracted to you..hell I might even love you. But it's not going to change how I feel at this very moment.
I care deeply..my heart knows no bounds where my friends are concerned. And my friends aren't fucking numbered by importance goddamn fucking fubar to hell for that shit. This is a site I come to because I am lonely and like to be social. I am awkward as fuck out in public alone..and scared something terrible might happen if I do go out alone. Yes I have reasons for that, but no I won't share them.
Basically I am just tired of having my head filled with dreams I can never achieve...feelings that can never be returned...and an overwhelming need to bitch slap someone for calling me BOOBIES!
I want to be happy. I want to laugh. I want to hug all of my friends who know this isn't a fucking attack. I'm a frayed goddamn fucking knot!
now..i'm getting drunk... :)
