jay's blog: "Poetry"

yet another, for all to enjoy..... “If Ever . . .” If ever I wanted to understand, this would be that time. For it would offer me resolve, when my heart is so torn in design. If ever I wished for different circumstances, this would be the moment. For deep within all that has happened, my mind is broken into fragments. If ever I wanted to have had more time, to visually apply my plans, this would be it. Since time has snuck up on me and doused my visual fire, without a blinking forfeit. If ever my beliefs were at their all time lowest, even non-existent, it is now. For searching within this soul of mine, has offered no solace for my vows. To be the best father, the best friend, the best helper, the best provider. I’ve fallen short here, my body weakens more and more, deficient in advisor. If ever I did not seek for more, then this has become my new goal. For within the sins inside this temple, lies a wrong, that takes all control. If ever I could fight myself over turmoil and guilt, this time has come to a close. Since now, the only fight I seem to win, is the battle of self expose. If ever I could turn back time, this would be the moment, when I would wish. So that I could put together the right pieces, not the wrong ones, so foolish. If ever I questioned every single purpose for life, now would prove the strongest. Since deep inside this heart so beaten, lies a pain that hibernated, for the longest. Twisted up, my mental stages wreak of death and the sensations it gives. For there is nothing in front of me right now, that consoles me, so life, I should live. If ever I did not understand why, then this is the most prominent gesture. Not coming to terms with myself or others, the unfairness of this lecture. If ever I questioned God, the universe, the world, our reasons for existing. Then this is by far the most powerful conundrum, with answers unavailable for whispering. If ever I get past this, though fearfully, that conclusion seems unattainable . . . Perhaps life could provide me some answers, at my time of departure, if available. If ever I can sedate myself, calm myself, redeem myself, though very doubtful. Then maybe I will be given resolve, from this tragic bleeding, about a heart-full. Since things we seem to squander, such as love, honor, cherish, respect for absence and plain listening . . . If ever we get the chance at redemption, we should carefully place them, as most important of things. If ever I wished to do it all over again, just to get it right this time, this would be my hope, since life has sacrificed my prime. If ever, since logically never, I see past the darkness that I see now, then and only then, will I feel this soul’s redemption, somehow.

“Call Me Paranoid” Call me paranoid, but I think the aliens are here. There’s no way, humans could commit the crimes, of which I hear. Children being raped in our churches and schools. Mothers being murdered, by boyfriends acting the fool. Families being run down, by drunken drivers, with no remorse. Claiming their medication, forced them to drive off course. Grandmothers being slain, while combing their hair, at home. By a grandchild claiming her a leader, of a cult, unknown. Call me paranoid, but I think the end of our world is near. Sitting around waiting for our turn, to smell death’s fear. It must be the end, with so much damage and destruction. People losing their lives, over misunderstandings, without function. Natural catastrophes, tearing away homes with bitter ease. Victims left wondering, where they will live, where they will sleep. Countries in turmoil, over presidential overthrows and such. Having many in charge, whom actually do not know much. Call me paranoid, but I think the signs are painfully clear. The world is hitting back, with emotional tantrums and explosive tears. As the waters cause mud slides, disconnection of lands, strange geographical shifts. Ice caps melting slowly, global warming, offering a cancer causing kiss. Storms uprooting trees, winds tearing through villages. Haven’t you heard of this? Quite the commotion seems to be brewing, yet understanding is dismissed. For where do we look for answers, these times even baffle scientists. God’s fury is often upon us and yet we chuckle and theories resist. Call me paranoid, but I think I’ll get down on my knees and revere. Our Lord, beautiful mother earth, mother nature and anything else that appears . . . To need my prayers and understanding, through words of praise. For I see many things happening, for which I have nothing short of amaze. Wondering how long we’ll hold out, seeing many days, as our last. Not that I’m a pessimist, but too much is going wrong, too fast. Perhaps when the end is very near, all will come to understand, why this fate. Perhaps when that moment comes, for many, it may be too late. Call me paranoid, but . . .

Perhaps all was well yester morning as I woke. Yet now that has changed, my anger has been provoked. As I wonder too often over my painful loss. Where one must go, for resolve often lost. I look in the eyes of friends, yet nothing. I look in the eyes of family, yes, something. Yet not enough to give me inner satisfaction. Turning at night, sleepless with inner reaction. Tell me then of this Lord's bigger purpose. Where we all have a reason, for living out, although a surplus. For when we leave, many tend to forget. How beautiful we were, the meanings we represent. Yet here we are, within one of life's twists. As I frustrate myself, searching, for what does not exist. A reason why I now face this wicked loss within my strife. Though many may die everyday, this was part of my life. Don't understand, perhaps I never, ever will. So I just put down these thoughts, in hopes of emotional spills.