Jess Engaged to Vagitarian my first love's blog: "Poetry"

So it's my only day off til next sunday and I'm sitting here doing ABSOLUTELY 100% NOTHING. It's incredible...and I've actually caught a lot of shit for it today...and I almost felt bad till I read my horoscope for the day....

This is what I have actually been doing all day!

I tried to smile for them... they still brought me another pill... wouldn't take the needles away or the pillows off the walls They told me I was crazy I learned that white jackets aren't easy to chew through... a closed casket rolls away a life i loved cherished and depended on there's an emptiness and still i cry but let me smile for you please try to force me to feel you'll never get the light back in my eyes a broken soul trapped inside a shattered chalice there's nothing left to save ~Jess

There's days my smiles faded I can't see straight through my eyes I don't want to see the colors or the sparkle in your life I just want to drift away fall apart from this place and time forget all the memories take back all my time my life is scattered across the board lying broken on the floor each time I get the puzzle started you're like a hard wind all the pieces are gone again there's shards I will never recover pieces of my soul are lost how long will I be learning how to smile? I can't even understand the basics show me what should make me happy chastise me when I'm wrong barred and locked in the corner scarred and lonely once again ~Jess

Ok I wrote this while on the phone a few minutes ago....so be nice....multitasking. There's a whisper on the wind hear it? another voice is silenced remember it's wisdom? A Child screams save her? Is it worth it... the lies hiding your disease trapped in failure wrapped in guilt hidden high up on a shelf a fragile soul afraid to come down to melt away like broken cob webs spun of distrust and hurt abandoned to become a forgotten memory. ~Jess

Forgive me father for I have sinned every day I find another way to not let you in Is there any other way to fall asleep at night other then bitter tears and fights? I turn out the lights and pray that it'll all just be a dream someones says their's a light maybe someday I'll catch a gleam I kick and I scream but I don't want a fight why can't you just leave me right here I only wanna sink into your floor. become a piece of the routine a crazy mixed up life swirling with hate I can't stand seeing your face It makes me want to rip out your heart is that bad? is it angry? Do I deserve what they say? Would it be better just to pop all these pills and whisper good night let the world drift away and leave me behind...? I'm tired of fighting the fear why can't it all just disappear? A fucked up dream whisked away by the light. ~Jess

If silence is deadly you're killin me here all I want is to scream to shatter the fears my anger is building caressing my soul HELLO Do you get it? really it hurts. I hate feeling like I'm ready to burst. I have tried and tried to get it into your head I'm tired of trying I'm already dead ~Jess

This morn an innocent life was taken with no fear she fell fast into a sleeping death leaving only thoughts of what the life might have been. This afternoon the father became a victim of death while the plane fell he prayed for his still born child Leaving only the mother to mourn. This evening the mother took one last look at life raised her gun and cried her last tear Leaving only the memories of what was once happiness. I wrote this along time ago...but I really like it. ~Jess

Life through a demented window, what my world has become. I see it all through smeared glass, there's a bustle of activity...all the movement an oddity to my senses. A trickle of light here and there only to be banished moments later by the chaos. What is that lies just out of reach? What is that I can't make out? A puzzle in the corner holds the secrets, pieces lie scattered across the floor. Pieces of dreams, hopes, ambition, and self...pieces that are getting smaller, drifting away with the breeze. Pieces I will never recover from their lost recesses. I just see it different then you do, I see the reality, I see the truth, I choose to see what's actually there, not the facade that we are always putting on for one another. I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!!! Can't you hear me screaming!?! Stone faces still walking by...no notice given. I cry...I cut...I heal. A vicious cycle of mutilation that keeps me focused. What else is there to concentrate on? All we see is the evil, the nasty, our news is full of the horrible. I would never want the world to suffer with me, why should we tell them that a 5-year-old little girl was killed playing on the playground when the flag poll toppled over. What is possibly useful about that information? We all have our demented little window, we see through it into a world of falsehoods and lies. We see what we want to see, we make of it what we want, and we move on. Competeing in an endless, senseless, self-made race. Is there a purpose? A task? An answer to all the questions? Or are we all merely exsisting? Clawing, Ripping, Biting, Lying our ways to the top of something that is obsolete? Can you tell me? Can you be my anchor in the darkness?

THE INSIDE The things I do I do for me The pain the humuliation the depression I put you down and it makes me grow stronger I make you cower and it feeds the fire burning my good soul and mind I withdrawl into my little world and you think I'm crazy but I think you're narrow minded so I dive deeper into my abyss of insanity I humuliate you more just to increase the gravity forcing me to lifes little edge the one I balance as I laugh in the face of death So continue to feed the fire continue to make me dance with the flames and one day I'll no longer live for you to torment then you'll know the sweet pain of balancing on deaths edge CHAOTIC REVOLUTION Dodging gods watchful eyes the stars hide your dieses entrapped in failure wrapped in guilt hidden high up on a shelf a demented little soul lingers without hope forgetting a past that makes no difference erasing a future that's priceless encased in a stone heart prisioned by a dead-beat father the chaos surrounds a life no useless the revolution continues with each passing day hand in hand as we play with our demon-dead friends and court the devil