Crissy's blog: "Poems"

Somewhere along the way, I built a box. It allows no one in and won’t let me out. How did this box come to be? Why did I build a box around me? Where the box came from, I do not know. Why I built it, I know not. When did the box come to be? I don’t remember building it around me. I look back and think, remembering my life. It wasn’t always there. So why is it now? What made it be? Inside my box, I am all alone. I sit and I watch others do more than survive. I watch others as they enjoy life. They are happy. Why? Why am I the only one inside a box? What’s so different between them and me? As I sit there pondering, why me, They’re enjoying life contentedly. Is that why they’re smiling? Because they’re not alone. Am I destined to always be, Inside the box wondering why me? Will I be in my box forever alone? With no one entering my little home. Or is there a way to knock down the walls Destroying my box letting me live on? Smiling and happy once again I will be. No more sitting alone in the box for me. Help me open my eyes to see, How to destroy the box around me? Crissy ~November 29, 2008

You suck. You’re such a fucking loser. You don’t have shit in life, But yet, you’re still here. Why? A grown-ass woman, Single, living at home with her mom, Sharing a room with her sister, And working part-time. Fucking loser. You suck. You stupid bitch. Why don’t you just give up? Call it quits and end your life. You worthless piece of shit. All you are is a fucking liability. Make this world a better place. Life easier for all who have to see your fucking face. Kill yourself. You stupid fucking loser bitch. Why are you still here? Go on, do it! Crissy ~November 29, 2008~

I am awake. I cannot sleep. I lie here and my heart feels numb and weak. I wish you were here, near me, beside me, Holding me, cuddling me all while loving me. When I am with you, your presence near, The rest of the world does stand still. Worries and cares all disappear. Life is blissful when it's you and me, In our own lil' world where we flee. Hold me, caress me, show me you care. Till I fall asleep with the knowledge That in the morning, You'll still be here. Crissy September 13, 2007 Yes, it's short. No, it's not finished. It's a work in progress I guess. I dunno, the words where there so I wrote them, like always.

Dear Jerk, Why did you have to break my heart If you loved me like you said you did. You hugged me and walked away, I watched you get in your car. But too soon was I to know, It'd be the last time I'd see you. I love you, I miss you Why did you have to go? I'd been calling for about a week But you never returned my calls. You came over to see me, I said, "We need to talk." I asked if things felt different to you. You said, "No, why." I said, "maybe it's just me, I dont' know," and it got quiet. Why couldn't you just be a man And tell me how you felt. Instead of acting like a child, Ignoring me all the while. Never again did I hear from you Not even one returned call. You left without a trace And with you, took the keys to my heart. Never did I love anyone The way that I loved you. I don't know what I did wrong But I sure wish that I knew. Then again, let me think. I need to think this through. Maybe it wasn't me, Maybe it was you. Love, Crissy July 9, 2005

I hurt, I ache. I think of all, I cannot take. I cut myself. I feel the pain. I feel the blood pour out my veins. I have to feel it, feel the pain. It tells me it's real, I'm still living in hell. Hell...it is my life. I don't cut myself, To end my pain. But, to feel the pain of my life. I begin to cut, but I can't stop. Next thing I know, the beating stops. -Crissy- January 26, 2006 I wrote this for a friend of mine in a feable attempt to learn more about how he felt.

Life is a bad joke, Told by a cruel individual. You keep telling yourself it gets better. But the truth is, it only gets worse. The problems you deal with as a child, Are preparations for those you deal with as a teen. Those you deal with as a teen, Are preparing you for the life of an adult. You tell yourself it’ll get better it has to. But truth be known it’s just the beginning. It’s the beginning of an end. And it’s an end you’ll soon desire. Momma always said, “Life’s not fair And whoever told you it was, lied.” But she should’ve told me also, Life has no attainable desires. Why do we even try? It does no good. We can only get so far, for it sees all. It is a powerful thing with godly powers. And will never allow you to achieve your dreams you so desire. They say what doesn’t break you, Will make you stronger. But each time it tries, It takes a small piece of something deep inside. Then one day, you open your eyes to see. And find all that’s left, is one single piece. But it’s not done, that’s not enough. It comes back and leaves you with none. You find yourself empty instead of whole. It took all the pieces of your soul. The sad thing is, you really don’t care. Because your tired of the struggle to get nowhere. What do you do now? I will tell you, you wait. When finally it’s ready, your life it will take. They’ll say it was suicide, but you and I know the truth. It’s called the demon of life and it’s coming for you. Crissy March, 21 2005

You try so hard, and for what? Everything still seems to fall apart. No matter how much you plan or dream, Those dreams will never become a reality. No one knows what tomorrow may hold. But I know my dreams will never unfold. Life is not a fairy tale, No magic or princes and kings. Only the unreachable, Or so it seems. All of my hopes, dreams and wishes, Will remain just that and never change. With a false hope and a miserable reality, We continue to dream and think just maybe... When will we stop lying to ourselves And begin to face the truth? The fact is that my dreams will never be Anything more than an escape from reality. Crissy January 2005

When times are hard and at their worst When you feel as if you’re going to burst You feel as if things can only get worse You want to lay down and give in You have the desire to quit, let the struggle all end. You feel there is no end to your pain and strife. You want to take the easy way out and end your life. What do you do to win the fight? Between you and yourself, death and life? Nothing, until you decide to win the fight. For if you give up, you lose the fight. You will surely lose your life. So no matter how hard the struggle becomes, Keep up the fight, find the strength to go on. It will get better, somewhere down the road. You’ll find a way to lighten your load. The sun will rise, the sun will set. Don’t give up the struggle just yet. You’ll be a better person for you’ll have defeated the doubt. You’ll live to learn what life is all about. In the end it will all be worthwhile. You don’t believe me now but soon you shall. As has often been said, “This too will pass”. When it does you’ll find true happiness. The greatest of all gifts is love. To be loved you must first rise above, All of your negative thoughts on life. Love yourself and look towards the light. Crissy March, 8 2004

You go through life, Wondering what your future will be like. Who knows, What will come and go. Sometimes you wonder, What you want from life. Then there are other times, That you know. But like they say, You don't always get what you want. Although it's hard, You must go on. You don't always know what's best, But there's someone who does. Just hang in there, We all know life's tough. In the long run though, You get what you want. What you want just changes, To what you didn't need. It'll all work out, You just have to be strong and believe. -Crissy- April 98"