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I ask myself what happened to me im not the person i once was before so many questions so little answers i was the joking and messing around having fun guy but something changed so many thoughts going through my head the things i think about not being happy with myself and the things that i done and still do to this day. Hiding behind a mask of happiness but behind im just a person thats hurting inside i dont know what to do with myself should i just give and just forget everything idk anymore im not happy being the way i am now seems like the time has come for me to quit fu and all other sites and just let go. I have lost and gained friends but somehow i feel alone altho i am not something here seems to change me and i really dont like it. Then again maybe its my own fault for everything that is happening lack of sleep pain and soreness making my mind wonder where will i be and where shall i lay. The night calls and the shadows swarm my mind into complete darkness with no break of light am i destined to be in darkness forever or somehow find the light to life? To my love i love you baby you are my world and i know we have issues but we can handle them. Im not happy of the person ive became.
This is not a poem its more of what im thinking of. I look back in time and i remember the good and the bad things i done i know what happend in the past is done its behind you and you cant change it but dont you ever wonder that you will wake up and the next thing you know is that you are back to when you are little and know what the future will bring. For all the bad things i done in the past i wish i couldve done better. Ever since the passing of my grandmother who was like a second mother who took care of me since birth i havent been the same. My mind keeps going back in time to where i first thought of this dreadful day thinking about the day she passes what will i do? Well the thing i knew for sure was that i wouldnt be able to keep payments for my house i thought i was gunna be homeless. However thats not the case im actually living with the one i love and care alot about as well as she does for me. I have this lonliness in my mind on where im at i have nobody to turn to for support like my family who lives hundreds of miles away. I think about them alot especially my nephews and nieces who i love very much and i hardly get to see them cause of distance wise. I had my first christmas without my grandmother and family but my first with my new family same goes for this new years. I guess you could say im homesick i miss my friends who were always buttheads but thats what i like about em lol. Now the big move out of this state hits me hard for the fact that there is a good thing but also a bad thing. The good thing is i will start a new life in a new state with my new family but the bad is i will leave behind my friends and my family and be even more apart than what we already are. At times i wanna cry for no apparent reason and like today i mentioned something to my Love about my grandma and i started to get depressed and thinking about my grandma is part of the reason i stay up then my love got sick so i had to tend to her. I worrie about her alot more than myself and she knows that but she worries about me more than her. I am very happy with who im with and i wouldnt change it for the world cause of the fact she is my world and no matter what happends i know she will always be by my side and i can never ask for anything better and i thank god for her. Baby if your reading all of this i want you to know i love you very much and im very happy to be with you. This goes out to my family and friends i miss you all and one day well see eachother again love you guys. To my grandmother thats in heaven looking down at us i love you and miss you so much i still keep you in my heart and in my mind rest in peace.
Forever caged in sense of no point chains that bind me has now locked forever in darkness the red river flows from the bodies of the guilty sins forever enraged by the ones the hurt like a blade to the wrist feeling nothing but numbness and no pain am i alive or is my soul dead the only way to find out is if i walk on these hollowed grounds forever my soul is condemned to wonder this life time will i find peace or will i find him waiting for me to forever abind my soul its only life after death but who are we to judge what we do.
