RhiannonMari Pagan Family's blog: "Peering into a piece of me..."

Embers fall in the endless night Screams echo in the air A tear caresses her cheek. No sight to be seen but the burning sky Only the sounds of never-ending chaos. The girl is alone… Or so it seems. Picking up a shard of glass, she trembles within What else is there? She takes the shard firmly in her grasp, Bringing it to her skin, it slithers up her arm. The further up it went, the deeper it got. Droplets, like a thick red wine, begin to form Further and deeper up the arm, she goes, Till blood pours out like an awaiting flood. Hopeless and abandoned, she lays there Watching her body drain Feeling her spirit fading She looks at the shard, Glass now tainted with her blood… It doesn’t feel real Keep going, comes a voice Looking around, she sees no one there. And yet, as though compelled to, she begins again Down the other arm, blood seeps out. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? You are mine, now. No will to fight, No one to find you My darkness is your home, now It takes you into its embrace No worries now… … … it’s over. Her body lies lifeless All hope gone There is… nothing else. Rhiannon 2/28/07

Hidden Rage A self-inflicted wound… Both mental, physical, & emotional. Maybe I’m looking for attention, But who isn’t?! We all feel depressingly lonely at times, Some more often than others. Death is just another way out… But it’s not an option for me. I wanna be loved, But not too much. It’s just too scary… As everything is, was, & forever will be. I fear, yet I do not, And I’m Just Too Tired… Rhiannon 9/8/99

Enflamed Alone Fire… Burning orange & red… Like blood… Spitting into the air… I sit alone, hiding in a corner of insanity. Can’t you see me hiding there?! I suppose I’m invisible to all those who don’t know or care. I hide… not by choice, but by force. I wish to be seen… I wish to be heard… But I guess I have nothing of importance to say…… I wish to say goodbye today, But I’m too afraid to go on. I wish to spark, then fade away… But I just don’t feel that strong. Hello… Rhiannon 10-5, 6 & 11-99

Pretty Lies Pretty old lies, pretty old lies, Say the words I’ve heard a thousand times. Though my emotions run deep... And my temper is short… My mind will complain more than my voice. Past, present, and future meld into one now for me… I’m outwardly pathetic, And too lazy to be me! It’s exhausting being the one person you know the least. Try describing yourself to someone… When the answers are as clouded for you as those you’ve never met! Not an easy task, I tell you, To define oneself in all one’s splendor and raging stupidity!! Completely surrounded within walls I built… With room enough for me and air to breathe… I find myself on both sides of the wall… Trapped on the inside, And still searching, restrained, on the outside. I don’t know where I’m going, But I’m constantly finding myself back there! And without a doubt, I’ve lost myself in a dream not my own… Full of pictures, thoughts & feelings I cannot follow!! But what are dreams but doorways to our unknown selves. …I suppose none of me is true, but what does it matter? Just tell me pretty old lies… Like all the others usually do… Rhiannon Mari 1/13/00 revised 12/11/06

There’s a kind of loneliness one can feel in a crowd. It’s the kind of being separate & unnoticed. It’s one of a marriage gone numb & routine. Of giving one’s heart & time… Giving one’s all to the wind & the darkness… And in this loneliness, One struggles to find oneself… To appreciate oneself And praise oneself… When no one else will. For that is the challenge now To live for oneself And look to oneself… For the acknowledgement, The appreciation, The notice & care… How do they do it? Those who can… Live for themselves Being happy with themselves & their lives With those around them Too wrapped up to notice. How can I be like that? Please help me… For it is so lonely, When you’re waiting For your love to be noticed. Rhiannon 12/7/06

watching you sleep, i caress your arm... your skin so smooth, your innocence overwhelms me. i kiss your back, and hold you close... we fit together so perfectly... my angel, my match. Rhiannon was trying to help my friend, morphingbutterfly with some inspiration... and thus was inspired to write this. here's to you sweetie... hope it helped. *hugs*

i'm in the dark without you... i'm struggling with tears that cannot come out. i'm fighting a battle without you... wishing you were by my side and yet you are ever stepping aside. i'm raising our family without you... pretending that you're still there. You’re crying now Without me. Why won’t you let me in? Just shoving me further away… You said I was your other half. I agreed… And yet still here I am Alone Without you And what makes the least bit of sense… Is that in all this… We’re still living in the same house We’re still together. But we are worlds apart. *sighs & cries*

Why is everyone searching for ‘forever’? I just want to find ‘today’! I feel so lost in way back when’s and what’s next?! My present is dazed and confused! In working towards now, ‘then’ keeps haunting me… climbing this uphill battle feels too steep to offer progress! Yet somehow progress is revealed here & there… Seeing myself in a better light than I ever knew. Tho still tugging at my insecurities & flaws… I fight the greatest battle… The one within. Rhiannon Partial completion date 10/29/06