Allie's blog: "oh man ffs"

So i guess i need to go home soon for the holidays.... so not looking forward to it right now.. I have spent the last couple of weeks in total depression and have just started to come out of it.. Im so scared when i get home it will all start all over again. I miss my kids more then words can say and yes i miss steve too and my friends.. I dont know what to do... if i dont go home then im the worlds most rotten mother who ever lived... and if i do i am risking ending up right back where i just was, and trust me it wasnt pretty there. I dont think i have ever cried as many tears as i did the last few weeks, and i dont know if my mental state can handle doing this all over again.. Someone tell me what to do and how to handle this!!!!

so i go on my myspace last nite to leave email for my kid and this is what i have in my inbox...... myspace.com/synistersatanxxx Date: Dec 4, 2007 8:44 PM Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ] Subject: No Subject Body: gawd steve open your eyes... im crazy about you and trying so hard to make that crazy bitch ex of yours go away so i can tell you, however you keep running to eachother with the emails. I guess its really me who is wasting my time.You are still so in love with her, you need to just go and be with her already. I am done trying to come between you and her and done trying to show you that there is more out in this world then that bitch you love so much. Have a wonderful life with her. To all this is say............. do you really think playing games with him like this is going to get him for you? Think about it..... and callin me names.... oh yes thats goin to win you points with him.. in case you havent figured it out.. him and i ... we kinda tight and i know he doesnt like for ppl to start shit about me...so keep on diggin yourself a hole cuz you are goin to end up in it alone!!!

so it seems for the last week or so someone has nothing better to do but email me with bullshit steve says and does...it occurs to me that this is someone who knows him and i and knows the history of us.. which is no one on my page.... someone who wants to be with him and feels it will never happen unless they get me outta of the picture first, cuz lets face it how does he be with someone else and commit to someone else when he is still in love with me (and no im not bein snotty just statin facts!!) to whomever this is get a fuckin real life.. chances are you are someone who lives outta state anyway..... all u are doing is adding fuel to my fire here!! not pushing me away at all.. but making it to that him and i have longer more in dept conversations........ talking more things out then we ever had!!! so go on with ya damn self!!! keep pushing!!!! all you are doin is pushin him right back to me!!! and let me add here....... what steve does he does... what allie does she does... we dont have a right to say shit about it... he has become my best freind.... the one person who knows everything about me and more... the only person who knows the in depts of me..... what the fuck is it that uncommen to stay friends with someone who you spent 10 years with????

How long do you go on letting someone rip your heart out be4 you become this cold hearted fuck you bitch?? how do you take the love and all the sudden stop it and just be friends? when for sooo long it was the only love you ever had? how do i cut the strings and stop talkin to you....god when even the family makes that hard.....how do i come home for xmas knowin that we will be together for those couple days im there and everything will be great and the minute i get in the car to come back here you will be right back to your many on line gf's....and how sad do you think it makes me to know i have been replaced by someone on a screen.. you would rather have that then be with me?? you would rather be your on line whore self then settle down with the person you told you loved for 10 years??!! god how do i move on past all the pain when my heart is so broke and i still love you with every broken piece of my heart....... ugggggggggggg what to do.. how to feel... how to forgive and forget and move on

mental note to myself.... dont ever drive to and from Pa again alone cuz it sucks.... ended up drivin up there all nite which wasnt too bad...left here about 9 pm and i pulled in about 8...not a bad trip... however some dumbass thought i should leave on a friday afternoon where i ended up sittin in traffic for like 3 hours in damn Va..........i left pa about 11 am and i got back to Ga about 130 am....sucked so bad i wanted to die sittin there....so never again.... however it was kewl hangin out with my kids and seein how happy my son was buyin himself a 2008 VW Rabbit.....