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I just found out I'll have to endure another lumbar spine MRI to get to see the Neurosurgeon I want to see. The first MRI was 45 minutes long, and by the time it was over, I was in so much pain I could barely move off of the MRI machine.
Apparently, this is required because my last MRI is over 6 months old. I will also, of course, have to pay another shitty ass co-pay. I am so sick of my medical issues that I really can't stop thinking about killing myself.
I am not happy in my job, I feel like I'm struggling just to make it through the day, every day. The last 3 antidepressants I tried just made me even more suicidal.
I'm sure I sound like I'm being a whiny baby. I'm sure there are millions of people out there with problems 10x worse than mine. It doesn't change the fact that I don't think I can handle another week of this. No amount of therapy has been helpful. I'm starting to feel like inpatient treatment or suicide are my only options.
I bust my ass at work 5 days a week just so I can suffer all day and night. My physical and emotional pain are really beginning to crush me. I don't have the ability paint anymore, which is really what I want to do. I hurt too much, both emotionally and physically.
Sorry, to those who care about me on here. I promise I won't try to kill myself. But I can't promise I'll be pleasant.
I appreciate you, those who care.
PS - It's been exactly 10 years since my mom died from cancer, as of Nov. 24th, 2009.
