TWISTED NINJETTExX CTP's blog: "My Writings"

I try to explain to people who have yet to make friends online how I can call someone I have never seen in RL a friend. But to be honest one of the people I trust more than anyone else in this world is someone I met right here online and have never met him in RL he has become one of my closet friends. He has been there for me when I needed someone to talk to, he was there for me when I went through some of the hardest parts of my life, He has seen me make some really bad choices and has seen me have my heart broken. But he has also been the one to tell me to pick myself up and dust myself off because life goes on weather your ready or not you gotta keep goin, he is not one to sugar coat things and lie to make me feel better about a situation.Weather I want it or not I got someone to tell me EXACTLY how it is. I couldnt ask for a better friend than that. I think back on some of the conversations that we have had over the short time we have known each other (even though it seems like a lifetime ago that we first met on here) and I cant help but smile because we have both changed so much since then. THe things we talked about, the things we discussed doing but never got the chance. I regret that we have never actually taken that step to actually meet but maybe one day we will, I look forward to it more than you will ever know. So to my very very dear friend dont ever think that I take you for granted, dont ever doubt me  and know that you will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Have you ever done something that effected someone else and didnt even know it? I did and now here I sit racking my brain for a single clue as to why someone very dear to me wont speak to me other than to tell me that he is angry with me and has been for over a week. What makes it worse is he is also mad because I didnt notice he was angry. So I tried to plead my case but this person chose to tell me that what I had to say made no difference. So I sit here now typing this with a heavy heart and with feelings of hopelessness and confusion. I can only hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me for whatever it is that I have done to make him so angry with me. He made it a point to tell me that if I give him a few days he will calm down but I just want him to know that he does mean something to me and if I hadnt had so much going on I would have noticed that he wasnt talking to me or responding to what I said so to my dear dear friend please look into your heart and know that whatever I did was not done intentionally and I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose please please forgive me.

I try to remember my life without you 

But whats the point your here now

You took my heart and put it together again 

When others did nothing but break it.

I finally know what it feels like

To be the one and only love

The one and only someone

To the one and only to me.

You make me laugh and smile

Everyday we are together

Not a day goes by that I dont

Thank God for everything in my life.

You took a broken soul

And put it back together again

I can see in your eyes

The love you tell me everyday is mine.

You are my heart, My Soul, My Love

You are the one that I want forever

YOU and only you have my heart

You who I now call MY EVERYTHING.

                                     Brad lets keep it going one day at a time and end in FOREVER.

When I hear her name I think about the bright eyes

Thats dance and sparkle when she is amused

The way her face lights up the room when she smiles.

When I see her I know I am in the presence

Of a friend, a person I can count on 

When my day has been long and hard 

To always make me smile.

I know that when I need someone to talk to 

I can always turn to Luna 

Wonderful,funny and dependable

She is now and forever will be 

My Sweet loving Luna Bug.

When I need to hear the truth about anything,

When I am confused,sad, or just need someone to help 

Me get through the day she is always there 

With an open ear and a heart thats the sizeof the 

World that she makes so much better for those who

Are lucky enough to know her. LUNA MY BUG I love you like a sister girlie.

You know I sit here and I smile and everyone thinks I am happy all the time but if you only knew what really was going on in my life you would be shocked. I cry myself to sleep almost every night wondering why my life is in peices along with my heart and I never get an answer. I thank god everyday for my real friends in my life because they are the ones that talk to me and tell me that I am strong enough to make it. Now granted I have come a long way and I am doing better than what I was but still not there yet and I have someone threatening to knock me back down and I am so close to doing something I will regret. So my head is fucked up and in the wrong place but what do I do?? I cant loose what I have gained I have to keep goin on and keep waking up everyday and I wonder why? Whats the point?

Everyone deals with stuff different I tend to fly off the handle b4 giving someone a chance to explain... My bad. But I do in the long run give them that chance and it usually has its advantages that being said... Next is this....

  Why is it that when someone else doesnt get what they expected tries to cause drama??? I have one thing to say GET A CLUE..... ok Im done :)

I made the wrong choice again. What a suprise there huh?? I jumped into something too fast and wound up hurt AGAIN. So I ask myself what have I learned? Well I have learned to step back and evaluate a situation before jumping into it. To stop abd remember how I have been hurt in the past. So to those that who wonder why I didnt agree to involve myself in that kind of relationship with you the same day my last one ended what did you really expect no disrespect but come on now. I understand that we get along but all I want and need right now are friends that I can count on. Please dont pressure me any further till I am ready I cant do it right now the pain is still to fresh. So give me time so I can move on and then MAYBE just maybe there may be a chance.

You ever had one of those days when U think to urself if one more thing goes wrong Im gonna snap??? Well these days I have been getting fewer and fewer of them.... Why you may ask... Well for one reason in particular I met the most amazing man in the world. He is so sweet and kind and it also helps that he is so fkn sexi that I cant take my eyes off of him. He made me realize that there are good guys out there they are just few and far between and I am so lucky to have found one of them. He makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world he tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am no matter what I look like wheather I am dressed up to the 9s or just waking up and look like death. He tells me constantly how much he loves me and cant live without me to which I answer I know baby I feel the same way. To this man I say this My love you are my world, my heart and soul are yours. You know I love you and just remember one thing... if the world ended tomorrow I would die happy knowing I had the love of the most amazing man I have ever met. You make my days worth living you make me so happy. I just want you to know that I will never do anything to hurt you, I will never break your heart and I will forever belong to you. All I ask in return is for to promise me you will always love me and always be there for me to call my own. I love you Jason ur my world, my heart, my everything and all I am is yours.

Ever meet someone you knew was special the minute you started talking to them??? Well I have on numerous occasions only most of the time I was wrong........ Till now. I have met someone that can light up my face with a smile with just 2 words "Hi Baby". Now am I a little leary??? Yes I am but I know that this time I have made the right choice. I can feel it down in the bottom of my heart that he has stolen so easily, the same heart that has been crushed by so many that I can't help but question myself sometimes but when I do all I have to do is look at him to know that it is pointless to do so because.....well because he is the type of guy you only meet once in a lifetime the guy that when you do screw it up and push him away you tell yourself as your watching him walk away that your the stupidest person on earth for letting him walk away...... but by then its too late. Now what I really wish is that he was closer because this whole long distance bullshit is for the birds. Having to suffer everyday without him by my side, not being able to wake up next to him every morning, or going to bed every night to the sound of his breathing as he falls asleep. Not being able to feel his arms around me when I am not feeling all that great about life, or when I need someone to hold me when I just need a hug. What I do love is hearing his voice tell me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and........ Well everything else about him. DO I need him??? Yes. Does HE need me???? I dont know. But I do know that he doesnt WANT anyone else and that is all that matters to me..... The others...... Well they can take some good advice and take a long walk off a short peir.... Im not worried about them anymore. It me and My Love against the world are you ready Baby?? I Love you with everything in me and just know you are now the one that holds my heart your my love, my heart, my everything along with 4 other very very imortant people in my life and you know who they are so consider yourself VERY VERY special in my eyes.

I just gotta get this out there sometimes I wonder why ppl would rather walk all over me than to just be grateful that I am helping because by the time they realize just what a good person and friend I am............ they look up to see me wave as Im walking away....... Dont take my kindess as a weakness because I can tell when Im being taken advantage of and U know what quite a few ppl have lost me as a friend. I don't look back...... I have no reason to its in the past can't change it so why look at it. LEt me tell U I have been through hell in the last few years, I have 4 beautiful children they are probably the only thing I have done right. HUnter is 9 James 7, Ellieanna 2 and Cormack is 7 mons. Now I have in that time learned alot as well I have lost love and loved ones so I know the feeling of loss and pain I also have met some really great people that I am damn proud to call my friends but I have also met some people I thought were friends and they are the ones that are now no longer in my life WHY because I am ready to move on and be all doing what makes me and mine happy. So to all the people who are my friends and to the ones that aren't I luv U all I dont hate anybody just feel sorry because U now know what U lost.