Shorte85's blog: "My Thoughts..."

Well my life isn't going all that great at the moment. I thought it was going great, and then BAM! Everything falls to pieces; my heart once again gets crushed and stomped on. I'm so tired of getting hurt; I'm so tired of fucking being put on the back burner. What is so wrong with me that I can't even get a guy to like me that I have interest in? Am I really that bad? Well I was planning on going down to see Eric in South Carolina. I was going on the 1st of November, and wasn't coming back till the 8th. Well plans changed. Eric went to a LPA convention (LPA stands for little people of America). Well while he was at this convention this passed weekend, he ended up meeting another little person (girl) there. Well, I guess they hit it off. They held hands, kissed and had a great time. Why is it that a guy goes for the first thing they can get their hands on? Well, Eric came home, and I finally talked to him. He never called me like he said he was going to while at the convention. Told me he wasn't going to talk to any girls, unless he was talked to. He also told me that if a girl had interest in him that he was going to tell them that he already had interest in me. Well that didn't happen as far as telling them that. I mean because he kissed the girl, and held hands and what not. I don't know though, I was speechless when he told me about it yesterday. I didn't know what to think, my stomach starting turning, my eyes started to water. I was trying so hard to not let it out; I was trying to play it cool. I was trying to show him that I was okay with it, hoping he was going to still give me a chance. To let me show him what I have. But instead, he told me he didn't know what to do. That this girl he met only lived 35 minutes to 45 minutes away from him where he lived. I told him well, doesn't mean I can't come down there to see what we can do out of this. I mean it's only 6 nights before I come down there. Well, he had told me maybe it was best that I didn't come down there at all right now. I was speechless! It's not the first time he has done this to me, but at that time I was okay with it because I didn't have a purchased ticket. But this time, I did. I had the ticket since last month, and I even freaking went into overdraft charges just to get this damn ticket that is how bad I wanted to see him. I figured he wanted to see me too. But I guess I'm wrong. I'm always wrong with this shit. I'm crying right now typing this. It's so hard for me. About 2 months ago I got out of a 2 year relationship, and having Rich break my heart, and then having Eric break it... I don't have a heart left anymore. Is there some thing really wrong with me? I mean Rich didn't want me, Eric doesn't want me. Eric doesn't even want me to call him anymore. He said he feels its best I don't call there anymore where he lives. I... I just... I just fucking hate this! My life has never gone right for me; it's always given me these huge ass bumps in my way. But this time, it's given me a pot hole, and I don't think I can get out of it. I don't think I want to either. I'm tired, I'm just fed up. I try so hard to make someone happen, and then I just get the other end of the shitty deal. I'm just so tired of it. It's so hard, and for me to be different than others doesn't help at all either. Guys look at me, and run because of my height and how they think about how their friends will think if they ever wanted to date me. I don't know. I'm just tired, I just wish I could shoot myself and put me out of my misery. I'm already in enough misery as it is. I just can't deal with this shit anymore. I can't take anymore of this pain. It seems like my life keeps going to hell, and each time I try to get back on track I get knocked right back on my ass once again. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just tired of it all.

Dear Mr. Right, Will the love that we have for each other never end? Will our hearts grow for one another and never let each other go? Living so far apart and hardly ever getting to see each other, will that be a sacrifice we need to make? I know there are things we're going to have to sacrifice, and things we're going to run into such as long distance relationship and what not. But will this be the true thing that will take and put us in a trance of never being apart by heart? I know the feelings I have for you are true, but are the feelings you have for me true and not just a fluke? I guess we will never truly know till we meet face to face one day and our eyes meet, and our hearts start to beat faster. I know when my eyes meet with your eyes, that it will be a twist of fate that was supposes to happen. Are you the one for me? I guess to be honest that is a silly question till someday we meet. It seems like now it's true, and it seems to be true what we feel for each other but will it honestly last? Only God knows I guess. I know that the feelings I have for you, have never died since the day I met you nor will they probably never. I've known you for 6 years, and always have had that spark in my heart for you. All you have to do is make that spark turn to fire... Right now it's smoking and just needs warming and loving to my soul. I know we've both been through hell in our lives, and we will never forget those tough times in our lives. But can we get over it, and work on what we have now and not what we had? I know I'm willing to do that, if you are? I know I can promise this one thing, which is to make you happy and do what I think will satisfy you... But can you do the same in return? I guess only time can tell... Which to be honest is right around the corner and we will know for sure if it is meant to be. Mr. Right, I care about you with all my heart. I know you’re out there some where, I just have to find you, and I will know when I find you when we meet eye to eye.

Well, my life has took a turn for the better. I went from being unhappy, down, sad and didn't know what to do with myself. Then, I started talking to Eric. Eric has made me so happy right now, it's like 1000's of pounds have lifted up off my shoulders. I'm not use to being this happy, I'm not use to being so wanted by someone. But don't get me wrong, I like it very much. Last night he told me I am very beautiful, can you believe that? Not once has someone told me seriously that I was beautiful. Not once has someone told me to never change anything about myself... But when Eric told me this, I was shocked. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to react. I wasn't use to hearing such words come out of a guy. So my life has started over, from a fresh start. I believe God has directed me on a new fresh path, a path that I haven't went down on before. I'm not complaining that is for sure. God has plans for me. Things have been working out for me for the better. I have been talking to Eric every night now, and we plan on meeting the first week of November. I'm going down to South Carolina for the first time, and I'm going down to see Eric in person for the first time. Eric and I have known each other for 6 years now. So it's not like I just met him, and going to jump the gun or anything. Although I'm still not jumping the gun, I'm going to take it slowly and go from there. I don't want to take it fast. I want to take it slowly. Right now the key to my heart has been locked up and put away, and Eric may have the key. I don't know yet for sure. I guess I will have to see what happens when I go down to see him. Eric is such a sweet, kind, sensitive guy and he respects me for who I am. I sent him some pictures of myself, and he had shown everyone around where he lives. I can't wait! It's just... just so exciting! Eric is a little person just like myself. He is like 4'2 I believe he said. So he's not much taller than I am, then again being 3'5 and him being 4'2 or some thing along those lines that's still pretty tall to me. lol But I don't care, I just hope it works out between him and I. Eric is my best friend, he's always been there for me no matter what happened between him and I. Him and I have always gotten along. We had one argument, and we talked through it. Unlike someone I knew, we have a argument and we never talked it out and settled out differences. Eric and I, we settled our differences and worked it out. I care a lot about Eric, and he's always been in my heart! He's always had my heart, and always will. I just really hope things work out between him and I. The only thing that is really going to be hard on us, which I hope we can defeat which is long distances between him and I. I live in Michigan and he lives in South Carolina. Long ways away, but if him and I put our heads together, we can do it. Don't you think so too? Well I just wanted to update you on what's going on in my life. I feel I am doing great, and I am much better off where I am than where I was before. Don't get me wrong, I care about Rich. But things between him and I, there were too many differences between him and I. I hope all goes well with him and Wendy. I hope everything works out. He will always be in my heart whether him and I don't remain friends or not. I will always be there for him when he needs to talk, or vent! But like a good friend said to me; But life goes on. When things go wrong, it's probably for a good reason. It's probably a sign that was for the best before things get more rough on both parties of the relationship. But don't get me wrong, I do NOT regret not once being with Rich. It was one hell of a awesome experience and he will always be in my prayers. Him and his family will always remain in my heart. Good luck Rich. I hope life fulfills your needs. I care about you, and love you as a friend. Don't forget that if you are reading this! Well, going to update profile and what not. So see you all around...

I'm trying to figure out what to pack, and what not to pack. It seems like just yesterday I unpacked everything and now I'm repacking everything and getting ready to move again. So many things keep going through my mind. I feel a whole lot better though. I'm not sad, depressed or anything. I could careless, if you know what I mean? Why should I drag my feet, and hold my head down when I know things can be much better than that. It's hard to think that things would come to an end this way, but maybe it was for the best? Oh well, I've learned my lesson once again. But I haven't been doing much other than just packing here and there. Life is a bitch when a whirl wind has caught up with you and mixed everything up when you have it all in place where you want it. I don't know. I'm thinking about uploading some of my poetry that I have written. Let me know what you guys think of it and what not. Well talk to you laters.... Seeya

I went to sleep like around 1am today, and then woke up about 3am or so. I'm at my best friend's house right now. It's so hard being away from him. It's so hard, that I can hardly stand being alone as it is right now. Why do things have to be all great and then the next minute things go wrong? Why does life have to bring these hurtful times in our life? We don't enjoy it, so why bring it to the surface? Right now our song just came on Always by Atlantic Starr. Every time I hear this song I instantly think about him. It's so hard to not think about him. It's going to be hard enough as days go by. Stuff just doesn't seem to go as planned. My sleeping pattern is all fucked up, and I can't hardly sleep without him as it is and when I do try to sleep. I only sleep a little at a time because when I'm sleeping I'm always dreaming about him. It's so hard, it's so fucking hard to just go on like nothing ever happened. To make things even worse on my part, is I keep running the thoughts of how he could/just might meet someone else who is totally better than I am. Someone who could possibly give him more than I ever could. Isn't loving someone, and showing them love enough or is there more to it and I'm missing a point? Everytime I close my eyes, all I see is his figure in my mind. I feel like I've done everything wrong and nothing at all right... This all was a shock, I didn't know anything was going wrong. It all smacked me right on my ass before I even knew it. Is there some thing I didn't do enough of?

There has been a big change in my life and I'm not sure if I am supposed to be happy, sad, depressed (which I am sad and depressed) and much more. Since Saturday night, things for me have been really hard. The love of my life that I have been with for almost 2 years and I have split up. Well, let's just say it's "just for now" but will it be "just for now"? No one really knows. I guess we'll see what happens I guess. It's still hard for me to really talk about it because I finally found the one true thing that I really care about in my life, and to let that person slip through my fingers like nothing is beyond belief. It's hard, it's really hard. I'm not going to be able to hug him passionally, kiss him like I want too and tell him I deeply and truely love him. It hurts a lot and I don't know what to do really. I don't know if I should fight for the one I really love, or if I just leave him alone. It's really hard to just sit and not do anything. When I wake up in the morning, he's all I think about, and when I go to sleep he's all I dream about. I never knew love can be this way, I never knew that love can be so pure but yet it drains away so fast. It's so hard to know that I might lose the one I truely, and passionately love with all my heart. It's hard to know I have to wake up with no one next to me every morning, or yet go to sleep with no one there to hold me till I fall asleep. It's going to be hard, it's going to be so fucking hard that's it painful to even know it's true. It's all still a shock to me as I didn't know this was going to happen. It all hit me, and put my ass right on the ground faster than I could breath. I never knew love so pure could hurt so badly, and it hurts like a thousand knives going through my heart. Well there you have it, now you know why I haven't been on here much. The past few days have been a living hell for me, and I'm sure those days will keep pouring in.