Tuesday Feb. 12th marked two years since I held Gus in my arms for the last time and watched him breathe his last breath. It's hard sometimes to believe it's been two years.
Sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday. Other times, like now, it seems like our love and our life together was all just a wonderful impossible dream.
I believe our spirits live on after the death of our bodies because we are energy, and energy can not be destroyed only changed. I believe Gus' spirit remains with me somehow still, watching over me and guiding me. I can still feel his love.
Lost and alone after his death, something told me it would be at least two years before I found happiness again. It wasn't a voice in my head, or any sort of a sign, it was just a certain knowing.
I didn't want to believe that, didn't want to even think about spending two years of my life feeling the crushing loss and abject misery. So I kept pushing the thought aside, trying to get on with my life. The whole time knowing I was fighting a losing battle, yet refusing to surrender to that one simple fact coming seemingly from nowhere.
Gus wanted to return to me and if there were any way the forces of the universe would allow such a thing, he would be the one to do it. I hoped and prayed fervently to The Goddess for just that.
But I also kept remembering how Gus used to always tell me that I deserved so much better than him. He would say that he didn't deserve me, but that loving me made him a better man, and that no body had ever treated him as good as I did.
I like to think he's finding someone for me to love again. Someone who will love me even better than he could, someone who is everything Gus always wanted to be but fell short of.
While he was the first one to recognize his own shortcomings, try as he might he could not over come them. Instead perhaps he can find someone who could. Someone whom Gus could admire and respect, someone who's walked a similar path as he but rose above it and finally prevailed. Someone he knows would do right by me, who would treat me right because it isn't in him to do otherwise. Someone who deserves a good woman who can fully appreciate where he's been and just what he's achieved in his life.
So instead of coming back to me, I think he's gone on, continuing his own destiny, following his own fate. He believed that's what he was doing when he saved my life and his little sisters life too, all in the same day. He told her that was the proudest day of his life.
He felt that his work here was done after that, and so he was at peace within himself when he died.
He died one year to the day of when he first spoke to my Father on the phone and told him I was safe, and that he, Gus, would make sure I stayed that way. He gave my Father his word and my Father has never forgotten that.
My Mother reminded me just the other day that when she spoke with Gus on the phone for the very last time and thanked him again for saving my life, he told her that it was his destiny and he was happy to do it because I gave him more love than he'd known his whole life and he would die knowing what it was to be truly and unconditionally loved.
I don't know why it had to be at least two years before I could feel happiness again. Maybe it's because it's taken me that long to come to grips with my loss, to be able to let go. To learn how to live again, and not feel guilty about it.
I trust that if Gus does find someone for me to love again that he will understand what I believe, that there is much more to these things than ever meets the eye. That our spirits live on after the death of our bodies and while we are alive they have their own ways of interacting and connecting us with others on both sides of the veil.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we never know the reason and even if some of it's not so good.
Before he died Gus said to me "I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of losing you." I told him "You can never lose me, we are part of each other. We always have been and we always will be."
I believe when it comes to love, there's always more there than what meets the eye.
Blessed Be
XOxo~Drea
