AJ the Wicked Jester's blog: "Memoirs and Thoughts of the Broken Blade.."

Woke up feeling like I was drowning in my own tears. I couldn't even find my voice to scream anymore. The memories, the pain, the guilt.. It still kills me even after all these years. 6 days until 8 years since I lost my dear Selena.

There are memories.. Both good and bad. That I will never be able to forget. She didn't just pluck at my heart strings. She took the instrument, destroyed it, and rebuilt it from the ground up. And then created music with me like the world has never heard.

I'll never forget. She showed me what true love is. What it means to love and to be loved. Purely. Without hesitation. Without doubts. Without hiding anything.

Both of these memories have only been told to a select few. This will be the first time for me to say it so everyone could know. I've been so hurt, so ashamed, so broken. I was not strong enough. And it destroyed me. So very few were told of my hell...

The first memory that hit me tonight was the night I proposed. She went out for a day with the girls. And while she was gone I filled her apartment with flowers. Made it a jungle, made of Stargazer Lillies. It was her favorite flower. I got us dinner, and made her favorite desert. Oh, how she loved the way I made cherry cheesecake.

When she came home, I saw the look of shock and happiness in her eyes. She saw the jungle, smelled the food. She looked at me, but no words escaped her lips. I took a knee, and asked this Angel to marry me. She fell to her knees in tears. Hugged me close, and then she whispered in my ear "Yes, my sweet. I have always been your Harley and you will always be my Joker"

So on Halloween of 2006 we were wed. And as per her request, It was a themed wedding. It was a DC comics Wedding. With the Bride and Groom being Harley Quinn and The Joker. It was a truly amazing event. Never have I seen a happier day in my life.

We had planned to go back to where My family lived the following year. Renew our vows and do a second wedding for the family.. But that plan never happened..

Such happiness was not mine to have for very long.

2 weeks later, on that terrible day I lost everything. November 14th. I have not worked on that day since..

I was still in the Army at that time. We were doing training and preparing for the unit's next deployment. She texted me earlier in the day, saying the contractions were getting really painful and she wanted to go to the doctor when I got home. I requested to take the rest of the day off, after my lunch. 1st Sergeant told me that it was fine. He just asked that I kept him updated on her status. I sent my soldiers to lunch while I stayed back and guarded the gear. When they returned an hour later from their lunch, I left work for the day.

I made my way home. I sent her a text, but she never answered. I just figured she was resting till I was able to get home.

When I got home, I saw that the door was ajar. Which, immediately had me worried. Selena never left the door open. She was very adamant when it came to security.

I stepped inside quickly and started to call her name. But, what I saw within left me without breath and without voice.

I saw my darling Selena lying in the living room, covered in blood. I dropped my stuff and ran to her. I immediately checked to see if she was breathing. When I saw she was still alive, I went to grab my first-aid kit. As I started to step away her weak hand grabbed my wrist. She smiled weakly, asked me to not leave. I kneeled back down and held her close.

These final moments lasted so long. She had much to say. She told me who did this. Asked that I do not seek vengeance. For, only in me is there a way to break the chain. Only I could break the unending circle of hate.

She continued to speak. About how I've grown, how I've changed. That I was so much better. I was stronger. But, I cannot let this destroy me. She also spoke of the things she wanted me to do. The way She felt I needed to live. She had a great dream. One that I shared. One of peace, of tolerance. And she asked that I carry on her dream.

I promised her, the dream would never die.

She smiled weakly, her bright and beautiful eyes were so much dimmer than before. She placed a hand on my cheek and told me "I will always love my Joker"

I can never forget her final words. "You will break the chain. You are the torch. You will burn away those hatreds. But, as you fight for our dream. Don't let it consume you. Even if you cannot see our dream through, promise me one thing. Never give up on love. Love was always what made you strongest. Never give up my sweet."

At that moment I knew. She put her hands together on her lap. and leaned back against me. I just held her until she released her final breath.

And at that moment, I lost it all. I knew everything I fought for, everything I lived for was gone. At that moment the tears fell like never before.

6 hours later, My 1st Sergeant showed up at the house to check up on me and Selena. I never called him to tell him how she was. And he found me kneeled on the floor, holding her in silence. He saw the scene, walked up to me, placed a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him with the tears still in my eyes. He told me "I'll take care of it. You stay with her"

And he did. He took care of nearly everything. He was there with me when I was questioned on what happened. When I had to replay the scene in my head so many times to so many people. And when I couldn't handle being around people any longer. It was he who took me to the hospital for psychiatric help. I stayed in the hospital for quite a time. While I was in he continued to take care of everything for me. When i left the military a couple months after Selena's death, it was he who'd pushed to make sure I left with an Honorable Discharge.

For so many years this has haunted both my dreams and my waking moments. I'd found a love, so pure and so true. One that so many only dream of. And I was not strong enough to keep it. To protect it. I failed her.. But even in the last moments.. She never hated me for failing her. Which destroys me even more.

This has always been my deepest regret, my greatest shame.. The Hell I suffer within my own mind. And why very few have never heard this.

It was on that day.. I lost everything. The life I was living, THe love I had found, My darlin angel Selena, and I lost my mind. Shattered and broken. I left that world behind. And since that day.. I have been running...