PART ONE: Today's entry 9:26am Monday Sept. 25, 2006
Most people I talk to tell me that they have no fears of any kind other than the normal "fear of water, or fear of fire, or fear of being smothered" that type of stuff. I think that everyone has some type of fear of that physical aspect of dying that way. I know I have a fear of Snakes, especially boas or pythons that are big enough to eat someone like me for lunch. But those are just your normal everyday fears that basically are like the boogyman, you can usually get over them as you get older, or not as the case may be. It all depends on the person and their state of mind. Some of those fears never go away.
For me the snake one will never go away, but that isn't my greatest fear.
My greatest fear is, not knowing my greatest fear. Or rather not knowing what that greatest fear actually is. Even though I have an idea that something is not what is seems in the back of my mind, I always manage to push it to the furthest reaches of my mind and lock them away as tightly as possible...make a fortress if you will that is impenetrable...and let it seemingly wink out of my life without so much as a by your leave. Ignore it if you will, until it ceases to exist. But it doesn't cease to exist. It only gets buried further and further down until it just lies there dormant, waiting for something to trigger it and start the small flame of doubt and fear. But I don't see it, and I don't realize that its there waiting to become stronger again. Waiting to rule my life all over again.
The bad thing about all this is that, I "DON'T" know what my greatest fear is. But at the same time, I have an idea as to what it is as well. Weird logic I suppose, but that's the thick of it, I know but I don't know.
My Greatest Fear Is: Part 2
PART TWO: Sept.28, 2006 8:56am
2nd entry:
Because I don't know exactly what it is that I fear the most, I am totally at a loss when something happens to trigger a bad reaction, or a reaction that makes me extremely adamant about what I want or, in this case, what I "don't" want. And what I "don't" want is to be put in a position by someone in which I have no control over whatsoever. It is not in my best interest to be in that type of position at all, unless I want to be. It makes me feel totally helpless and unable to do anything that could stop that feeling of helplessness. It is probably an irrational emotion to have, but I do not believe that to be true. If that were the case, then anyone who has fears of any kind, no matter how big or small they are, is by definition being irrational.
From talking with Peter, I have discovered something about myself that I never realized was even there inside me, nor even thought to have been inside me for all these years, past and present. Upon talking, reluctantly, about this fear (which I didnt know existed at first) with him a few nights before, I discovered something about myself. I had pushed something very bad that happened to me many years ago, completely down into a little tiny dot deep inside me and covered it up with years of other things in my life making me forget that I even had this inside me. I already new that I didnt like taking orders, when I got older, from anyone, let alone my parents. Not even my bosses at work. But what I didnt know is, that even though I like to be in total control of any situation, and of other people, there is an underlying presence that makes it more pronounce with me.
I need to sit down and actually try to analyze this Fear before I can even begin to say anything more about it here, or tell anyone about it completely. What I do know is, that I do need to get this out in the open, for the sake of my sanity, as well as for peace of mind.
My Greatest Fear Is: Part 3
PART THREE: Oct. 4, 2006 7:45am
3rd entry:
I can't seem to grasp, in the forefront of my mind, what it is that is actually tangible about this hidden fear of mine. Because it has been lost in the far reaches of my brain for many, many years, I cannot even touch the surface enough to break it, just merely scratch it. I know it's there, lurking about inside of me, just waiting to come out and make itself known. I know...but I don't know. I can see the tip of the ice burg jutting up from the surface, but the rest seems to be stuck under the deep waters of my sanity.
I know pretty much what it is that seems to be tearing me apart, but I'm just not able to come to grips with it yet. I don't know how at this point in time. But I do know that it has something to do with certain parts of my life being controlled by someone other than myself. I guess I should say, parts of my life that have been invaded by someone other than myself. And not in a good or positive way either!
My Greatest Fear Is: Part 4
PART FOUR: Oct. 8, 2006 11:33pm
4th entry:
Yesterday I did a bad thing! I fought vehemently with my Master/BF because of an extremely bad reaction to something he told my "soon to be sister in submission” to do to me. I reacted badly because he told her to do something that put me into a tale spin and scared the living crap out of me. I know that I should have done what I was told and not said anything, but I just could not in this particular case.
She and I were just playing around and she slapped me, and I slapped her back in a playful manor. She jokingly told my Master/bf that I that I hit her. He came out of the bathroom and told her to go ahead and hit me back and hit me back hard…he was being serious when he said it…the two of us were just playing, but he wasn’t, he was being serious. But when he told her to hit me I looked at him and went backwards saying “NO” I won’t let her hit me (fairly calmly I might add, but with a bite in my voice)…He got more upset and told her yes she can and to hit me hard. I backed out of the room with him following me and grabbing me telling me that I will let her hit me if he so chooses. I was afraid…I told him that I will not let anyone but him touch me or hit me for any reason. I kept saying “NO! They won’t and no you won’t tell them to do that.” louder and more frightened of the concept that I was not in control of the situation.
When I looked at his face and looked into his eyes, I didn’t see my Peter. I saw something else, or rather someone else…and when he told her to go ahead and hit me, I automatically went into preservation mode by defying him when I said “’No!’ she won’t, I won’t let her…or anyone do that to me, not ever!” As I said that, I was cringing and backing away, especially when he started coming toward me. Basically the look on his face was extreme anger…which I don’t really blame him under the circumstances…but that anger made me feel and see someone else and I got really scared when he grabbed me and got in my face all the while I am telling him “NO”. I knew he was there but at the same time I didn’t see him. Though I said that I would not let anyone else other than him flog or hit me, I saw another person.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I am not afraid of my Peter, I know that he would not hurt me, and would not let anyone else hurt me. Being flogged is something that makes me feel excited and wonderful at the same time. It is a feeling like that gives me a high like I never experienced in my life until now. Punishment is a belt to the bare bottom if I do something that angers him profusely. And I have gotten said belt. But only because I did something wrong and I new I did. When I do something wrong punishment is inevitable, and I have to take it as I am supposed to with humility and grace. If I deserve it I will take it. My deal is, in the case, I know that my defying him the way I did was in itself very wrong and angering him was not my intention, but when confronted with the feeling of déjà vu as I was (a couple of times I might add), especially this particular time, I felt a sense of real danger to my being. I felt trapped inside and I couldn’t get out. Hence my defying Peter the way I did for reasons I am not able to get out in the open to deal with this problem I am facing at the moment. And believe me I want to get it out in the open and start the healing process.
I believe that this is when the precepts that Peter gave me when he became my Master aside from my bf. But I will elaborate tomorrow after I have had time to try an sleep…though at the moment I know I am not able to do because of certain circumstances at the moment, that I won’t go into at all.
