Wild Hope's blog: "~*My Blog~*"

Amazing, what loving someone can do to you. How it makes you want to be forever encircled in their arms. How it makes you want to make their world perfect. How it makes you desire to be the center of their universe; wish you were all that mattered. The way you miss then when they're gone. The way you go crazy when they say your name softly, a soft as the way they caress you. The wayyou feel lost withouth them. How you feel like you're going crazy when you don't hear their voice. The way you feel so ecstatic whe they tell you they love you. The way you feel so vulnerable when they're not by your side. It's amazing how this feeling of love makes me want to stand on top of a building and scream, for the whole world to hear: " I LOVE YOU!" It's truly amazing...

As I sit and watch the sun set, I think of all the pain in my past and it just goes away; disappears into the orange calmness of the sun's setting. I cannnot keep the hatred that I am entitled to against you. I'm just not that kind of person. However, I am not going to let you wiggle yourself back into my life. The last time I thought I would die. But there was something tranquilizing about the way the sun lowered itself into the sea, so sure that it would rise again tomorrow. And that is how I feel: Even though I might hurt today, the sun will eventually rise again shining its brilliant rays on the path of my happiness.

Life is a game; all games have their dangers. That is why most of us don't allow ourselves the luxury of getting close to anyone; we retreat into ourselves, not putting anyone else in danger. I was foolish. I actually believed that I could let someone in. Now the person my heart belongs to, is at risk. It was selfish of me to think I could love him; give him my everything, even knowing the threat looming ahead. If I have to let him go, I will never be whole again. Yet my unrelenting love for him urges me to protect him with my last breath. Even if that means forever banishing him from my life. The time to do so has not come yet. But I find myself putting up my shields. I know the silence is torturous; a silence that had never existed between us. I pull away from him, withdraw my feelings. For if I didn't, I know it would put more heaviness over him . No longer will I have a shoulder to cry on; no one to comfort me, to make me laugh . No one to speak honestly to. No one to love. My heart has already been taken. And I know that no matter what comes to pass, my heart will always be his, and his only. For I am his, forever and always.

When I think of him, I see a beautiful person, within and without. I look beyond the mask that others don't even bother to glance at. I think about him and my face lights up in a smile. I don't care what people think of him. They are blinded by materialistic views and superficial thoughts. If I could change just one thing about him, it would be to bring him into my life sooner. Because in my eyes, he's perfect.

If You loved me so much, why did You leave me? If You said that You would never frown and walk away, then why are You not here right now? If You really cared, why haven’t I heard from You in months? If I was Your babygirl, why did You abandon me? If You dreamed of me being Your wife and having Your child, why did You disappear out of my life without a trace? As I write this, my heart is squeezed with a mix of resentment, tears and anger and the thought that is still alive in my head that tells me that You never cared to begin with. You don’t know how much I hurt inside. You have no idea how much I miss You everyday of my life; how many times I wonder if You are coming back or if it really was over. You have no idea how many nights I have cried myself to sleep because of You. The loneliness is killing me. Sometimes I think that the only way to get rid of You forever, forget all the feelings I had for You, is to take a knife and puncture my skin, seeing the blood that trickled through my veins spill out over the kitchen tile as You, Yourself seep out also. But I still hold on. For some strange reason I can’t resign my love to You. I don’t think I ever will…

Do you ever feel trapped within yourself, suffocated by memories? Do you ever wish, that for one second, you could live life as if heartbreak had never crossed your path? Do you ever hope that someday, you might be able to open up completely to someone, like you did once upon a time? Do you ever wish that you could erase all the pains, all the images, so you could move on without hesitation? How I yearn for those days; the days in which I didn’t have to tiptoe around people, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain to start over again. I wish, I wish I wish.