A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks
in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks
for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks
good enough, I'll go home."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ! asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning
by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
where
a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain is asking for a
push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He
slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him? She asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two
guys
helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish,
and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here!
Male readers: Please scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
