Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large
gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For,
*****sake,you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
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A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is
going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female
friends in addition to my fiancée and you try and guess which one I'm
going to marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter
to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You ****ing bastard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and
said,"Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall
charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
years I lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to
borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
