Browneyes AKA ReDnEkGrL's blog: "misc..."

THE TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY: 30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen. 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 28. Duct tape won't fix that. 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 26. We don't keep firearms in this house. 25. You can't feed that to the dog. 24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 23. Wrestling is fake. 22. We're vegetarians. 21. Do you think my gut is too big? 20. I'll have grapefruit & grapes instead of biscuits & gravy. 19. Honey, we don't need another dog. 18. Who gives a dam who won the Civil War? 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 14. Trim the fat off that steak. 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 12. The tires on that truck are too big. 11. I've got it all on the C: drive. 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 9. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 7. Checkmate. 6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 4. I don't have a favorite college team. 3. You Guys. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae. AND NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY: 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

> Some years ago, on a hot summer day in south > Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in > the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry > to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back > door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he > went. > > He flew into the water, not realizing that as he > swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was > swimming toward the shore. > > His father working in the yard saw the two as they > got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he > ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly > as he could. > > Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed > and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too > late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator > reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his > little boy by the arms just as the alligator > snatched his legs. That began an incredible > tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much > stronger than the father, but the father was much > too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive > by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took > aim and shot the alligator. > > Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, > the little boy survived. His legs were extremely > scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on > his arms, were deep scratches where his father's > fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang > on to the son he loved. > > The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy > after the trauma, asked if he would show him his > scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with > obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at > my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have > them because! my Dad wouldn't let go." > > You and I can identify with that little boy. We > have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the > scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are > unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some > wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to > let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been > there holding on to you. > > The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a > child of God. He wants to protect you and provide > for you in every way But sometimes we foolishly wade > into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies > ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with > peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to > attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if > you have the scars of His love on your arms, be > very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever > let you go. > > Please pass this on to those you love. God has > blessed you, so that you can be a blessing to > others. You just never know where a person is in > his/her life and what they are going through. > > Never judge another persons scars, because you > don't know how they got them. Also, it is soooo > important that we are not selfish, to receive the > blessings of these messages, without forwarding them > to someone else. > > Right now, someone needs to know that God loves > them, and you love them, too- enough to not let them > go.

> > > Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a > question if they aren't > > prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern > small-town prosecuting > > attorney called his first witness, a > grandmotherly, elderly woman to the > > stand. > > > > > > He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you > know me?" > > > She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. > Williams I've known you since > > you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a > big disappointment to me. > > You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate > people and talk about them > > behind their backs. You think you're a big shot > when you haven't the brains > > to realize you never will amount to > > > anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, > I know you." > > > > > > The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to > do, he pointed across the > > room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the > defense attorney?" She again > > replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley > since he was a youngster, > > too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking > problem. He > > > can't build a normal relationship with anyone > and his law practice is one > > of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention > he cheated on his wife with > > three different women. One of them was your wife. > Yes, I know him." > > > The defense attorney almost died. > > > > > > The judge asked both counselors to approach the > bench, and in a very quiet > > voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her > if she knows me, I'll throw > > your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

IT'S ALL BOUT TX. NOT CALI...HEHE... It's all about Texas today baby!! Somebody from California apparently wrote the top part, but somebody from Texas came back and put them on their asses at the bottom. CALIFORNIA: - I can wear sandals all year long - I go to the Beach - not "down to the shore" -Our chicks are WAYYYY hotter than yours. Well...Miami can hang. - I say "like" and "for sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "totally" and "peace out" and "chill" and "tight" and "bro" and I say them often - I know what real cheese & avocados taste like -Everyone smokes weed and its no big deal -We'll roll up 40 deep when something goes down. -I live next door to Mexicans, but we call them American's! -All the porn you watch is made here, cause we're better and that's how it is - I don't get snowdays off because there's only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear - I know 65 mph really means 100 - When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we don't fuck around on the road - The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border) - My governor can kick your governor's ass - I can go out at midnight -You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code - I might get looked at funny by locals when I'm on vacation in their state, but when they find out I'm from California, I turn into a Greek GOD - We don't stop at stop signs... we do a "california roll" No cop, no stop baby! - I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day - All the TV shows you "other" states watch get filmed here - We're the Golden State. Not the Cheese State. Not the Garden State.....GOLDEN!!! - We have In-N-Out (Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them) - I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more than yours, which means I'm better than you [geez.... hahaha] - The best athletes come from here *******IF YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA, REPOST THIS******* ******IF YOU'RE NOT, GO SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY****** ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ TEXAS: Ahem... So.. Um.. yeah... I read this, and thought I would reply... Hey... California listen up... Texas is where its at! - I too can wear sandals all year long... plus I can put on boots to stomp your toes and I won't even stick out. - You may be able to go to the "beach" instead of the "shore"... but can you go to the drive thru "Beer Barn?" What now surfer boy? - You're chicks aren't way hotter than ours... they are almost equal... and that's only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye... We have the real ones and they can beat yours up. - We're taught to say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" and respect our elders because of it. We also say "Howdy" and "fixin" and "Yall" are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world :) We're famous - You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like... but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes? - Haha... who do you think grows the weed and sells it to you? - Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done... - I live next door to Americans, but we call them Mexicans - About your Porn.... 3 words... "Debbie Does Dallas"... You can brag about it now, but we started it - Why would you brag about not getting snow days off? - We're smart enought to know 65mph means 65, but our speed limit is 70. - - When someone cuts me off, they get run over by my big ass truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to california. - The drinking age is 21, but if you aren't chasin the beer by 1 yr old... you're behind. - Yeah, Well my governor became the President of the United States... yours isn't even eligible. - You can go out at midnight? That's nice, I haven't even come home by then. - Ok... you said,"You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code" and as hard as I try I have no idea what you're talking about... I think you're watching too much tv. - Yeah, you'll definitely get looked at funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and it's not Greek, it's French. - Of course you don't stop at stop signs... none of you can drive. - You can pick up Real Mexican food 24 hours a day huh... well I can swing by Home Depot and pick up 24 Real Mexicans anytime of day. Can you say catering? - All the tv shows get filmed there... but where does your favorite poker game from? Texas Hold'em anyone? - You can keep your golden state... We're the Lone Star State...the one and only!! - Do I have to remind you about the drive thru Beer Barn again? Does In-N-Out serve alcohol? (Oh and did I mention Dr. Pepper was created in Texas?) - You guys have the best athletes huh?... Eight words... Lance Armstrong and The University of Texas- Austin Though I could mention MICHAEL JOHNSON - Olympic Sprinter, World record holder in 200m and 400m, 5 Olympic Gold metals, 9 time World Champion (born Dallas, Tx) and Babe Dedrickson Zaharias Best Female Athlete of all time (born in Port Arthur, Tx). Oh and remind me again who won the Rose Bowl between USC and Texas????? I believe it was the LONGHORNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Football is a religion, not a sport - In Texas, football means football, not soccer. - 90% of football "movies" you guys are making are about Texas Football. -Varsity Blues, filmed in Georgetown, Tx - Friday Night Lights, filmed in Odessa, Tx - Necessary Roughness, filmed in San Marcos Texas - Texas is the only state that can still separate to become it's own country. The only way California's gonna accomplish that is if another earthquake comes along and you guys sink into the ocean. Can you say Atlantis.... hahaha Come on Texans Show Your Colors! Repost! And as the Great Sam Houston once said "Texas could survive without the United States, but the United States could not survive without Texas!"

1. Your Name: 2. Age: 3. Favorite position (s)? 4. Do you think I'm hot? 5. Would you have sex with me? 6. lights on or off? 7. Would you have to be drunk? 8. Would you take a shower with me? 9. Have you ever thought about having sex with me? 10. Would you leave after or stay the night? 11. Do you like cuddling afterwards? 12. Condom or skin? 13. Do you give Oral pleasures? 14. Do you like to receive Oral Pleasures? 15. Have sex on the first date? 16. Would you kiss me during sex? 17. Do you think I would be good in bed? 18. Threesome? 20. How many times would you like to cum? 21. Would you use me as a booty call? 21. Can I use you as a booty call? 22. Do you like foreplay? 23. What is foreplay to you? SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE SEND THIS BACK TO YOU! EVEN IF YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND-

It may take you two minutes to read this, but if you do not take the time to read this you are one of the people this post is talking about. ____________________________________________________ You stay up for 16 hours He stays up for days on end. ____________________________________________________ You take a warm shower to help you wake up. He goes days or weeks without running water. ____________________________________________________ You complain of a "headache", and call in sick. He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward. ____________________________________________________ You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends. He still fights for your right to wear that shirt. ____________________________________________________ You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket. He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags. ____________________________________________________ You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you. He knows he may not see some of his buddies again. ____________________________________________________ You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls. He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists. ____________________________________________________ You complain about how hot it is. He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow. ____________________________________________________ You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong. He doesn't get to eat today. ____________________________________________________ Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes. He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean. ____________________________________________________ You go to the mall and get your hair redone. He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today. ____________________________________________________ You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes ove r. He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months. ____________________________________________________ You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight. He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home. ____________________________________________________ You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday. He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume. ____________________________________________________ You roll your eyes as a baby cries. He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet. ____________________________________________________ You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything. He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting. ____________________________________________________ You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him. He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded. ____________________________________________________ You see only what the media wants you to see. He sees the broken bodies lying around him. ____________________________________________________ You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't. He does exactly what he is told even if it puts his life in danger. ____________________________________________________ You stay at home and watch TV. He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat. ____________________________________________________ You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable. He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long. ____________________________________________________ God bless the men & women of our country...

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens. 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here! 16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"