Big ol teddybear's blog: "Me"

I had a dream that I was a doctor on an operating table and I was looking inside my own body. I cut myself open and peeled back my flesh to see what was inside. Then I cut open the rib cage. It was all there lungs liver kidneys ect. All of it in pretty decent shape. Then there was the heart, or lack there of. In it's place was nothing. Everyone else was shocked and horrified thinking it had been stolen but the me in the mask looked calmly and said no folks this is why we're disecting him. This is the man without a heart. He had one one time but over the years of break and repair it finally shattered to dust. This man somehow lived without a heart. Sad to think he lived without love. But such a creature is incapable. All well, at least his fate finally came and his torment at an end Here is a modern day frankenstein monster, more a monstrostity than a man.

Had a dream that I was strapped to a machine that revieled your deepest inner scars. When it hit me, I became a frankensten monster, break free and escape. The people chase me screaming animal monster kill it. They chase me through woods for hours but eventually I'm cornered standing on the edge of a cliff. I move towards the crowd to avoid falling, and as I do so, I'm blasted by a rifle. It leaves a huge hole where my heart should be and I fall off the cliff. I look at the hole as I fall thinking of all the places to shoot me it's there. How ironic, how very ironic. Now the world knows what I have always known there's a hole where my heart goes.

Alone I sit here again wishing that my temptress would finally grasp me in her loving embrace but alas I am passed by yet again while she runs off whoring about giving all takers her sweet loving embrace but I and I alone remain here while she teases me another agonizing day Day's pass like seconds while people come from all around wishing to join my bitter hellish cage. They know I can allow them in and only I but the fools know not that I haven't the key to escape. For this is a one way trip that there is no return from The fools do they know nothing? How can they wish to reject the advances of the sweet temptress of death. Here I sit time no longer bounding me to a limit. Oh how I wished that the grim reaper herself drapped in red looking so seductively at me teasing me with her sweet embrace and me unable to grasp her and take her as all others have They beg and plead for me to give them this same hell that I have to face. To see everything I ever loved ever cared about die or crumble into dust. I'm stuck here unable to love, in fact I have lost the ability to care about anyone or anything. It's an exercise in foolishness since I will always remain as the people and the things I have any caring for are gone in a flash and I remain all alone. Alone all alone no person nor thing to care about. Forced to see the world in fast forward. Tis a fate worse than anything the inferno of hell could ever spew forth from the darkness in the hearts of men Here I shall remain forever reaching for my temptress trying oh so hard to grasp her sweet embrace and each day failing again and again. This is my fate, the never ending hell of an empty lonely heart

I've had my fill. I can't seem to make anyone happy. Can I just die already, please. I've been told all my life how much of a failure I'd be, and to that end I've fought and fought and fought against that. Well I'm out of fight. I just can't fight anymore. I feel very alone and very down. I used to wonder when this woman who was supposed to make me happy and everything great was comming but now I don't really know if she'll ever be comming

Birthday comming up again and as usual, I wished it wasn't. I hate birthdays, I really do. Women hate birthdays because it means getting older I hate mine because it always happens something comes along to kick me in the stomac and put me down. This year is no exception. Ex reminding me of that pain. But I'm sure that's not enough. More will come since it's not here yet. Alone I will be again and wishing it end and end soon so I can look forward to it not comming back around til next year

I often find myself in this role of being the best friend. To be honest I don't really mind it most of the time but it does get rather lonely. I sit and hear everyone else's wants and needs and do what I must to be a good friend and take care of what they need and all is well with the world. Me I end up alone. Every now and then I find someone to give a damn but sooner or later it always blows up in my face. I get lied to or I start getting demands, things I don't like. I've even found myself in the situation of my gf hating me because she can't come to me and bitch about her bf. It sux being the best friend. Always left on the side line convienently a phone call away. Ready at a moment's notice. Don't get me wrong, I'd do anything for my friends and I'm glad I can help them in their time of need. Thing is though, it does get lonely.

Life is full of twisting roads and dead end paths. Plenty of U turns too. My life has been twisting and turning, had some dead ends along the way and even some wrong directions. But for every stall arn wrong direction I've always managed to find my way to where I belong, even though I usually end up taking the long way with a U turn or 2 along the way

I know pretty bizzar title but right now it's how I'm feeling. I have no anchors to hold me anywhere anymore. I just graduated saturday the 10 and IDK what to do, where to go, or anything. I've got no wife or kids nothing really. Right now I'm just a stray dog strutting around with no place to hang his hat but no responsibilities either. In ways it's bad, in others it's good. IDK like I said right now I'm just a stray dog running around strutting his stuff until he gets collared or something comes along.

Ok I'll admit this could get a little long since there are a couple of things I have to insist on in a woman. Some things are a must or I'll walk on by. The other things are more of preferences and you can call me a pig if you want but we all have them I'm just willing to admit it. I'll start with the easy stuff first, the things I must insist on. For starters, anyone I date must be a woman :P!!!! But being more serious, Honesty is must. I'm not saying each and every little thing, I'm not going to freak out over something stupid but the major stuff I want honesty. I'm tired of crap like oh dinner was great but I need to tell you something, I have a bf. Yeah my response is going to be do you need to borrow my cell phone because you need to call for a ride. Something else I have to insist on is kinda taking it slow and easy. I'm not saying date for 10 years before I propose, that'd be nuts. But don't propose to me after 2 weeks and expect me to give you a serious answer. I'll either take it as a joke or if I know you're serious, I'll bolt, and yes this did really happen to me, long story. Another thing is baggage. I won't have it. Certain things are exceptions, I'm not an ass, but I won't date a girl who expects me to fix all of her problems and issues. I'm a man not superman. I'd also have to insist on someone who's reasonably motivated to do things and isn't lazy. That's about it as far as requirements. If those 4 things seem unreasonable, you're welcome to tell me because I don't think that's unreasonable to have some standards.