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What are you waiting for?
Blackened hearts reek with the smell of angry defeat. I can almost hear your agony riding on the wind, and I can almost taste your deception on my lips. I sort of feel bad for you, until I remember all the things you did to break me down. And then I simply shake my head in muted anger of my own. Then i remember to breathe and let that anger slowly, carefully draw itself out of me. I still haven't forgotten, and though I say i've forgiven, i'm really not sure if I actually mean it.
You are all the things in this world that are wrong. And one of the people who create victims in the wake of a hurricane. You are like a hurricane. Tearing down the things in your path, without so much as a second glance.
I wonder.
I wonder if you even have a soul.
I wonder if you are sucking the lives and love out of those around you.
I grieve in the knowledge that you even have lives to be responsible for.
I shouldn't hate you, but I do.
It's a horrible word, but one so fitting.
There has only ever been one person to warrant such a word from me.
Not a good prize by any measure. Someday I hope you'll wake up, but that's a fantasy.
Someday. Someday things have to change.
I have hope and faith that someday someone will smile down on me.
<3
Outside the massive front windows I hear a chorus of crickets providing me with a symphony of chirps. I hear the fans whirring overhead, and I feel its cool, delicate brush of air against my skin. The darkness outside is so thick, and then a car rushes by on a deserted road, perhaps heading for home from a long shift of work. Perhaps they couldn't sleep either. I had a mostly uneventful day. While juggling with my 7 month old I played a few games of Starcraft 2. I failed miserabley, but at least I had an enjoyable time. And now, it's Sunday. Creeping in slowly, only to rush passed us to greet Monday morning. I wish I could cling to Sundays, and skip Mondays all together.
And now, I'm sitting here reading this paper I am writing contemplating the media and it's responsibility in our society. Media obligations to be an informant in government actions. Media obligations to provide to the viewer unbiased, truthfuly information about many things. But my, how the media has failed us in so many ways. While media was meant to play a neutral role in providing the people information of political importance, we know very well that media have their own agendas and are swayed by their own political stances.
Anyway. I'm rambling about this paper.
I don't want to do it, but I don't want to do it tomorrow either. I want to at least get half of it written before I decide to curl onto my couch and take a long nap.
My mind is racing through a chaotic stew of thoughts that is making it exceedingly difficult to sleep.
I wonder, if I counted sheep it would help me sleep?
Unlikely.
Shenanigans I say! Shenanigans!
I swallow my fears and I let you in. I lower these walls and let you in. I break a promise to myself to never love again, and I let you in. Your eyes speak to me as words can never do and I see the genuine emotion, and slowly I let you in. I lift my hands to your face, I memorize every feature there, so when I close my eyes I still see you, and in my dreams I can find you. I let go of some of the burning anger that encompasses my heart, and I let you in. I open myself, vulnerable to your eyes, and I let you in. Intrusion of my senses, as your arms engulf me whole. I smell the fine fragrence of you, of musky, manly cologne. I feel the warmth emenate from your skin, as I melt within your embrace. I feel these bricks around my heart, tear down with each gentle breath against my cheek. One by one, come tumbling down, as you make your way in. You broke through my defenses and climbed over my wall. You found yourself inside of my heart and I refuse to let you go.
And as you climbed and broke through.
I let you in.
PROLOGUE
The two warriors faced each other each holding a weapon of their own choice. Their faces were painted in the traditional symbols of their clans, and their attire was nothing more than a mere cloth which wrapped around their waist to flow downward, but even those were adorned with an array of colors. The two warriors were tall, lean, and muscular, with broad shoulders, one, taller than the other by mere inches. Kathus glowered at his opponent, his eyes studying his form, his mind predicting his first move. The warrior was the taller of the two, and colorfully adorned in the colors of his clan, his eyes were light gray, often shifting to a sharp silver color that flashed quickly then often left soon after. His firm muscles were covered in a beautiful coat of soft, gray and white fur, his paws were topped off by sharp, piercing nails that glowed fiercely beneath the glow of the planet that their own home world orbited around, and he had a beautiful white tail, which he wrapped securely against his leg. Kathus was also the older of the two by one year and one month, so was deemed higher in rank than his enemy was, by birthright.
Myrrith T’sankth stood proudly before his enemy, his deep green eyes shimmering like jewels against the light, he clenched his weapon tightly, and his jaw was hard set in one position. Myrrith was quite handsome as well in his youth as well as Kathus was deemed handsome in his own right. He was built with toned muscles from his arms to his legs, the ripples showed even from beneath his midnight black fur, his paws contained a few jeweled and ancestral rings he had inherited after the death of his father, who had been the leader of his clan, then ended in sharp, well kept nails. Myrrith’s long, and bushy black tail crept out from a hole in his cloth and hung downward proudly as the wind blew against it. These two stood before each other, the battle was just about to begin; they braced themselves waiting for the other to strike first, but they merely moved around in a circle watching each other. There was silence amongst the other warriors that had traveled with the two; it was as if they all held their breaths in anticipation. It was Kathus who made the first move. He swung his arm up with his long sword and brought it down over Myrrith’s chest, but was blocked when Myrrith’s reflexes forced him to jerk his weapon upward quickly in an effort to stop the blow from contacting with his chest. There was an uneasiness that filled in the empty void now, and the men teetered on the edge of insanity as they forced themselves not to interfere. Through the crowd the scream could barely be heard as the figure pushed through the massive sea of warriors all standing in awe at the sight of two leaders facing off. Kiriyan pushed her way through the men, her tiny, meek, little voice straining as she screamed for the two to cease at once.
“Help us!” she shrieked upon reaching them.
Kathus lifted his eyes towards the interfering okara, his glare making her feel as if he had just thrown daggers at her. Kiriyan shivered uneasily, as she tried to regain her breath.
“What is the meaning of this intrusion?” Myrrith spat angrily.
“Please! You must help us!”
“What, what is wrong, tell us Kiriyan.” Kathus now growled irritated.
“She’s gone! She just disappeared!”
“Who’s gone?” they both demanded.
“Arrien, she’s gone!”
Kathus and Myrrith stared at the female, and then quickly, without speaking a single word to each other, they both turned and hastily left the battlefield in opposite directions of each other, their men following behind them back to their villages. Arrien was gone, and she was the key element to end this quarrel, she had to be found, damn them for their stupidity in leaving her alone like that…
CHAPTER ONE
She used to fly to the moon whenever she felt the need to escape the horror and misery of life, but everyone knew that it was impossible for her to actually "fly" to the moon, and so they laughed and snickered at her childish dreams. She was not really a child, she was 18, or so it was predicted, and at the start of a new adventure, but she had come to rely on the reality of her dreams to simply cope with life. No one knew her thoughts, or that she was even capable of thought. To them, she was just a silly child with fleeting fantasies, and unreachable dreams, as that of flying to the moon. She knew better though, because she had been to the moon before, and nothing would convince her otherwise, she had danced in the light of the moon, she a moon dancer, caught up in the silvery swirls of mist that rolled across the surface of that enchanted orb that hung high in the nighttime sky. She sighed dreamily caught up in her own world, where her own image became clear, and real to her.
Melissa envisioned herself dressed in a white silk gown that cascaded around her like a rippling wave, the wind dancing and entwining within her midnight locks of pure satin, that was adorned by beautiful butterflies that were midnight blue, and she was dancing, dancing on a ray of moonlight, moving down this beam from the sky itself, floating downward until at last her feet were firmly planted upon the earth. She had been to this world before, because it felt so familiar to her, but a piece was missing from this vision of hers, and she found herself sometimes longing for an answer that no one would ever be able to give her. Melissa shook her head trying to clear her mind of this dream world, but it remained a vague image in her mind at all times, and though she shoved most of the vision from her mind, a little of it always remained, as if it was a part of her very existence. She stood up and gathered her books suddenly realizing the time, and scolded herself for becoming so caught up in her flight into the nether world. She ran hurriedly towards the door her papers and books clutched tightly to her chest as her feet moved quickly over the concrete and out the door only to find herself crashing against a tall figure, and then on the cold ground.
"Are you alright?" came the concerned, and somewhat surprised voice.
"Ouch...! Hey! My books!"
Melissa looked up just as the figure slowly kneeled down to pick up a few of the scattered books on the floor and straighten them out, then hand them to her. She simply sat there watching the expression on the stranger's face. She thought she saw a bit of amusement in those eyes, and then a smile form on the deep red lips that revealed promise of great passion. Melissa's face suddenly grew hot and flushed and she quickly averted her gaze to a crumpled up paper next to her, and reached out to grab it.
"Here you are." the stranger said apologetically.
"T-T-Thanks."
A sudden flash, and a sudden memory made her gasp, but was gone as soon as it had come.
"Are you alright?" the stranger asked seeing her pale.
"Oh, I...I'm fine, thanks again for helping me with my books"
She stood up hugging her books protectively to her and forced a shy smile and quickly made leave of the area. As she began walking away she turned her head looking back, finding the stranger looking after her with an unreadable expression on his face. How strange he was, she thought silently to herself. All right mister, who are you? She didn't linger on that thought for very long as she looked at her watch and she gasped at the time. She was going to be late for the first day of work, all because she wasn't watching where she was going! What luck she was having that day, she thought. Melissa ran the entire way to work.
Melissa got there at exactly the right time; luckily for her their clock was slower than her watch. She groaned at the ache in her side, and tried to catch her breath. Theresa set her books and paper down on a nearby table and smiled at the little girl who sat quietly on the wooden piano stool, it seemed she was waiting for someone. The innocence of the child caused her to smile more, and a surge of sensation ripple through her veins. Would she ever find herself face to face with her own smiling child one day, she wondered? She walked over to the waiting child and sat down. Time for introductions, I suppose, she told herself.
“Hi, I’m Melissa, what’s your name?”
“I’m Erin.”
“Nice to meet you Erin. Have you ever played the piano before?”
“Yes, a little.”
“Have you had other lessons before this?”
“One or Two.”
Melissa paused, as she watched the child’s eyes shift from a light gray color, to that of a silver hue, the sudden change caught her off guard, and soon her mind raced with questions. The child seemed familiar to her, and her eyes, she had seen those exact same eyes somewhere. Just then the child’s nanny entered the room to check on them.
“Do you need anything, ma’am?”
She was pulled from her dazzled state at the sound of the woman’s voice and as she snapped from her thoughts she turned her head to look at the smiling woman.
“No thank you, I’m quite alright.”
“If you need anything, mum, I’m in the next room, I think the child’s father will be home soon.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
She turned her attention back to the child who was now playing out a tune on the piano, and it caught her by surprise because Erin’s fingers seemed to flow over the keys gracefully, as if she had been born playing the instrument. Melissa watched at the child’s attentive gaze upon the keys, as if she had become a part of the notes themselves, summoning them to play on their own. She could feel her heart lurch in her chest, as the music swept her away to a different world. She was dancing again, dancing in a whirlwind of spirals and colors that memorized her and kept her floating in a background that was lined with silver. Then, the music stopped, and she fell abruptly back to earth and her gaze fell upon the silent child that looked up at her wonderingly. Melissa could feel her face flush considerably and she let out a nervous laugh.
“Well, shall we begin the lessons then?”
“Shouldn’t we wait for daddy?”
“If you want to,” she said simply.
Maybe she had imagined that Erin was playing those beautiful notes, but then that would only mean she was losing her sanity, wasn’t it? She hoped not, she prided herself for being the only sane person that she knew, even though many people thought her to be a bit naïve and strange. No one understood her, mostly due to the fact that she was without a past. She had appeared one night half frozen, and barely alive, it was said that she had survived some kind of attack due to the cuts, and slashes on her arms, but that was all anyone knew about her. She was put into a homeless shelter until a family decided to take her into their home as one of their own children and thusly adopted her, but they could not understand why she was so persistent that her “flights” to the moon were real. Most of the times they had tried their hardest to tell her that she was acting childish and that she had to come out of the clouds back to the earth where she must stay, but her heart led her elsewhere and was not bound to the celestial body of just earth. Melissa, herself, had no recollection of any past, she could not even remember her own name and so her family had given her one. Her visions were the only things she had come close to knowing as her memory, but no one would believe that it was possible for her to be a child of the moon who danced upon the silvery beams of eternity, bound forever to the light of that wondrous creation, and a world that once existed at some point in time. The entire incident occurred only a year ago, and she was still having troubles dealing with the fact that she had no known past, but it didn’t trouble her so much, it was her family that was concerned for her state of mind.
“Erin.”
The familiar tone of the voice made Melissa turn her head to find herself staring at the face of the man she had run into earlier. Her face turned into a bright red signal that clearly showed her embarrassment.
“Daddy!”
She watched as the child bound off of the piano chair and run into the arms of her father. Melissa was again in a state of surprise, for the man looked to be very young for his age, too young to have children at least. She watched the two embrace and the man whisper something to the child. Erin giggled afterward and quickly darted from the room, her tiny footsteps could be heard making their way up a flight of stairs, and still as she skipped on the upper floor, her footsteps resonating loudly in the rooms below. Melissa turned away to conceal her flushed cheeks and stood up not saying a word as she walked to the table where her books were placed. The man walked past her and sat himself in an armchair near an open window. She quickly grabbed her books, and made a hasty retreat towards the door.
“Leaving us so soon, Melissa?”
She stopped as a cold chill ran down her spine. She had detected a stress on how he had said “us”, but that was not the only thing that had her shivering, it was the fact that he had called her by her name. How had he known her name? Then she heard him speak again as if he had read her mind.
“Erin told me that that was your name.”
“She’s a very bright child.” she offered lamely.
“Indeed she is.”
Melissa turned around to look at him. He sat comfortably and yet was not slouched in the chair; he seemed very sophisticated, which in fact suited him quite well. She still didn’t know his name though, which itched at her curiosity.
“I’m Andrew.”
She seemed puzzled, it’s as if he’s reading my mind, she thought. Melissa was beginning to feel a bit uneasy in his presence, and all she wanted to do now was disappear until she had to return on the morrow. He seemed to sense her unease, and tried to lessen the tension between them by offering a smile.
“Well, I am sorry to have detained you longer than you had planned, Miss…?”
“Collins.”
“Miss Collins.”
“It’s quite alright, Mister…?”
He grinned wide at her attempt to extract a last name from him.
“Please, just call me Andrew, I like to keep myself as anonymous as possible.”
To her surprise Melissa felt a little irritated by the way he evaded her inquiry to his last name, she didn’t think it unreasonable that he give her his last name.
“You see, Miss Collins, I have family here in this quaint little town and if word got out that I had returned to town there would be a bit of hostile feelings towards me as my family and I have been in a quarrel for years upon years now.” He explained lamely to offer her some information of why his name should be well kept to just himself.
Melissa’s mouth formed into a silent “oh” of acknowledgement and she merely nodded her head and allowed her eyes to settle upon his comfortably seated form.
“I think I shall depart now, good eve to you.”
“But you have not been here long Miss Collins,” he stated in complete assurance that she hadn’t.
“Of course, but the child clearly doesn’t need a tutor,” she hesitated a moment “James.”
“ Who said anything about Erin taking piano lessons?”
“If not her, then who?”
“I hired you to be my tutor, Miss Collins.”
Melissa looked incredulously at him.
“Your tutor, sir?” she said going back to her use of formal titles.
“Andrew,” he firmly said.
“Andrew,” she repeated with exasperation.
“Yes, my tutor, and I will pay you quite handsomely.”
“There are other tutor’s you can hire, why choose me?”
“Must there be an explanation for everything, Miss Collins?”
She began to feel uneasy again, as his sharp piercing stare made her shiver nervously.
“Please, join us for dinner, and afterwards we could discuss business.”
She didn’t really know what compelled her to say yes, and yet she mentally kicked herself for it as she nodded her head accepting his offer.
“Good, then I shall tell Angela to set another place at the table for you.”
CHAPTER TWO
They all sat quietly at the dinner table, the soft rustle of the tablecloth the only sound being made. Andrew sat comfortably against the back of his chair, his arms rested upon either side of his plate unmoving. Erin was pre-occupied with her pad of paper and pen, she scribbled merrily in her floral, pink scrapbook, drawing picture after picture, saying nothing, and doing nothing else. The maids hovered all around as they placed large, covered dishes upon the table, their skirts swishing almost as loudly as the rustle of the tablecloth. The laced material of the cloth rubbed against Melissa's leg making her reach down with a nervous hand and swat away the piece of cloth against her exposed skin.
“Don’t be so shy, Miss Collins,” came the deep voice.
Melissa turned her gaze to her employer, her growing uneasiness only heightening at the sound of his voice. She fidgeted in her chair a moment, and finally settled herself in a comfortable position where her gaze was fixed solely on a small parchment, which hung in a case upon the wall. She couldn’t read what it read; for it was written in a language she could not understand. Her eyes moved over the curves of the strange letters, swiftly noting the smoothness of how it was formed. A familiarity to the lettering caused her to tear her eyes away from the parchment and seek elsewhere for distraction.
“Daddy, when can we go back home?”
Andrew looked to his daughter lovingly, a tender smile forming across his lips. He gently entwined his fingers and placed his arms on the table.
“Soon, ma petite.”
The child seemed content with his answer and continued to draw upon her pad of paper. Melissa watched this exchange of words silently, and then quickly lowered her eyes to the meal, which the maid had just set before her.
“You don’t have to be so shy around us, Miss Collins,” he seemed to repeat, as if trying to tell her she was being silly for feeling such things. Melissa’s face tinted a dark red color, and she nodded her head slightly in response.
I love you dearly and with all of me,
more than the eye can ever see
more than words can ever say
growing more with every day
...I love your smiles and sweet caress
all the things you do, I confess
more than sunshine, or fields of snow
more than the moonlights gentle glow
i love you without words, none can compare
I love you so deeply, with every memory we share
more than diamonds, pearls and gold
more than the stars the skies can hold
Every day, much more than the last
you are my present, my future and past
a lifetime and more I'll love only you
this love is so perfect, so beautiful and true
----------------------------------------------
I love you, can you feel it?
In each rush of wind, can you hear it?
In the twinkle of starlight, can you see it?
The destiny of my life in you...
...Be mine always,
Be mine forever,
Be mine eternally
And always until the end of time.
----------------------------------------------
I'll hold you in my heart, safely tucked away
and wrap you in my arms, each and every day
and as starlight shines in the big night sky
while silent moments pass us by
I'll stand beside you til the first mornig light
...we'll stand in awe at the beautiful sight
heart to heart, a rythmic tune
that breaks the silence
and breaks the gloom
that brings an end to all our pain
and puts a stop to pouring rain
of crystal tears from up above
and brings to us a perfect love.
---------------------------------------------------------
I want to go outside and open my arms and spin around in a circle until the world becomes a blur of colors and shapes. I'd laugh as the wind slithered through my hair in soft wispy carresses and the grass beneath my feet trembled as my feet moved across them into the dirt below. I'd smile and watch as you copied my every move and giggle with each circle we made, and when you got too dizzy I'd catch you before you fell. I dream sometimes that we'd sit together on a pile of blankets reading together, and you'd ask me questions and look onward diligently as the story was weaved by my words.
I imagine how much you've grown, how much your eyes sparkle with the light, and how much you've changed. We would race to the kitchen and make breakfast in the mornings, and i'd teach you how to flip pancakes and watch your eyes light up in awe. You'd try to take a peek and talk my ear off about how much you liked food.
I imagine two faces smiling at me, and sometimes I can even hear their laughs in my ear. Sometimes, when I close my eyes I can see them, and when I hug them, I can feel them in my dreams.
It's nothing that ever fades away. This longing for my emptiness to be filled.
It's nothing that can be remedied except by two little boys whom I miss so dearly.
I wonder if life is punishing me for some reason.
I look at myself in the mirror and question why life has led to this.
I miss them so much.
Words can't even explain.
It's amazing the way you make me feel. Taking all the things that scared me to the depths of my soul, reaching deep into me and pulling me out of myself and helping me back into the light of the world. You're the hero that saved me. For years you were there, my silent knight. You lingered forever in my background, my constant in an ever changing world. My mentor, my friend, my comfort. You saw all the potential I had inside of me. You saw me. Just me alone and accepted me, loved me despite the path I took. And when I chose a life that did not lead me to you, you quietly watched over me in the background. I didn't see you in the same light that you saw me. And then, one day, I opened my eyes and saw you in front of me. It broke through my senses, intruded all common sense, and took over my heart. All that I had ever wanted, and all that I ever needed was you. The one person that was in front of my face. My best friend of 11 years. My mentor, my confidant, my shoulder. You all along. The one whom I was always meant to be with.
It was you all along.
And without you, where would I be?
So I came across this male who started sb'ing me. It started out harmless enough until he asked me what I was doing. Which I responded I was in a lounge hanging out, talking to people. He then got rather indignant and began stating how he "understood" that I'd rather do that than get on YIM with him and chat with him and only him privately. Seriously? Ego much? Then he said he wanted to cam to cam with me individually. I said I already was on cam, and he said something along the lines of how any guy who looked at a woman on cam while other guys were watching even if it's just talking are punks. Drama king much? I replied with, "It is what it is." and unbelievebly he decided to rant about how he was a military member with medals, and a college degree and how he's just more in tune with reality and life than most people. Excuse me? But you seem a bit out of touch with reality if you think that machoism is by any means a turn on. BTW, I don't like being told what I ought to be doing. I'm quite capable of making my own decisions, and have thouroughly contemplated them with regard to whatever consequence might arise. So if you would, take your pathetic, whinning self and take a long walk off a short pier? I'd much appreciate it.
Kthnx.
I WILL NOT one on one cam with you. Please feel free to become indignant if you would like, but that won't change the fact that I will not and do not cam to cam privately with any individual. Besides, i'm fairly boring on cam, and I sit there. I write dorky notes and show them to people, and sometimes I might draw you a picture. Otherwise. Yep, i'm not the girl you want me to be, or the girl you expect me to be. I'm me, and whatever that might entails is just the way it is.
:)
So i'm a little bored this morning.
I'm here:
So come chat with me if you'd like.
Or not. Either way, your choice.
But I need entertained!
Let's have a rocking Friday!
Or something.
Oi, okay the crazy lady is ending this blog now.
Mwah.
<3
Her eyes burned with tears as she stood quietly overlooking the cliffs above the sleepy town below. A single building with soft yellow light stood out amongst the gloom of night; life in a world full of people drifting on the edge of sleep. The hood that draped over her head hid her face from the brightness of the moonlight that hung low in the midnight sky. The only things visible were two golden pools that peered outward into the darkness. The woman turned from the cliff, her cloak billowing in the wind and disappeared from sight.
She stood quietly observing outside of a large window that looked into the tavern. The sounds of clanking glasses, conversation and drunken brawls poured out of the tavern creating a havoc of noise. Her heart thundered achingly in her chest as she struggled to breathe through the tears that slithered like daggers down her face. As she approached the door she paused noting the sign nailed above the entryway of the tavern. The words The Green Dragon Inn were etched upon the wooden board. It seemed worn from years of being exposed to the elements. The door itself seemed fairly new. She could only conclude from the sounds of brawling on the inside that it was replaced often. A gloved hand slipped from beneath her cloak and pressed against the heavy oak door, and as it groaned in protest it began to open slowly. Her cloaked form entered into the tavern and as she did the noise fell to a hushed whisper as eyes lifted and peered in her direction. The sudden fall of silence forced her to stiffen and take in a deep breath to help compose her, but her composure was failing as cold, judging stares focused upon her form in the doorway. The hood masked her tear streaked face and flushed cheeks and she felt a little relief for the safety of her garment. Just as quickly as the silence had fallen, it ensued. Eyes shifted, and noise returned. The woman walked silently to a table at the back of the tavern, the cloak sweeping across the floorboards with a soft hiss of sound. Slowly she lowered herself into a chair, and lifted gloved hands upward to remove the hood from her head. Crimson hair spiraled downward about her shoulders framing a face of noble stature. Long thick lashes topped vibrant orbs of gold that shimmered in the soft firelight of the tavern. Tears glittered in the light of the fire as she leaned back against the chair and finally took a long look at her surroundings.
“Milady you look troubled.”
She lifted her gaze quietly and looked upward at the gentleman who stood before her. Deep brown eyes peered down at her filled with curiosity and concern.
“I-I’m fine,” she stammered under her breathe and lowered her gaze to keep from meeting his stare.
“Your tear stained cheeks say otherwise,” he said quietly as he lowered into a vacant chair at the table.
