Sweettea's blog: "La La land"

 La La Land
Dec 21, 2009

I lay my hands on my head, My head hanging down. So tired.. Feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders weighing me down. I wish, I pray, I dream. Yet when I open my eyes, it's all still the same.

I write, I sing, I dance. I read, I blog, I eat. I live, yet I am not living. I am just surviving, And survivng is often not enough.

I want to play, dance, sing, rest. I want to drive, write, cook and love. I need more than survival. I need to do more than snatch such few rare moments to stay sane.

I fight for my sanity day in and day out. I battle anxieties at every turn. Yes, I still sing, Yes, I still dance. But I do it to shut out the world, the hurt, the stress, the loss. I read to escape,I do my gaming to forget.. if just for awhile.. my troubles. I write.. So that my downward spiral into LaLa Land can be recorded somehow.

I just want to get it back, So carefree I was, So faithful, So sure.. it would all be okay. Today all I have is doubt. Doubt in everything and of everyone. My heart and ind shuns disappointment and joyful hope. Because the fall from those highs is oh so painful and excruciating.

Yes, I sing, I eat, I live. But for how long? Will there come a time when I sing and dance and chat all to myself? while pusing a cart down the street. Happy as can be in my escape from reality. The ultimate escape. Maybe I am already there.. One of those ladies and all that is holding it all at bay is a cigarette.

To be one of those who have given up, on hope, on life, on love. To be one of those who cannot see the ugliness of this world and its more than useless denizens, because it is too much to bear. To join the ranks of the crazies, to argue with ones bags and luggage. To laugh at a trees jokes as if we were the best of friends. Fighting invisible assailants and seeing things noone else can. to chose to forget all of this worlds pettiness and selfishness.

To be one of those crazy ladies, maybe with a bunch of cats or a bunch of hats. Sometimes this worlds truths are too much. Maybe, just maybe, To truly not give a damn what people think.. Might there not be bliss, might one be even closer to god when we can no longer see this world as it is? who knows..

But they say.. the lord wont put more on you than you can handle.. So I wait and I live and I see... I wait for one or the other.. I wait for my breaking point to bend no more I be done with it all.. I wait for Jesus to save me...

I pray, I dream, I eat, I live. I sing and I dance. I write and I cry.. Waiting ..