Over 16,525,325 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
Hope
It’s such an intangible, everyday thing. There are small everyday hopes and larger life changing, earth shattering, mind rendering life or death hopes.
I had a dream recently. The Dream scape was dark and , it was life at its rawest. No cover ups or fronts here. This dream, this memory won’t fade from my mind. Where hope is a bright ball of light. So shiny, floaty & beautiful. We are often drawn to it like a moth to a flame. No matter how high up and out if reach it may be. Hope can mean so much. Hope for a better tomorrow, a brighter day. Hope also tires into other things so closely like Trust, Faith, Love, Future.
We strive to reach goals in the hope that they are attainable. Without that bright ball of light, we can become lost, afraid, stagnant. Without tomorrow, why go thru today?
In this Dream scape, hopes light can be at arms reach or in the clouds themselves. The world is so dark that all the hope lights can be seen sharply & clearly. They shine that much brighter. The are dark unlit high rises, mountain ranges, hills, cliffs and gorges. Most hopes you have to climb for.
I can see myself on my first big climb. I was so much younger and cheerful. I had a bright smile then. I had so much hope for the future and felt things usually work out somehow. I saw this big shiny cheerful hope high up on a mountain side. I knew I could reach it and things would be okay. I started up the side of the mountain on a slippery trail, yet I had no doubt I would make it to the top and attain what I sought. I had to use hand and foot holds next as I climbed a sheer face on the side of this mountain peak. It was a tiring climb but I smiled the while way up. I was almost to the top! When I stood at the top I seen hope. So shiny & so close. All I had to do was jump! I didn’t even think twice, I jumped! I reached out to catch that light, still holding onto faith. I touched it and felt the warmth of the light, then it was intangible and I fell. Only then realizing how high up I had gone. I still maintained faith that it wouldn’t end like this. I was hopeful.
Even with wind rushing past me and I gazed up at that ever more distant light, I wouldn’t just crash right? The fall seemed slow and long. I was just beginning to think I would fall forever, then I crashed. My body impacted the ground so hard I bounced and there was a crater where I hit. For a second I was numb and hopeful, then the pain hit and I felt every muscle, bone, organ and nerve ending scream in agony. I couldn’t even cry out for the impact had left me without breath with which to scream. Tears fell down my face, it hurt so much. I couldn’t believe it happened. I lay there a few days screaming inside my own head. No one heard me. No passerby in this dark world stopped to see if I was okay. Everyone is on their own journey and I was alone. I realized I wasn’t going to die so I got up. I was broken and bruised beyond repair but I had faith and trust. Things would be okay somehow, right?
As I continued on my journey, walking roads, streets, dark forests, searching.. I continued on and told myself that it was just a fluke, just a once in a lifetime occurrence. I started to run across many small hopes, day-to-day things. Some were only one or two stories high. Going for them left me with shallow cuts & bruises, but I maintained hope. I had to. Every time I think I caught a break, fall, crash, boom. Every time I was sure THIS time would be different. My next high up shiny hope was at the top of a high-rise building. It looked to be at least a hundred stories high. My mind said “Don’t even think about it, you know better.” My heart said “What if?” My mind says again “It’s not worth it! It’s dangerous.” My heart says to me “What if? It’s a gamble, let’s go.”
So I start to climb this building, and arduous journey to be sure. (Yes, the elevator would have been the better route to take, but apparently as the moral of this story goes, I’m a dumbass.) So I climb straight up, tired and fatigued I finally reach the top. I see the light of hope so close, I want it, I need it. This time I do hesitate, but like a moth to flame, I run and jump over the edge. Reaching with both arms, this light I need so bad. My arms wrap around it and I feel it so warm and soft. I can’t hold onto it and I fall. I fall so fast it feels like a giant hand is pressing on my chest. My first fall was a leisurely stroll compared to this, I barely had time to register before I hit the concrete ground so hard nearby buildings shook. The impact left me screaming in silent agony once again. My body damaged, but healing already. My mind.. Not so much. I said to myself “I can’t, not anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”
For the first time in my life, I had No hope. No tomorrow, no future, no light, no smile, no laughter. I was alone and I was tired. I decided to lay there until I was no more. I couldn’t get up thru the pain. I had no reason to. My thoughts went to the ones who do need me, so I had to get up. I still had no light. So I just walked with little destination in mind. I had no hope. Walking on a desert road, I started to see a light. I knew it was hope there. Taunting me with that deceptively cheerful glow. I knew better. I kept walking but knew I would not be fooled anymore. Never again. But as I get closer, I see how bright it is. I know better, I shouldn’t even look at it. I say fuck it and walk closer, it’s still far off to be so bright. As I continue to walk forward I see it floating above a deep, dark canyon. The other side is so far I can barely see it. There is no coming back from a fall like this. I shrug and say ” fuck it”. Story of my life. It’s still distant to the actual edge of the cliff, so I start running. Running faster than I ever have before.
~ Sweettea~
You and I, we have been through a lot. Been down a lot of dark alleys and stuck in massive rainstorms. We have jumped out of perfectly good airplanes, and felt like we could conquer the world. We have traveled across the ocean on a whim. We have cried alone in the deepest of nights. We have felt powerful, beautiful, peaceful, lonely, sad, and lost. I know you are headstrong. I know you often miss the red flags, miss the warning signs, get caught up in the charge forward, only to realize you are storming the wrong gate. I know that sometimes you have to kiss the pavement to learn. Here are some gentle reminders for the path ahead. - If you are lost, quit walking and sit your ass down. Evaluate your surroundings. Evaluate the positives and negatives. Choose a path. Choose wisely. - Just keep swimming. Once the path is chosen, and the excitement of a new journey wears off, keep on keeping on. Life can't always be shiny. Sometimes it's dull work. Sometimes it sucks. Every day is a step forward. - You can't jump ship on yourself. You are stuck with me, and I with you. You can't divorce me and I can't serve you a pink sheet. You may not be holding aces, babe, but at least your still sitting at the table. - It's always about you. Focusing on what others can do to make your life easier is a practice in frustration. It's a waste of energy, and you ain't no spring chicken anymore, sorry to say. Focus on your thoughts, your actions, and do what is within your power to better your life. It's amazing how much falls into this category when you quit wasting energy on what "should" be. - Be someone you'd fuck. Physically, emotionally, and socially. Focus on presenting yourself as the kind of person you would fuck. If you don't like it, either shut up and accept it or get your ass in the gym and change it. I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard. - See yourself honestly. You aren't blameless. You aren't Mother Theresa. You sometimes show your ass and need to own that. You also aren't a total loser. You aren't that geeky kid wearing mismatched Jams and jelly bracelets anymore. Be realistic in your view of yourself. - Value your strengths. Maybe there are a billions of folks out there in the world, but only one of them is the weird mashup that is you. Rock that. Rock right the fuck on with that. - Nobody shits daisies or pisses sunlight. From the Queen of England down to Bonanza Jellybean. The only people who are better than you in this world are the ones you allow. The only people who you are better than are the ones you are undervaluing. - You will continue to date people who are as emotionally healthy (or as psychotically fucked up up) as you currently are. Use this as motivation to keep learning and growing. - Everyone you interact with has something to teach you. Learn from them. - Shut your mouth and open your ears. As a general rule. (I know, this on is hard, but do it anyway. I KNOW! Now shut up and listen!) - Always keep some fuck off on tap. Turn your back to the drama and negativity. It's not worth your time or effort. - There is no whining in the champagne room. So what if your feet hurt. Be grateful you have shoes. Many don't. Hell, be grateful you got FEET. - Give freely. If you give and others only take, you still gave. What happens after that isn't yours to own. - See other people for who they are. Don't shoulder them with the emotional baggage left over from others. Don't crown them with the expectations of perfection. We are all just doing our best here with what we got. And here's the secret of life.. nobody's holding aces. - Communicate to the best of your ability. This means talking AND listening. This means saying the hard stuff, and hearing it too. This means not getting all "let me tell you about you so I don't have to deal with me" (yeah... that's a fun time waster, but Words with Friends is better in the long run). - Be the person your grandmother taught you to be. Because grandmas are always right. Be the strong, independent, loving person who she raised and cultivated via the cunning use of cookies and Scrabble games. - Now go back to the top and reread. Repeat as needed.
La La Land
Dec 21, 2009
I lay my hands on my head, My head hanging down. So tired.. Feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders weighing me down. I wish, I pray, I dream. Yet when I open my eyes, it's all still the same.
I write, I sing, I dance. I read, I blog, I eat. I live, yet I am not living. I am just surviving, And survivng is often not enough.
I want to play, dance, sing, rest. I want to drive, write, cook and love. I need more than survival. I need to do more than snatch such few rare moments to stay sane.
I fight for my sanity day in and day out. I battle anxieties at every turn. Yes, I still sing, Yes, I still dance. But I do it to shut out the world, the hurt, the stress, the loss. I read to escape,I do my gaming to forget.. if just for awhile.. my troubles. I write.. So that my downward spiral into LaLa Land can be recorded somehow.
I just want to get it back, So carefree I was, So faithful, So sure.. it would all be okay. Today all I have is doubt. Doubt in everything and of everyone. My heart and ind shuns disappointment and joyful hope. Because the fall from those highs is oh so painful and excruciating.
Yes, I sing, I eat, I live. But for how long? Will there come a time when I sing and dance and chat all to myself? while pusing a cart down the street. Happy as can be in my escape from reality. The ultimate escape. Maybe I am already there.. One of those ladies and all that is holding it all at bay is a cigarette.
To be one of those who have given up, on hope, on life, on love. To be one of those who cannot see the ugliness of this world and its more than useless denizens, because it is too much to bear. To join the ranks of the crazies, to argue with ones bags and luggage. To laugh at a trees jokes as if we were the best of friends. Fighting invisible assailants and seeing things noone else can. to chose to forget all of this worlds pettiness and selfishness.
To be one of those crazy ladies, maybe with a bunch of cats or a bunch of hats. Sometimes this worlds truths are too much. Maybe, just maybe, To truly not give a damn what people think.. Might there not be bliss, might one be even closer to god when we can no longer see this world as it is? who knows..
But they say.. the lord wont put more on you than you can handle.. So I wait and I live and I see... I wait for one or the other.. I wait for my breaking point to bend no more I be done with it all.. I wait for Jesus to save me...
I pray, I dream, I eat, I live. I sing and I dance. I write and I cry.. Waiting ..
