Exotic FlameFuWife Owned by King PinProu...'s blog: "Jokes"

OUCH! You just never know...... You gotta love a good nurse... A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week

This is the greatest application ....what a guy!!! He should live to be a really old fella with that attitude! This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he was so funny..... NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard) SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment . MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?' HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. ***Old People Rock! ***

Hypnotist at the Senior Center It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations". He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. "SHIT," said the hypnotist. It took a couple days to clean up the Senior Center

REBATES IN THE USA The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan... and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA. Thank you for your help & please support the USA.

A blonde walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, “I’m a cute looking blonde and I’m flying first class.” The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta…. The blonde then retorts, “I’m a cute blonde and I’m flying first class”. Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening…. The blonde tells him, “I’m a cute blonde and I’m flying first class…. The captain whispers in her ear…and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin… The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast.. He replied, “I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta.”

There was a blonde, sitting in a rowboat, out in the middle of a huge field. She kept screaming “HELP.” Another blonde happen to be driving by in her car and heard the first blonde yelling for help, so she pulled over to the side of the road to see what was wrong. She yelled to the blonde sitting in the boat and asked her what was wrong. The blonde in the boat replied, “I lost the oars and don’t know how to get out of here. Can you help me?” The second blonde replied, “I would but I can’t swim!”

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Desmond. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cristofaro, since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you fools asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

WORRY Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, "It's Their life," and feel nothing? When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital Corridor waiting for doctors to put a few Stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, "When do You stop worrying?" The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage." My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, And was headed for a career making License plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher Said, "Don't worry, they all go through This stage and then you can sit back, relax and Enjoy them." My dad just smiled Faintly and said nothing. When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime Waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come Home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be Adults." My dad just smiled faintly And said nothing. By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being Vulnerable. I was still worrying over my Children, but there was a new wrinkle. There Was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I Continued to anguish over their failures, be Tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in Their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I Could stop worrying and lead my own Life. I wanted to believe that, but I was Haunted by my dad's warm smile and his Occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are You depressed about something?" Can it be that parents are sentenced to a Lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of Human frailties and the fears of the Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life? One of my children became quite irritable Recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been Calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried." I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu caarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do." She asks: " Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe sssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

Ingredients: 4 Laughing eyes 4 Well-shaped legs 4 Loving arms 2 Firm milk containers 2 Nuts 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl 1 Firm banana Directions: 1. Look into laughing eyes. 2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms. 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently. 4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers. 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight). 6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls. Notes: 1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use. 2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use. 3. If cake rises, leave town.