Exotic FlameFuWife Owned by King PinProu...'s blog: "Jokes"

The Five Stages of Drinking LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.". LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well.... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool. LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

The fireman and the little girl A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: "That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. 'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.' The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'

♥ Everyday, 200 million couples around the world have sex, which is about over 2000 couples at any given moment. ♥ Women are most likely to want to have sex when they are ovulating. ♥ 30% of women over the age of 80 still have sexual intercourse either with their spouse or boyfriends. ♥ Mosquitoes, which mate in the air, perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds. ♥ Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a Bachelor's degree. ♥ Fellatio ranks as the number one sexual act desired by heterosexual men. ♥ Australian women have sex on the first date more than women the same age in the USA and Canada. ♥ It's illegal to have sex without a condom in Nevada. ♥ Today, Japan leads the world in condom use. Like cosmetics, they're sold door to door, by women. ♥ More Americans lose their virginity in June than in any other month (must be all those weddings and prom nights). ♥ A man's penis not only shrinks during cold weather but also from nonsexual excitement like when his favorite football team scores a touchdown, etc. ♥ The first condoms in the US were made from vulcanized rubber in the 1870s. They were expensive and annoyingly thick and meant to be reused. ♥ Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy both the giving and receiving of oral sex than high school dropouts. (Amazing what one learns in college). ♥ In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it's against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth. ♥ In Fairbanks, Alaska it's illegal for moose to have sex on the city sidewalks. (I don't know how this is enforced :) ♥ In Florida having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. ♥ Most turkeys and giraffes are bisexual. ♥ The chimpanzee holds the record for the quickest mammal sexual intercourse session at an average of three seconds. ♥ Both humans and fish share a common sexual practice -- fellatio ♥ It takes a sperm one hour to swim seven inches.

1) 94% of men lie about their penis size. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need to use extra large condoms. 2) The average man is 4-5 inches long when erect; no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the truth. Incidentally the average vaginal capactity is only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle king dong. 3) 80% of American men are circumsized, though Pediatrics say it is not necessary. 4) No matter what all the ads say nothing but time can make your penis grow. (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20's) 5) There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size, or nose size. 6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically called "prostatic congestion." 7) Only 16% of men shave their privates. - THiNGS MEN MiGHT WANT TO KNOW - 1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves "attractive" (20% of British women do). 43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say they have "average" looks, 8% prefer the term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking", and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of women say they are "sexy". 2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong size bra. 3) 60% of women have had breast implants. 4) 75% of women like getting hummped. 5) 95% of women shave their privates. - A FEW THiNGS YOU BOTH MiGHT WANT TO KNOW - 1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and women. 2) 70% of highschoolers have had sex before they have graduated. 27% lose their virginity senior prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage. 3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1 month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way. 4) Teens are most likely to have sex for the first time in June. 5) First-time intercourse is often unplanned, meaning it's less likely teens will use contraception. 6) Virginity is often lost with a person they haven't been dating. - 5 REASONS WHY SEX iS GOOD! - 1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150 calories every half an hour. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation. 2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have sex 1-2 times a week. You are less likely to get sick. 3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more sex were clinically proven to be less depressed than women who dont have sex. 4) Makes you look better; problem is that ugly people dont get any. Sex releases hormones which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique. 5) The best reason: You will live longer. Studies prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who had sex 1-2 times a week, had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to10 years younger than you really are. - SOME THiNGS YOU MiGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN - 1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year = Running 75 miles!