SherBear's blog: "jokes"

What Jeff Foxworthy has to say about, Pittsburgh,Pennsylvania If your Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Pittsburgh. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Pittsburgh If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Pittsburgh If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Pittsburgh If"Vacation" means going anywhere south of the Mason Dixon line for the weekend, you live in Pittsburgh If you measure distance in hours, you live in Pittsburgh If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again you live in Pittsburgh If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Pittsburgh If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Pittsburgh If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Pittsburgh If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Pittsburgh If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Pittsburgh If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Pittsburgh If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Pittsburgh If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Pittsburgh

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blond) followed me, the Boss asked her And where do you think you're going?" ( You're gonna love this..... ) She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

------------------Girls-------------- -----------are like apples------ -------on trees. The best ones----- -----are at the top of the tree.----- ---The boys dont want to reach--- --for the good ones because they-- -r afraid of falling and getting hurt.- -Instead, they get the rotten apples- from the ground that arent as good, but easy. So the apples up top think something wrong w/ them when in -reality they're amazing. They just-- ---have to wait for the right boy to ---- come along, the one who's- ----------- brave enough to----- ---------------climb all--------- ---------------the way-------- --------------to the top-------- -------------of the tree.---------

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF 1. I died: 2. I kissed you: 3. I lived next door to you: 4. You found out I was married: 5. I stole something: 6. I was hospitalized: 7. I refused to leave my home: 8. I got into a fight while you were there: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY 9. Personality: 10. Eyes: 11. Hair: 12. Family: WOULD YOU 13. Help me hide a body? 14. Keep a secret if I told you one? 15. Hold my hand? 16. Take a bullet for me? 18. Try to solve my problems? 19. Love me? 20. Date me? HAVE YOU EVER 21. Lied to make me feel better? 22. Wanted to kiss me? 23. Wanted to kill me? 24. Broke my heart? 25. Kept something important from me? 26. Thought I was unbearably annoying? AND MORE 27. Who are you? 28. Are we friends? 29. When and how did we meet? 30. Describe me in three words: 31. What was your first impression? 32. Do you still think that way about me now? 33. What reminds you of me? 34. If you could give me anything, what would it be? 35. How well do you know me? 36. When's the last time you saw me? 37. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 38. Are you gonna repost this to see what I say about you?

Be Careful Out There: IDIOT SIGHTING : We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.." We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING : I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , &nb sp;KS IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING : When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !

S• C• O• R• P• I• O: The Bitch Can be mean sometimes, and will Probably knock your ass out, if crossed the wrong way!! EXTREMELY SEXY. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (FREAK in bed. (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. SEXY. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The SEXIEST ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost. && also did i mention FLY AS HELL!. V • I • R • G • O: The Lover Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget. Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness.Great kisser. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost. L • I • B • R • A • : The Freak in the Bed Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! AMAZING IN BED..!!! Not the kind of person you wanna fuck with...u might end up crying... The most irresistible. Rare 2 find. Funny. Talkative. Erotic. Smart. Loves sports. Gets what he/she wants. Loves to be in a relationship. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost. A • R • I • E • S: The Sexiest Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to fuck with. Erotic. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships.=) Addictive. Loud. best in bed. 16 years of bad luck if you do not repost. A • Q • U • A • R • I • U • S : The Strongest Trustworthy. Sexy. professional kissers. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic and funny. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Loves music. Not a Fighter, But will Knock the fuck out of u. The best and biggest freak in bed! Strong. Considered to be a "Spartan." The most intelligent. falls in love too easily. Doesn't show it but is easy to hurt. 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost. perfect G • E • M • I • N • I: passionate Nice. Love is one of a kind. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the fuck out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING.Horny. Freak in Bed. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost. L • E • O: wild in bed Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at a lot. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Loyal.Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Great when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost. C • A • N • C • E • R: Most Amazing Kisser Very high sex appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. A FIGHTER baby! Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost. P • I • S • C • E • S: The Piece of ass Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high SEX appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not repost. C • A • P • R • I • C • O • R • N: THE BEST IN BED Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible, awesome kisser.gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports.Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not repost. T • A • U • R • U • S: The sex addict Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as ...u no!..... Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as ......... Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to fuck with. Are the most sexiest people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not repost. S • A • G • I • T • T • A • R • I • U • S. The Sexy one Spontaneous. Aggressive. Horny. Freak in Bed. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Most caring person you will ever meet! Not the kind of person you wanna mess with you might end up crying! 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost this.

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up." [ 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. [ 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's Not what I said!" . 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)! 8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some shit on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow shit, it began to realize how warm it was. The shit was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow shit, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The morals of this story are: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

LADIES YOU MAY FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT ITS LIKE BE OPEN MINDED (girls don't read this if u don't have a sense of humor) This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. and funny so just go with it One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least her ass knows I'm smarter than her. Repost this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, repost it.