SherBear's blog: "jokes"

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O ', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe ' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even

A woman is at home alone when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady ............ "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again". The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina"......."Yes" she says......The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?"

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. Minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he says, 'My God, what are you doing?' to which she replies, 'We have to vacate the sperm from your system in order to have a clean procedure.' Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task. The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job. The first man says, 'Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?' The nurse says, 'That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross.'

Body: How City are you? [] I've been to Star bucks more than once in my life. [] I Shop at AE, A&F, or HCO [] I own 2 or more polo shirts [] I straighten or blow dry my hair on a daily basis. [x] I wear flip flops no matter what the weather [] I own an over sized pair of sunglasses [x] I own 1 or more pairs of ripped jeans [] I layer my shirts []I will do anything to get the best MySpace pic's [] I had a "MySpace mirror pic" [] When I'm not drinking star bucks I prefer water [] I get annoyed with tomboys [x] I own an over sized bag or purse [] I have seen episodes of Laguna Beach [] new addiction is 8th & Ocean or the Hills [] I say "lol" in every online conversation [x] I own tight jeans [] I wear large necklaces [] I own an iPod/mp3 player [x] Internet = survival [] One of the sports I play/played is football,Baseball,Basketball [x]Have more than 1 AIM screen name [x] I have said "lol" or "OMG!" in a real conversation. [] I like shopping. [x] I shop whenever I have a chance [] I own a bathing suit that cost 100 dollars or more. [] I have watched the Simple Life total=8 now add x's and multiply by 3 and for example put "I'm 24% city." ******************************************************* How COUNTRY Are You? Have you... [x] Ridden a horse [x] Own/Owned a horse [] Own/Owned land [x] Been 4 wheeling [x] said "ain' t" [] been cow-tipping [x] been deer hunting [x] been swimming in a lake [x] caught a fish [] skinned a deer( for those alaskans: skinned a moose) [x] have worked on a ranch or on land [x] have lived in a house in the middle of no where ] have been duck hunting [x] have went swimming in a river [] driven or have owned a truck [x] own a rebel flag [x] like to fish [x] have a funny accent (sometimes) [x] owned/own a pair of cowboy boots [x] own/owned a cowboy hat [x] own/have owned a big dog [x] say "Ya'll" sometimes [x] Have gotten made fun of for saying "Ya'll" [x] cuss when you're mad [] have dipped/dip snuff [x] have went/go to church on Sunday [x] owned/own a bird dog [] have ridden a horse to somewhere in town [x] have gone on a field trip to a farm/ranch [x] have eaten deer meat [] have shot a gun [] own a gun [] only when necessary park your vehicles in the yard. [] have gone shopping...for a gun [] get the kids in your family a toy gun for CHRISTMAS [] wear long sleeves even in the summer [x] have fed the deer or moose [] had dog named Bociefus, (not a dog but named a trailer that once) [x] know what a redneck is total=25 now add x's and multiply by 3 and for example put "I'm 75% country

Grade me F = dang youre ugly D = your parents must be hated C- = You're just someone I don't want to talk to, okay? C = You're okay looking, but u need work... C+ = You're just average B- = Your kinda cute and ur cool i guess B = You're cute. And you're a pretty interesting person. B+ = Pretty attractive. A- = You're extremely attractive. A = DANG YOUR SEXXXAY!! A+ = ... will u go out with me [seriously] A++= will you marry me A+++=TAKE ME NOW ON THE TABLE AND KISS ME AND DON'T STOP A++++=You, me, bed...NOW! YOU ARE afraid of what people think of YOU if you don't post this!!!!! Reply to me the grade you think I deserve. Re-post this as "Grade Me

Here's the deal... Start with 100% and subtract 1% for everything that you've done. Then repost as your __% Virgin. If you don't repost this in the next two minutes, You will be cursed and die a virgin! lowest number u have then more you've done! Or if you're not a virgin you'll never get laid again. 1. Smoked. 2. Drank alcohol 3. Cried when someone died. 4. Been drunk. 5. Had sex. 6. Been to a concert. 7. gotten/given a handjob. 8. gotten/given a blowjob. 9. Been verbally/sexually harassed. 10. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody. PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 92 11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up 12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose 13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfrend before. 14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend 15. Been to prom. 16. Cried at school 17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store. 18. Went streaking. 19. Given or receieved a lap dance 20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room PERCENTAGE SO FAR:86 21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over 22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sexs house. 23. Kissed a stranger. 24. Hugged a stranger. 25. Went scuba diving. 26. Driven a car 27. Gotten an x-ray. 28. Hit by a car. 29. Had a party - 30. Done serious drugs. PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 80 31. Played strip poker/another strip game. 32. Got paid to strip for someone. 33. Run away from home. 34. Broken a bone. 35. Eaten sushi. 36. Bought porn. 37. Watched porn. 38. Made porn. 39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex. 40. Been in love. PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 76 41. Frenched kissed. 42. Laughed so hard you cried 43. Cried yourself to sleep 44. Laughed yourself to sleep 45. Stabbed/cut yourself. 46. Shot a gun 47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day. 48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours. 49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours. 50. Watched an animal die PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 69 51. Watched a person die. 52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present. 53. Pranked somebody 54. Put somebody in the hospital. 55. Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out. 56. Kissed somebody of the same sex. 57. Dressed punk. 58. Dressed goth. 59. Dressed preppy. 60. Been to a motocross race. PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 67 61. Avoided somebody 62. Been stalked. 63. Stalked someone. 64. Met a celebrity. 65. Played an instrument. 66. Ridden a horse. 67. Cut yourself 68. Bungee jumped. 69. Ding dong ditched somebody. 70. Been to a wild party PERCENTAGE SO FAR:63 71. Got caught stealing something. 72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls. 73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend. 74. Gone out with your friend's crush. 75. Got arrested 76. Been pregnant. 77. Babysat. 78. Been to another country. 79. Started your house on fire. 80. Had an encounter with a ghost. PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 58 81. Donated your hair to cancer patients. 82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by. 83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex. 84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months. 85. Sat on your butt all day. 86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself. 87. Had a job. 88. Gotten cut from a sports team. 89. Been called a whore 90. Danced like a whore PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 53 91. Been mistaken for a teacher. 92. Been in a car accident 93. Been told you have beautiful eyes. 94. Been told you have beautiful hair. 95. Raped somebody. 96. Danced in the rain. 97. Been rejected. 98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying. 99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face. 100. Been raped Percentage Total:47

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like ...Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ....Commerci als ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like . Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!! You Got Served! You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby ! something good will happen to you at 1:00- 4:00 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life if you break this you will not be cursed but good luck will not come your way for the next year . Everyone can use some fun and Good Luck so Send this to 5 people in 15min

Mistletoe Game The 1st person to message you saying "I'd kiss you under the mistletoe.", will be your Fubar sweetheart. You'll be surprised just who wants to be yours. You have to do this even if you are taken! GOOD LUCK
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Think before you speak... Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.' THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny, did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak