SherBear's blog: "jokes"

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. 'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human Beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss" and before he could say "S**t," the Rottweiler ate him! The teacher wet her pants laughing

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.' Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' (you're gonna love this) The bank manager looks back at her and says... 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.' (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! Have a lovely day.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes , and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. . . Wait for it. . It's coming. . The suspense is killing you, isn't it? She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye.' (Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

This is really serious stuff....beer contains female hormones! Last month MSU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens); therefore, by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the tests subjects: 1. Argued over nothing. 2. Refused to apologize when obliviously wrong. 3. Gained weight. 4. Talked excessively without making sense. 5. Became overly emotional. 6. Couldn't drive. 7. Failed to think rationally. 8. Had to sit down to urinate. No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to all the men you know to warn them against consuming too much beer!

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class Section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently Wiped her nose,then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking Nothing of it, the man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman had a cold, the man was somewhat curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man finally turned to the woman And said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?' 'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition -- whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.' The man, although more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?' The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man> opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another> seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William 's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND > > > Dear Tech support, > > Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and > noticed a > distinct slow down in overall system performance, > particularly in the > flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly > under > Boyfriend 5.0. > > In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable > programs, > such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then > installed > undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf > Clubs 4.1. > Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 > simply crashes > the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix > these problems, but > to no avail. > > What can I do? > > Signed, > Desperate > > > > DEAR DESPERATE, > > First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment > Package, while > Husband 1.0 is an operating system. > > Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to > download > Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 > update. If that > application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then > automatically > run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. > > But remember, overuse of the above application can cause > Husband 1.0 > to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer > 6.1. Please > note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will > download the > Snoring Loudly Beta. > > Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs > a virus in > the background that will eventually seize control of all > your system > resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 > program. > These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband > 1.0. > > In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does > have limited > memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You > might consider > buying additional software to improve memory and > performance. We > recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. > > Good Luck, > Tech Support

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby? A. Sum Ting Wong Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast? A. They're hiring Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm? A. A pimp Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!" Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale??? A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit." Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.' 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.' 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!' 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ' Because I said so, that's why.' 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.' 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 7. My mother taught me IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.' 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!' 10. My mother taught me about ST AMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.' 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.' 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!' 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.' 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!' 15. My mother taught me about ENVY . 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.' 16. M y mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.' 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . 'You are going to get it when you get home!' 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.' 19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?' 20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.' 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.' 22. My mother taught me GENETIC S. ' You're just like your father.' 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.' 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you