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X-Rated Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A . They don't have balls to scratch! OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

Poor Bob-Thanks Loves lol

What About Bob Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?". "I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub hers! elf all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy ?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club Bob follows and he spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Types Of Orgasms

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword: zorro-gasms Sex with a prostitute: whore-gasms Sex in a boat: oar-gasms Sex when resistance is futile: Borg-asms Sex on a golf course: fore-gasms Sex with top of the class: dork-gasms Sex that wasn't very satisfying: There's the door-gasms Sex at the entrance to your house: door-gasms Sex on the carpet: floor-gasms Sex with a Nordic God: Thor-gasms. Sex at the supermarket: store-gasms Sex with an accountant: bore-gasms Sex at a Steven King film: horror-gasms Sex with 'Arthur': Dudley Moore-gasms Sex for hours and hours on end: sore-gasms while broke: poor-gasms. Sex with a lion: roar-gasms Sex in a gold mine: ore-gasms. Sex with a bullfighter: toreador-gasms Sex with a nymphomaniac: more-gasms Sex with a beloved partner: adore-gasms Sex with a dermatologist: pore-gasms Sex in Asia: Singapore-gasms Sex on the beach: shore-gasms Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet: smorgasbord-gasms Sex with a competitive partner: score-gasms Sex among the wonders of nature: outdoor-gasms. Sex in the vicinity of a rubbish bin: odor-gasms Sex with a big golden dog: labrador-gasms Sex with someone who's not listening: ignore-gasms Sex on stairs on moving stairs: escalator-gasms Sex while flying: soar-gasms Sex with three of your friends: four-gasms Sex while travelling: tour-gasms Sex while sleeping: snore-gasms

Naughty Riddles

NAUGHTY RIDDLES Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: 1 US leader Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it - we're closed. Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A: To find a tight seal. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on. Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. Q: What's the definition of macho? A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It'! S the same as a French kiss, but only "down under." Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."

5 Levels Of Hangovers

Five Levels of Hangovers One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're ! able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite! havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friendsdared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once. Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth! from b rushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

Redneck Medical Terms

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria. Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan..................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize................Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................A sheep dog. Coma.......................A punctuation mark. D&C........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.....................Not a friend. Fester.....................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on. Impotent.................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane. Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates..................Cheaper than day rates. Node.......................I knew it. Outpatient.............A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative.......A letter carrier. Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery. Rectum..................Damn near killed him. Secretion...............Hiding something Seizure...................Roman emperor. Tablet....................A small table. Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport. Tumor....................More than one. Urine.....................Opposite of mine. Varicose.................Near by/close by.

Mental Hospital

> One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim > suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool > and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped to save him. She swam to the > bottom and pulled Jim out. > > When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she > considered her to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news and > said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." > > "The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to > rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of > another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind." > > "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his > bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am > sorry, but he's dead." > > Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon > can I go home?"
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