Betty Jo passed away right sudden like, and Bubba, he called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "Down 'ere at the end o' Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her on over to Oak Street and you pick her up there. . . "
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!
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An inebriate says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy
everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37. The
drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few
times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says
(with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour
yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't
possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the
benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink
himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living
day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a
drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the
bill."
In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink
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A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password. Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied...
******PASSWORD INVALID NOT LONG ENOUGH******
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kids in school think quick
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
_________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
_________________________________________________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
_________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same
time."
_________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father
didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
_________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same
as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
_________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
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To Be 6 Again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in
the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd
like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking
in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made
her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her
to Six Flags theme park.
What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park;
the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five
hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered
her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate
shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again??
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly
changed.
I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is going to get it wrong.
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Ladies of days gone by: If a lady accidentally over-salts a dish while it's
still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it absorbs the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."
Women of today: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn
bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it
and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies of days gone by: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Women of today: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might
still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies of days gone by: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Women of today: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it
anyway.
Ladies of days gone by: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the potatoes.
Women of today: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to
a year.
Ladies of days gone by: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.
Women of today: Go to the bakery -- they'll even decorate it for you.
Ladies of days gone by: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Women of today: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
Ladies of days gone by: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Women of today: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip....
Ladies of days gone by: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Women of today: Leftover wine??
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