As you know, Hillary Clinton has decided to run for president. She’s thrown her hat into the ring. And then bill threw his ring into the drawer. Party! Party! The knock against Hillary running for president is that she’s smart, but not electable. Or as political experts call that: a Democrat.
John Edwards, who is also running for president, is being criticized because the new house he just moved into is one of the biggest in North Carolina. It’s 28,000 square feet on 102 acres. See, Edwards became famous for talking about the two Americas. Now both of them can fit into his backyard.
According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I don’t know . . . The only time I have ever seen a marijuana user look panicky is when they are out of marijuana.
On a campaign trip yesterday Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with evil and bad men because she had to put up with her husband which . . . explains why Hillary wants to look for bin Laden at the nearest Hooters.
Iran is getting more involved in Iraq. Officials in Iran say they are planning to open a branch of the Iranian national bank in Baghdad. That’s right. Anyone who opens a new account in the Baghdad branch will receive 72 virgins and a toaster.
This is weird. I saw a picture of this in the paper yesterday. Prince Charles was in town, and he went up to Harlem and played basketball. Spectators said it was the worst display of an obscenely rich non-athlete playing basketball since the Knicks game the night before night. Prince Charles and his wife Camilla paid a rare visit to the United States. They went to Harlem on Sunday. While he was there, believe it or not, he played basketball at a local school. I’ve been hoping the phrase "When Prince Charles plays basketball in Harlem,” would replace the phrase, "When hell freezes over,” but oh well.
Police in Kentucky arrested a man who had over 80 lbs. of marijuana hidden in his tires. Police became suspicious when they saw Snoop Dogg chasing the car for two miles.
The Super Bowl this year will take place in South Florida....or as some people would call it, North Cuba
Everyone’s running for President! Hillary’s running, Obama’s running, McCain, Little Miss Sunshine — everybody! John Kerry announced he won’t run. And everybody went, "OK.”
Today was a big day for computer users around the world. Microsoft’s new operating system Windows Vista came out today. People lined up to buy it at midnight, partly because they want to be the first ones to check out the new features and partly just to hang out with other virgins. Millions of copies are being sold, but Microsoft says don’t worry, every single person in India is standing by waiting by their phones to do tech support if needed. Vista. That’s Spanish for "the view.” And it’s like the show "The View.” It’s like "The View” because the computer is part lesbian. There are lesbian computers! I’ve got a lesbian computer. I can’t turn it on.
Happy birthday today to Vice President Dick Cheney. He is 66 years old. It was an awkward moment at the party when the stripper jumped out of the cake and he shot her in the face.
We crowned a new Miss America last night. Miss Oklahoma. It’s getting tougher at these beauty pageants now, because of recent events . . . you have to do well in the talent competition, the swimsuit competition, pass a sobriety test, a steroid test, you have to pass the gender test . . .
Michael Jackson in the news. Jermaine Jackson said on Monday he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam. Michael said, "No thank you, I’ve already had 72 virgins.” I mean....Islam? How about converting to the human race?! Try that first!
Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter is causing a controversy because he’s appearing completely nude in a play. Critics say it’s a bold move for Radcliffe — especially since the play is "Oklahoma.”
Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed recently, and reportedly she was so worried it would be sold on eBay, she asked her doctor if she could take it with her. Unfortunately the doctor put the appendix in alcohol and Lindsay chugged it on the way home.
Paris Hilton has filed a lawsuit demanding the closure of a Web site where visitors can pay money to view her naked photos of her. Which is pretty amazing — you know, that there are still people out there who haven’t seen Paris Hilton naked.
Congress began hearings today on the government’s response to Hurricane Katrina. Today? They’re just investigating Hurricane Katrina NOW?! You know, that’s pretty sad when the government’s investigation to the government’s slow response to Katrina is slower than the government’s response to Katrina.
Isaiah Washington is said to report back to the set of "Grey’s Anatomy” tomorrow. He’s been in treatment facility for about a week, after he was getting counseling after he used a homophobic slur directed at a fellow cast member, T.R. Knight, so they sent him to Gay A. Now he’s out. That’s what they call it! All I know is we’re sending a male stripper over there tomorrow night. And he better enjoy it!
There are rumors floating around that the producers of "American Idol” were thinking about replacing Paula Abdul with Courtney Love. I’m not kidding. Courtney Love says she got a phone call from a producer asking if she’d be interested in appearing as a judge. If you’re behavior is so erratic they’re calling Courtney Love, to replace you, that’s not a good sign. Maybe [Paula Abdul’s] not acting crazy enough…
I understand what a stock is . . . you buy it…you own part of something . . . I don’t understand all of these other things . . . these people are trading in pork futures. What the hell is pork futures? They’re buying a pig from the future? You put pork into the bank for the future? You think, "Wow! People in the future are going to like really old meat.” Like Catherine Zeta Jones!
I don’t understand these financial shows . . . Have you seen this show "Mad Money?” There’s this Jim Cramer guy who yells and turns around and yells about money…it’s better than the other Kramer yelling his stuff, though . . .
There was an intruder at Prince Charles’ house . . . with a pitchfork. He entered the home while he and Camilla were asleep. But no one was harmed. The intruder fled after Camilla woke up and started barking.
President Bush visited the New York Stock Exchange. It was an awkward moment when President Bush asked, "When do I get to meet Dow Jones?”
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering a bill to ban the sale of incandescent light bulbs. Arnold isn’t worried about saving energy, he’s just tired of trying to say the word "incandescent.
Russia has announced it’s holding its annual beauty pageant for nuclear power plant workers. Apparently last year’s winner had the most beautiful three eyes they’ve ever seen.
Barry Bonds in the news. Barry Bonds’ agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the agent admitted he’s on more drugs than Barry Bonds
Sen. Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, and . . . clean. I think we’ve seen the shortest presidential campaign in history.
Presidential Democratic candidate John Edwards, I guess he’s the front-runner, he’s now being criticized by conservatives for living in a mansion while talking about poverty; as opposed to the public . . . you live in a mansion, you talk about a tax cut.
very time you turn on the news now, there’s Hillary Clinton in another city giving another speech. They list her upcoming appearances. Bill Clinton loves this, because it’s like the "Hillary Clinton Early Warning System.”
There was a big scare in Boston. A bunch of blinking electronic signs popped up around town, and it sent the whole city into a full-scale terrorist alert. People thought they were bombs, but they were really Lite Brites, promoting the show "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." It put the entire city on edge. So to be sure this sort of thing doesn’t happen again, the Department of Homeland Security began airing this PSA: "Report bombs. Not cartoons.”
Tyra Banks made quite a statement on her show today, after one of the tabloids printed some unflattering pictures of her. So Tyra is on a mission to tell everyone that she is very comfortable with her weight. She responded with "KISS MY FAT ASS!"......Thank you supermodel for telling us it’s OK to eat mozzarella sticks!! Tyra Banks is the Rosa Parks of pizza.
It was a great day for Miss USA, Tara Conner. She came out of rehab. She was in for alcohol addiction. She needed help after assuming the title Little Miss Moonshine.
Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab. She’s been text messaging her friends, saying she wants burgers and sex. It’s true . . . I think you can get that at In N' Out.
Jennifer Aniston in the news. She is denying that she has breast implants. She says she used to have breast implants, but they were stolen by Angelina Jolie.
Yesterday thousands of Mexicans gathered in Mexico City to protest food prices. The protest only lasted an hour, because everyone had to leave for their jobs in Los Angeles.
Al Gore was nominated for a Nobel Peace prize. Gore is being honored for putting both Arabs and Jews to sleep.
Former Bill Clinton adviser Dick Morris said Hillary Clinton will be the next president, but she will be the worst president we’ve ever seen. After hearing this, President Bush said, "Wait a minute . . . I’m not finished yet with my run!"
The Super Bowl coverage is dominated by commercials for beer and now, sexual performance drugs for men. If guys didn’t drink so much beer, they wouldn’t need the sexual performance drugs.
According to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2 percent of people actually shave while they’re driving. They shave! How many guys would like to be in the car with those women?
Here’s a strange story: All high school wrestling in the state of Minnesota — the entire state — has been temporarily suspended because of a herpes outbreak. Let me tell you something: If you’re catching herpes from wrestling, you’re pinning the guy all wrong.
I’m sure you have heard by now, just hours after announcing he’s running for president, Joe Biden made what many consider inappropriate comments about Barack Obama. In fact, Biden was forced to fire his campaign manager, Michael Richards.
President Bush says if we need to lower the temperature of the earth dramatically, we could do so by just switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius
February 2nd was Groundhog Day! The groundhog has a really good gig, if you think about it. It gets fed; it gets housed; and then all it has to do once a year, is comes out of its hole, look around . . . it's like the animal version of Kevin Federline. Also today, the mayor of Boston came out of his office . . . He saw his shadow and thought it was a bomb . . .
It’s Super Bowl weekend! Are you ready for the Super Bowl? For the first time ever, both of the coaches will be African-American. In other words, Michael Richards doesn’t know who to root against. Imagine if you were a Manning and you sucked at football. What would you do? You’d play for the Giants. In LA they don’t have a professional football team . . . just like Oakland. The Super Bowl will be the Indianapolis Colts facing the Chicago Bears. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has predicted the Indianapolis Colts will win the Super Bowl. Not to devalue her opinion, but she also predicted the war in Iraq would not go into overtime. Hey, you know what’s fun to do if the game’s a little slow? I like to look at the quarterback and then try to figure out which one will be the big, fat, bald announcer in five years
This week at a fashion show in Rome, a line of dresses were introduced that feature huge pictures of Hillary Clinton’s face. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, "Finally, Hillary’s face on another woman’s body.”
The Exxon-Mobil Corporation has just posted the largest annual profit of any company in American history — 39.5 billion dollars. In fact, it’s worth so much, they’re changing the name from Exxon-Mobil to Exxon-Oprah...
Once again here in New York City it’s the beginning of Fashion Week. It’s that exciting time of year when we get a preview of the underpants that Britney Spears won’t be wearing
