New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is running for president. Which is good because every day we have thousands of new Mexicans who enter the country.
Kansas Senator Sam Brownback says he is running. He said he’s going to follow the yellow brick road to the White House. Just watch out for the Wicked Witch of New York! If you run into her you can kiss your "Oz” goodbye!.....hahaha yeah i know that was corny
Monday, January 22nd. This is called the gloomiest day of the year. Naomi Campbell was so depressed, she hit herself with a cell phone. It’s called Blue Monday. Especially if you’re a Patriots or Saints fan. The Bears won. That was lopsided. They beat the Saints 39-14. This is the first time someone has treated New Orleans worse than President Bush. The New England Patriots lost to the Indianapolis Colts. The Colts won 38-34. The Patriots almost had it and just let it slip away. So John Kerry, you’re not alone.
President Bush spent the entire weekend preparing for the State of the Apology address....I mean State of the Union address.
Tom Vilsack, Democrat candidate for president has released a pre-buttal before President Bush’s address. See Democrats think they already know what he will say. A pre-buttal? Doesn’t that sound like someone you’d hear at the proctologist?
Jenna Bush is trying to get a book deal about her time spent in the White House. President Bush is upset over it. Not because she is writing a book, but because he’ll have to read one.
It’s official, Hillary Clinton is running for president of the United States. She said, "I’m in it to win.” That’s what she announced, she’s in it to win. That may seem obvious, but Democrats running for president have lost so many times they have to keep reminding themselves why they are in the race. "Oh yeah, to win.” Hillary says that she has gotten hundreds of calls telling her to go on the road and campaign for the next two years. That’s just from her husband Bill. If she wins, she will be the first female president.....if you don’t count James Buchanan. Politics is a dirty business. And with Hillary Clinton announcing that she is running for president, Republicans are already digging up dirt on her. And they found out that she once slept with Bill Clinton.
The Democrats now have a woman, an African-American, and a Hispanic running for president. Of course the other side also has minorities running. Republicans. A total of eight people are running for president. It’s George Bush’s fault. He’s lowered the standard.
US weekly reports that Paris Hilton is getting rid of her tattoo of nick carter on her buttocks. She’s not having it removed with a laser. It’s just fading from wear and tear.
President Bush gave his State of the Union speech....or as they call it on ABC "Dancing With the Issues.” The Constitution does not specify how long the State of the Union address must be. You know who gave the longest State of the Union address ever? Bill Clinton. You know who gave the shortest? George Washington. It was just a couple of minutes. Well sure, when a politician cannot tell a lie, it limits how much they can say. Clinton could go on for hours.
In a series of TV interviews, Hillary Clinton said her favorite movie as a little girl was "Wizard of Oz.” Her favorite movie in college was "Casablanca.” Then, after she got married, it was "Kill Bill.”
A guy was kicked off a flight for wearing an anti-Bush T-shirt. It had an anti-Bush slogan on it. When he refused to take off the shirt or change the shirt, they kicked him off the plane. Here’s the scary part: Turns out the guy was the pilot on Air Force One.
Is everyone excited about the Academy Awards? Helen Mirren was nominated for a tremendous role. She plays a stubborn out-of-touch queen . . . I believe it's based on the story of Elton John. How about that Al Gore movie? It received two nominations. Out of habit, Al demanded a recount. Judi Dench was nominated for her role as a mean lesbian. Even if she doesn't win the Academy Award, she has a standing offer to join "The View."
John Kerry has announced that he will not be running for president in 2008. That means Democrats will have to find another way to blow the election. He said the time is just not right. You know why it’s not right? It’s an election year. American Idol did very well in the ratings last night, but not as well as the president's speech — 31 million people watched the president's speech. Many, I suspect, hoped he would get voted off. How many of you saw Bush’s State of the Union address last night? I can still hear the echoes of meaningless standing ovations. Now this is kind of shocking. President Bush now has the lowest presidential approval rating since Nixon. Now here’s another coincidence. Nixon had a dog named Checkers. Bush plays checkers with his dog. Bush then asked for support for our uniformed boys in harm’s way, and of course he was talking about congressional pages. One of the big topics was the war and the president said he understands that Americans are losing patience, but he would like us to give his new plan a chance to work. In other words, all he is saying is give war a chance.
New Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi set a new record for most frequent blinking: The blinker of the House. Her eyelids are the greatest untapped energy source.
American's sweetheart Paris Hilton has another headache on her hands. Apparently she forgot to pay a $200 bill for a storage facility she had, so she sold her stuff at auction. And that stuff has made its way onto a Web site now. And for about $40, supposedly, you can see her diary, love letters, you can hear recorded phone conversations, and you watch videos of Paris flashing, having sex, doing drugs, and taking a bubble bath. So get ready to see Paris Hilton as you've frequently seen her before.
The X Games started today in Aspen Colo. The X Games are of course is competition in which young healthy people try their best to hurt themselves very very badly.
Ford has reported huge losses this year. Ford Motor Cars lost 12.7 billion dollars in 2006. That’s the biggest annual loss in their 103-year history. They’re blaming a lot of their losses on the launch of their unpopular new economy car, the Ford Federline. I guess there were engine problems, one of them got a whole bunch of Mini Coopers pregnant . . .
A lot of Republicans running . . . some familiar names and some new ones too: Republican favorites include John McCain and Rudy Giuliani, as well as Flavor Flav, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, and because he just doesn’t understand, President Bush.
President Bush said he’s going to ask Congress for 10 billion dollars more for Afghanistan. Ten billion dollars. I got a solution for the people in New Orleans. Put on turbans; throw rocks at each other; change your name to Kabul . . . you’ll get 10 billion dollars just like that.
Arizona parents are still wondering how a 29-year-old adult sex offender was able to pass himself off as seventh grader for four months . . . four months . . . this guy shaved all his hair off, put on makeup . . . four months he passed himself off as a seventh grader. He faces up to 15 years’ detention.
A recent survey of drivers and their distractions found that 68 percent of drivers eat meals while driving; 73 percent talk on the phone while driving. Here’s the scary part: 98 percent filled out the survey while driving.
Speaker of the House Nanci Pelosi is now in Iraq; she made a surprise visit to Iraq . . . Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before . . .She didn’t say how long she was staying in Iraq, and President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message.
The political experts are asking what role Bill Clinton will play in Hillary’s campaign. I’m guessing the cheating husband?
After hitting record high temperatures earlier this month, New York has now hit a record low. It was 9 degrees in Central Park. They’re warning New Yorkers now not to leave their middle fingers exposed for more than a couple of seconds.
Michael Jackson’s back home in the USA. Parents are being warned to keep their children away from cotton candy machines, bounce houses and the circus.
An exciting breakthrough in science today, a doctor name Robert Bohannon has developed a caffeinated doughnut. We’re officially too lazy to dunk anymore. He figured out a way to inject caffeine into the doughnut without ruining the taste and he’s trying to sell it to Krispy Kreme or Dunkin Donuts or somebody, so finally we can all be fat and jittery at the same time.
