my roommate wrote a blog recapping the year. my comment to her was going to get too long to be a comment. so i decided to do my own version.
the new year started for me in bed. drunk. high on life. i don't remember what stupid silly thing happened, but out of my mouth comes, "uh oh. this year has it in for me."
... i've never said a truer statement.
i couldn't have been happier at the start of this year. i think i can honestly say that was the happiest time i've ever had in my life. nothing could have brought me down. prior to saint patrick's day is a blur of great times with the two people i'd come to call family.
at the time, 'if i had it all' had been my latest dmb addiction and i remember quoting to jenn if i had it all, i'd fuck up it... "no, no you won't".
... saint patrick's day, we almost died. a few times. that was the night i learned i wasn't invincible. it was also the moment (i think) that began my downfall. that night changed who i was. ... in a good way now, but not at the time. it freaked me out. and it freaked out those who loved me.
i don't really remember the rest of march.
the last good thing that happened to me before my downfall was being able to take jenn out to new york city to see RENT in april. being able to share that show with someone, especially someone i'm close to, is a gift to me. .... i can remember the end of the month like it was yesterday. it was the beginning of the lowest of lows i've ever had the mispleasure of dealing with. the tip of the iceberg was that they hired someone to try and manage me at work because they didn't think i was capable of doing the job. so i let him have it. i'm not one to work for someone. especially a fucking idiot.
you can't understand the capacity of the next point of my life without a bit of back story.
... i started dating when i was fifteen. i dated my first serious boyfriend for three years. i loved him with everything i had at that age. ... i'd had serious boyfriends prior to the next, but the next time i loved i was twenty one. we were together for two years. it was when we split up that i realized how much what being in love felt like as i had grown. ... i spent the next two years quite comfortable with the fact that i would never feel that way about another human being in my life. there was no way. ending that was way too hard. .....
no real reason told to me that he left... not to my face. or on the phone. on the fucking computer. ... *just shakes her head* "i can't do this anymore". ... you can't do this anymore?! ... are you serious?!
it took me two months to even see straight. while i was blind, my job started falling apart because i didn't give a fuck about it. it wasn't in my control anymore, anyway. the cunt moved in. at first we thought it would be a good thing, but she turned out to be a fucking stealing lying cunt. jenn almost died on me. legally. thank god. then busted her knee cap walking down the streets. four days after she gets back to work, she gets into a car accident and busts it again. ... caught a dave matthews show in august, where i sat trying not to cry for three hours as jenn howled in pain at her knee. on the way home from work one day i called jenn and said, "jenn - we're going to the gym" because i didn't want to go back to the house and deal with the cunt. we went to new york city in september and the cunt shit whore moved out while we were gone. my mothers out of work from a car accident for all this. and i got to watch one of my friends become a father. ... all the time we're trying to "be friends" and it's just not working.
the last time i fell in love taught me something i'm not sure i understood with the prior two loves ... people always question, "i wonder if i'm in love". ... when you are, you fucking know. you fucking know the minute you lay eyes on each other.
i'd started dating by then and now... it's just not even worth it. i meet nice people, we get along good for a few weeks and i'm done. i can't do it. it's not right. i know it's not.
fall brought change. an uplift in my spirits for the first time and i'd started turning back to myself. the end of october gave me the ability to cross a life long goal off my list. ... we only wanted to go out and drink and have a good time. :)
november brought me new friends. a new family for a short while. ... it became my sanctuary from my house which i couldn't even look at because of the time of year. it was this time last year that it all began, and it almost all took place in my house. i stayed in sanctuary mode until a few days after december began.
i've always loved christmas; i've never understood people having problems with it until this year. i was dreading it. i didn't want to shop. i didn't want to decorate. i didn't give a shit. i've already had the best christmas in the world for the chapter of life i'm in.
the good part of this month is it gave me my job back. completly. fully. finally. and i've managed to accomplish a lot in a short time. mom's just gettin' back to work. jenn keeps damaging herself because she's a sped, and this year hates her, too. i feel slightly responsible for that as i cursed myself in the beginning of the year and she and i act as one.
i was listening to my december on the way home...
and i give it all away just to have somewhere to go to...
i do. home.
give it all away to have someone to come home to...
i do. jenn.
i've introduced jenn to people as my hetro sexual life mate. ... it may not be the 'life mate' you think of growing up as a child, but it's the most stable relationship i've ever had (yes, i use that word for friendships you assholes). you can't break us. there's no way. ... if ever a man was to give me that ultimatum, it would be the only one i wouldn't give up.
three days left for this year. ... what to do with them? enjoy the fact that they're finally here. i'm sad jenn's sick 'cause i'd really like to get stupid drunk, but it's no fun alone. and i'm kinda afraid she's going to hurt herself if she does anything more than breathe.
so what, oh gloriously long and painful two thousand seven have you taught me?
... i don't know yet. i was never one of those "i need to find myself" people. i know where i am. i know who i am. and i know there are things i want to change because i don't like them. i was quite the "dark youth" and put that part of myself away years ago; it's come out quite a bit since. ... my mind is finally stable ... my heart is still not functioning right. i slammed the proverbial door closed and i hope it stays that way for a while. i actually smile that i don't want to talk to him. it's a nice change. and it's taken a while to do and i'm recouping from that. ... but i'm determined to be done ... in just three more days.
the first of the year. we'll be ringing it in watching the ball drop live. i can't imagine anywhere else to be after the year i've had but the only other place i'd ever call home. ... i don't know what the new year brings, but i feel hopeful towards it. it makes me smile to be rid of this year. this ... mess. this ... misery.
i doubt i'll just be able to put it down, but maybe. maybe after this ramble of the month i can, at least for a while, be able to have peace in my mind.
... jenn, i don't know if i have a comment for your blog. i could copy and paste all this ramble, but there's no point in that. ... i remember when we first moved in here and you told me you'd never really listened to dave matthews... i can boldly remembering making you read the lyrics as you heard the song.
whatever tears at us.. whatever holds us down... turns out not where, but who...
