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saturday night pt 2

it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. i definitely had the time of my life.... like a computer, i think of myself in versions. i was jessica 1.0 until i took my first hit of pot. that. changed my life. taught me that something i thought was awful, wasn't really that bad. the same night is when i took my first hit of x. simply put - i was bored. version 2.0 emerges. i left two hours later because nothing had happened to me. i went to sleep at a friend's house. two hours later, i woke up. WIDE AWAKE. and had no idea what to do with myself. i was two weeks into the age of nineteen. i got a taste of crazy fun, and i indulged. i indulged to the point i passed out for five hours on acid and thought i was dead. the next day, i got my ass on a plane to come home because i was out of control, and i needed it. version 3.0 time. three years went by and i took x twice. once with a friend - just one pill - because he wanted to try it. and once, i was so deathly sick, i took some to get the sickness out of my system (you sweat it out really quick). i had - no desire to do it. wouldn't know where to go or what to do even. and drugs are bad, mkay? at the close of a long, very powerful relationship, i had just turned twenty three. i thought i knew drugs. i thought i knew what raving was. but i had only lived in florida and despise breakbeats. i had always promised this guy that i would never touch a pill again because he wanted to try coke, and coke scares me. you stay away. i stay away. well, that came to an end right around the time danny wanted to try his first pill. and he did. by himself. god help him. the next night he was going out, he brought me with him. ah. the night i met jarrod, mikey, and lacey. may 1st, 2004. version 4.0 begins. i go completly out of control. no job. not much money. legal money. tons of illegal fundage everywhere. a good. seven month of my life wasted at clubs and hanging out in my friends rooms until i was tossed out listening to techno until my head couldn't take it anymore. one day i realize how bad i've become. people refer to me as the most self damaging person they know. i hated myself. i hated my life. it had completly shattered to the ground. i left everything i owned to be happy. i start dating someone - who i should NOT be near, but he grounds me by controling me which is what i need since i can't control myself. version 5.0. i waste a year of my life with him. within the first six months, the fog lifts from my head, and i see how miserable i am with this man. it takes me another six months to get the courage to leave. and jenn. ah, jenn. my rock. my strength. i know my life will always be ok with her in my corner. we plan on getting an apartment, it happens. version 6.0 takes over. and rocks my world. for the first time in my life, i am independant. i pay all my own bills. i take care of my house (sometimes, ha!). my cats are the greatest thing in the world. i. love. my. life. i think it cannot possibly get any better. it's a feeling that you can't describe. it's almost a year later and i still come home and kiss my walls when i've had a bad day. i'm a bit calmer, a bit older, and a teeny bit wiser. i'm still smoking pot. and occasionally, a pill goes down the hatch 'cause hey - why not. i've done it before. nothing i can't handle. nothing. NOTHING. and then he comes along. my assholemouth. only a half version emerges here. version 6.5. i'm not really that different, except i know where the rest of my life wants to go. and he accepts me for who i am. he knows what i do, though doesn't really care for it. this weekend destroyed 6.5 and created 7.0. the difference? I'M DONE! i'm done with the drugs. i'm done with the raves. i don't know if i'll ever stop listening to techno. it's. a part of you. BUT! this weekend scared the ever loving SHIT out of me. i still don't know how we got home. i'd love to know where my glasses are. i was finally taught that i'm NOT invincible. my body CANNOT take anymore. 7.0 is dedicated to creating a better life for myself, my jenn, my assholemouth, and my future family. i will now only better myself, instead of destroying myself and whatever is around me. i need to start working out. some how. i need to start eating properly. and i need to not only drink coffee and mountain dew (but they're soooooooo good!). but hey. one step at a time. if there "is a god", he surely didn't create the world in one day - so i don't have to perfect mine in one day either. but every time i look him (ahm) in the eyes, i see - so much good to come out of us that i know it's time to move on to better things. i'm a grown up now. I'M GOING TO BE TWENTY SIX FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! time to step up. big time. so thanks to you, seven point oh. for giving me direction instead of destruction. thank you for making me smile, instead of supplying me with a smile in a pill. thank you for giving me hope in this - crazy, crazy world, that i will be able to give back to it and make it a little bit better. thank you tree, for the insanely crazy times that have now come to and end (THANK GOD!) - if there's anyone i could have shared that night with, i'm glad it was you. if it was possible, saturday night solidified our friendship into stone. as if anything would have come between us before, nothing can now. there's something about getting lost to the point of tears and coming close to dying so many times that it reminds you of what you'd be missing if we had stopped one second shorter.... no more good morning weekend smoke fests. no more laying in each other's bed watching movies. no more. everything we do. can you imagine? POOF and we're gone!? thank you ahm. for showing me there's good in this world to live for. that someone other than my tree understands why i tick the way i do. thank you for making me want more. enough to put a stop to my wreckless ways. you'll never know what kind of ... comfort you give me. my entire goal in life is to get home and be in your arms. that's all i ever want out of this world. but, most important, thank you to myself. for being crazy enough to enjoy a side of life i never knew existed. for living on the edge for a long period of time, but never being pushed over. to be able to hand everything coming at me from all sides at all times. for making it through twenty four years of unstability to come out on top of my life. with a future ahead. do i regret past versions of myself? ....... no. i can't. all those internal injuries and external exhaustion made me who i am today. every stupid mistake. every REALLY stupid mistake. every pill i took. every bowl i smoked. every rave i've been to. every dj booth i've sat in. everytime i've thrown up from the heat. and that i have those memories to look back on and smile at. thank god. the crazy part of my life is finally over. it's time to be an adult. ...... hm. where to begin?

saturday night pt 1

this will probably be the last entry in this category for a while. see, this was my "at the club, beeeeeein me" thing. and. as of last night. i... never want to do that again. i would have rather been at home, in my bed, mucho comfy AND sleeping. mmmm. sleep. i think i want to do that at like. 8pm tonight. mmm. last night, jenn and i finally went out for our just "me and you" night. in two and a half years, never had one. after three hours of being there, i couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. it was so bad, we had to force ourselves to stay to see the reason we went there in the first place. and it wasn't bad to stay because it was bad. oh no. not this time. we. could. not. get. a. breath.. good thing we left when we did, too. the hour delay in getting us home will say all it needs to. but. last night gave me something not that i wanted, but more that i needed. as long as jenn and i are together, we're ok. we're ALWAYS ok. comin' on three years, never failed. :snicker: well, well. guess who's going to rock your way home tonight??? LETS GET LOST!! (ok. so maybe that said all it will be about the hour delay) i lost my glasses. i spent money on something that's - going to give me no return what so ever. we almost were involved in some of the busting the bouncers were doing. we almost got hurt. so many times last night. we've never. EVER been that bad?!!??!?!?!. jenn and i should have pulled over, stayed the night somewhere, and dealt with it in the morning. but no, not us. we made the drive. didn't know what direction we were going. didn't know what to look for on the signs. god bless jenn for not having glasses?? (ok, no more about the driving. love my home. **kiss floors** .... **spits up cat hair**) i think i'll just end this now by simply stating it: push comes to shove, much as i really loved what we were doing last night - i'm. over. it. ..... but i don't think you ever really *can* be. it's just. a fact about me. hi. my name is jessica. i hate most people, i smoke a lot of pot, and i like really loud obnoxious techno music. ... but maybe three years is about the right time to say farewell. and maybe i'm starting to get a little tired of her, too. except. me? trying to. like people??? do they have a class where they teach you to do that? 'cause i seriously need them. and. on THAT note. i'm going to stop babbling. for now....
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